If you’ve been to a music festival/outdoor concert recently, you have 100% been exposed to the trend/epidemic sweeping the female nation: High-waisted jorts.
Girls of all ages, body types, booty types, and textual orientations have been rocking these denim doozies with crop tops, fake flower crowns, and leather boots in 3,000-degree weather because fashion.
At Atlanta’s Music Midtown festival this weekend, I saw more high-waisted shorts than man boobs at an IHOP. (And quick NEWSFLASH to you try-hards in the flower crowns: It’s not Coachella.) Now personally, I couldn’t care less which unflattering clothing items from Urban Outfitters females choose to wear in their attempts to be trendy, but I was made aware that my male friends were NOT on board with this look. So I asked for their input, and as always…priceless.
“They’re the absolute worst. It’s like a girl is trying too hard to be trendy in those. It looks like she decided to keep pulling up her shorts just because. I’d immediately try to rip those off of my girlfriend if she was wearing them. Not in the ‘oh rip these off and do me’ way. Like ‘seriously, take those shorts off.’” -Andy, 31
“Very rarely have I seen a girl in high-waisted shorts and been into it at all. For the most part, I think they make girls look like misshapen science experiments that’d you find in Sid from Toy Story’s bedroom. But hey, if they make you feel pretty, keep on wearing those diaper shorts.
-Aaron, 25
“It’s the worst trend I’ve ever seen. The idea to actually make your ass look ‘worse’ is beyond my sense of knowledge. Do ANY guys like this trend?”
“They’re boner killers. They are the granny panties of pants. Literally nobody can pull them off. They look as off-balanced as an uncircumcised penis. Girls that wear them literally look like they smell bad. I always just assume that girls who wear high-waisted shorts are rocking the old-school, nude-colored, belly button-touching granny panties underneath.”
-Nick, 36
“I thought broads wanted to wear clothing that was flattering. Then again I don’t know much about what women want. I haven’t seen the movie in a while and have the least matched Tinder profile in history. They aren’t shorts, they’re abominations. No, guy has ever thought, ‘You know what would make this girl more attractive? High waisted, vagina suffocating, belly button hiding shorts.’ And we all know that girls should base their lives on changing what they want in order to please us. That is just a basic recipe for female happiness. #Fact.”
-Neal, 33
“I hate them more than cancer.” -Jake, 31
“I really see them as fat hiders. Never seen them on a girl in great shape.”
-Nick, 29
“I think it’s an opportunity for flat-assed young girls to try and appear to have a bigger butt, but it’s false advertisement. Like Spanx in a different kind of way. They’re so stupid. If a girl is wearing them and she has a gorgeous face, great body, big butt, whatever it may be, I’m seriously not interested because of her choice to wear them. HATE THEM.”
-Matt, 27
“High-waisted shorts. In what level of hell is this look attractive? What goes through a woman’s mind when she puts on these Cellulite Showcasers: ‘Yoga pants make my ass look phenomenal, so I’ll throw on these Denim Disasters to give myself a nice cigarette smoker’s butt.’ There was a time when these Fart Filters were contained only to the hipster community, but much like the Ebola virus, its spreading fast and we’re all fucked. Ladies, do yourselves (and every guy you walk past) a solid and get a second mirror. Take a peek at your backside in these shorts; if you skipped the gym even once, these shorts will tell on you.”
-Jon, 32
“They completely cover the ass and stomach –the things girls work so hard to shape…or to hide with high-waisted shorts they pulled out of my mom’s attic. What happened to 2002 and the glory days when Christina Aguilera got dirrty rocking her ‘tight hip-huggers, low for sure’? I miss that shit.”
-Nick, 33
“If a girl is tall and has long legs she can totally rock high-waisted shorts, but when short girls with short torsos wear them they look like a baby in a diaper. And high-waisted SKIRTS make girls butts long and flat. Anaconda don’t want none. However, high-waisted shorts were designed to hold the new iPhone 13 comfortably in the back pocket.”
-Brandon, 32
“Part of your back is in your shorts? WTF? They have the ability of making even the hottest girls look bad. Mom butt. This must be stopped.”
Justin, 39
And the ONE outlier from our bestie Trey…
“They are fine. All the ones I’ve have seen are real short at bottom therefore pretty much exposing a girl’s ass which is good.”
(And ladies, Trey is single so if you’re looking for a guy to appreciate the exposed bottom of your mom butt, Snapchat him.)
So there you have it. Real talk from real dudes on a real trend. And no, I don’t know why everyone is named Nick. As for my take, I do think models (and Kelly Kapowski in 1992) can pull off high-waisted shorts and look ok (I mean, their asses still look dumb), but for regular people, it’s unflattering.
It’s just physics.
I understand that (in theory), they should mask that six-pack of Natty Light you just chugged or hide a food fetus, but I find them to actually enhance midsection imperfections. I say go with the flowy tank instead of shorts that come up to your bra top, but whatever, wear what makes you feel comfortable. My real concern is if something like this could come back from the late ’80s/early ’90s, what…..could be next?
And like I always say, you should never dress/act a certain way to please men, but just know if you’re walking into a room rocking denim at your true waist, you may be turning heads, but you’re also killing boners.
LYLAS,
Ashley
Follow on Instagram @AshHess. High-waisted camel-toe diaper shorts pic coming soon…