Jean shorts, dirty feet, Cheeto-colored spray tans, bra-less nipples, day drinking, $12 beers, sweat ‘staches, and food stands frying every edible object possible. That’s right, lovers and losers: It’s FESTIVAL SEASON. And your ol’ friend Tom is here to discuss it.
Running from spring through summer, this jovial season is composed of EDM festivals, beer festivals, indie festivals, and reptile festivals (never mind, that was in January). Yes indeed, spring means one thing and one thing only for you dudes: Your fat ass didn’t get in shape. Again. Well, who cares. Wear sweatpants and rain ponchos.
The most wonderful time of year kicks off with St. Patrick’s Day festivities. This includes green beer and masses of uncreative douchebags wearing green shirts that claim Irish descent and demand a blowjob kiss. Check Old Navy. However, the beauty of St. Pat’s is people get bona fide wasted. They roll out of winter hibernation, spray tan their hands and ankles, buy stupid oversized sunglasses, and bump privates with strangers. Caution, ladies: Don’t look at ol’ boy’s feet when you dry hump in the handicap Port-o-John. #FestivalFeet are a buzz kill and generally harbor a number of diseases like ringworm, chlamydia, and that yellow toenail thing. Good God.
Now, here are the 6 BEST THINGS ABOUT FESTIVALS:
1. Expensive beer. Generally, beers are only $8-$12 each at festivals, which means you can only have a few before you have to take out a loan or give an HJ. This means you won’t get AS WASTED as normal. That means you might have a somewhat intelligent conversation with the opposite sex leading to intimacy that you actually might remember. Maybe.
2. Sunglasses: For those of you as insecure as I am, please note it is much easier to flirt with someone whilst wearing sunglasses. It also helps if you have a glass eye or are high on cigarettes.
3. Day drinking = no hangovers. During festival season, you get blackout drunk during the day instead of pounding Fireball shots at last call, which means you pass out around 9 p.m. This gives you plenty of sleep and eliminates the Sunday hangover (ish). However, you will still have the awkward Sunday morning conversation with the obnoxious frat guy you took home while desperately trying not to look at his feet and avoid his poisonous breathe. Thank God for Uber.
4. Swimwear and free Lasik. Ladies, if you hit any of the EDM festivals, you can wear your bathing suit even if there is no body of water in sight, furry leg warmers, 95 candy bracelets, and flowers in your unwashed hair. You will do the same dance moves for 12 straight hours while 16 trillion lasers burn the corneas out of your eyes. It is also a good opportunity to meet hundreds of new friends if your name is Molly, or land in the arms of an overweight paramedic with a GED.
5. Appreciation of horrible music: Yep, you get to sit through 17 shitty bands before you get to hear the only decent band on the bill. Watch them sweat balls as they insist on still wearing their killer leather pants and epic vintage jackets even though it’s 96 degrees with 9000% humidity at 2 p.m. in July. Rock stars rock, bro.
6. Tinder. When you’re waiting in the porta potty line, swipe away, you hopeless romantics. If you’re at a festival like, say, Lepre*CON in Atlanta (this Saturday, March 8, promo code HESS for a discount, #shamelessplug), everyone who’s on Tinder is there anyway, so you can LITERALLY match with someone, then immediately go meet them by the hot dog stand. I love love.
And now, the TOP 5 FESTIVALS OF 2014:
4. Hangout Fest, Gulf Shores, Alabama: It’s on the beach. You stay in a beach house instead of a tent. Instead of smelling like B.O. and bad decisions, people are so fresh and so clean clean (Outkast is headlining this year).
3. Bonnaroo, Manchester, Tennessee: The best music lineup of the year. Period. I have never spelled Bonnarro correctly on the first try.
2. Tommorrowland, Boom, Belgium: Since this is in Belgium, there are plenty of waffles after you crush alcohol and lick stickers all night. It’s the best EDM Festival in the world, and this year is the 10th anniversary. But too bad, it’s sold out. So you’ll have to hit TomorrowWorld in Georgia instead. We still don’t know why they picked Georgia, but God bless them.
5. LEPRE*CON, Atlanta, Georgia: The Southeast’s most ridiculous St. Pat’s party since your mom. What? A Social Mess celebrates the alcoholic holiday at Park Tavern, and it’s the closest thing to Cancun spring break. Plus, Ashley gets drunk. With the Pope.
1. Burning Man, Black Rock Desert, Nevada: Simply the greatest, weirdest party in the world. Must love sand.
Well friends, here we go. Grab that $600 (or $20) ticket to your favorite festival and get ready to rage. Or camp. Or whatever it is you do. The most magical time of year is upon us and it’s time to burn that liver to the ground.
LYLAS,
Festival Tom
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Photo credits: Featured image from TomorrowWorld; 1st image by Anderson Smith for A Social Mess; 2nd, 4th, and 6th photos courtesy of A Social Mess/Lepre*Con; 3rd photo from TomorrowWorld FB/Instagram; 5th photo courtesy of Dave Vann for Hangout Fest.