I’m just going to say it. It kinda’ blows my mind that beauty pageants still exist in 2014. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that females choose to dedicate their formative years to participating in contests where they are judged on how they look in bikinis and prom dresses, average talents, and ability to answer questions on the spot. But hey, while some of those girls were practicing opera singing and doing sit-ups, I was sneaking into bars and getting wasted, so maybe they’re the smart ones.
But I do LOVE beauty pageants because there is so much awkward amazingness and glorious Twitter commentary, and this year’s Miss America did not disappoint.
Presenting the good, the bad, the weird, and the uncomfortable.
1. The opening dance routine. Now this is where I get a little Judge Judy on these ladies. If someone instructed me to put on a perma-grin and do dance moves straight out of a ‘90s Jazzercise video to a Jason Derulo song in front of millions of people, I would kindly tell them to F off dream on. Seriously, HOW CAN IT BE SO AWKWARD? Who choreographs this shit? Richard Simmons on Molly? The pageant is on the same damn network as Dancing with the Stars. There’s no excuse.
2. Chris Harrison hosted, and something about it felt strangely familiar….
3. The social media try-hard. With the first 10 minutes of the show, I heard the words Instagram, Twitter, and hashtag about 893492734984 times, and Chris Harrison said “selfie-palooza” and I threw up in my wine glass. I get that we’re in the social media age, but the more these shows try to shove their hashtags and Twitter handles down our throats, the more it becomes that dorky parent desperately trying to fit in with the kids (see also: Bruce Jenner).
They asked Miss Delaware to share her feelings in 140 characters or less, and she failed miserably. Way to go, home state.
4. The bikini contest. Now this is when I know these betches are truly crazy because they actually CHOOSE to walk around in a bikini on national television (the camera REALLY DOES ADD TEN POUNDS, PEOPLE). It is painfully obvious how intensely they’re sucking in and trying to strut so their boobs bounce, but their thighs don’t jiggle too much. And what’s with the arms flailing, btw?
Also, close-up boob and crotch shots because female empowerment.
5. Speaking of crotches, Miss Nebraska.
And everyone started tweeting about her #CornHusker because the Internet is a magical place (unlike Nebraska).
6. Then there was the talent competition where the ventriloquist absolutely CRUSHED IT (a sentence I never thought I’d type).
Holiday Barbie sang The Godfather theme.
And we learned some fun facts about the gals.
HOW DID MISS FLORIDA NOT WIN BASED ON THAT ALONE?
Also, Miss New York sang the one song I wish would be banned from existence, “Happy,” and flipped a solo cup around on the ground.
Which got me thinking if I was ever in a talent competition, I would actually just play flip cup.
ALSO THEY MISSPELLED JANE AUSTEN, which may have been more shocking than Miss Nebraska’s #cornhusker flashing.
6. Then the interview portion. Now let me just say that these interviews are total HORSE SHIT. First of all, they set these ladies up for failure by announcing they’re finalists right before asking them intense/loaded questions. That’s like telling someone “You just won the lottery!” and while they’re still trying to digest that information, you force them to spit out their stance on foreign policy…..in under 30 seconds. They literally asked a chick how the US should respond to ISIS. As someone on Twitter so eloquently stated: “The most powerful men in the Pentagon can’t even answer that one.” They should have just asked them their favorite Instagram filters and why (I mean, I’d like to know).
7. Then Miss New York won because apparently the judges had blocked out her Happy Cups performance like the rest of us, and it became apparent:
Hashtag #IWillNeverGetThose2HoursBack.
LYLAS,
Miss Georgia 2016