Girls are notorious for being late. And no I don’t mean ALL girls so you punctual bitches can refrain from being offended and/or typing out a comment detailing your punctuality and how it’s equated to your superior success so all of us late assholes can feel like loser pieces of shit. Because we already feel like shit (well, some of us). I don’t like being late. I don’t like people thinking I don’t respect their time and I especially don’t like rushing around my apartment like a Tasmanian Devil on meth because the clock just struck 8:03 and I was supposed to be at the restaurant at 8 and I haven’t even put on deodorant yet. BUT SOMEHOW I AM ALWAYS LATE. And on the rare occasion I am on time, the other girl(s) I’m meeting are late (because duh they’re girls) and then I am filled with inexplicable rage, which is totally unacceptable and hypocritical but again, I never said I wasn’t an asshole. The sad thing is I do have the capability to be on time–I’m never rarely late to a workout class, and just yesterday I was one minute early to an important meeting. Granted the meeting was a conference call I took in my apartment whilst wearing pajamas but I WAS ON TIME.
So yeah, it’s an epidemic and us late girls know it and most of us can pull it together and show up on time to work or a barre class….but when it comes to social obligations, the wheels completely fall off. BUT WAIT WE HAVE REASONS.
Presenting 50 honest reasons girls are always late straight from the horses’ (lip glossed) mouths.
1. “I was on schedule but then my hair and makeup were so on point, I had to take a selfie to show the group text, but I couldn’t get the lighting right. After 47 attempts, I finally nailed it (and missed dinner).”
2. “I actually was there on time; I was just scrolling Instagram in the parking lot and forgot to come in.”
3. “I tried on everything in my closet, decided I hate my entire wardrobe and had a existential crisis/meltdown that involved calling my mom, popping a Xanax, and ugly crying. Don’t judge me.”
4. “I made the irrational decision to use a curling iron on my hair and forgot HOW LONG THIS TAKES. 17 minutes in and it was too late to turn back because I can’t go out with half-curled/half-straight hair like a complete lunatic (you understand).”
5. “I waited until the very last possible minute to start getting ready because there is literally nothing worse on this Earth than sitting around being dressed up with nowhere to go.”
6. “I planned to wear my new backless shirt that can ONLY be worn with sticky boobs but when I retrieved my sticky boobs from the drawer they had lost their stickiness so I had to start from square one re-planning my entire outfit so go ahead and just remove me from the dinner reservation now and maybe I’ll meet you guys at the bar for last call (if I’m lucky) or just die.”
7. “I was planning on a natural look but halfway through my routine, decided to go full smoky eye and it was like I had never used eyeshadow before and I ended up having to wash my face and start from scratch.”
8. “Uber is lost. Are you serious, how hard is it to find an apartment with an address AND a GPS in 2015? On top of that, they had the audacity to literally CALL and tell me they were lost, JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.”
9. “It started raining so I couldn’t leave the house until it let up because I got a blowout today. I mean yeah, I know we had plans at 6 and it’s 8:30 now but like, look at this hair.”
10. “Netflix kept asking me if I wanted to watch another episode. How am I supposed to say no to that?”
11. “Honestly, I would rather have people wait on me than me wait on them. I’m a total douchebag, I know.”
12. “I had to take a nap. Friday is hard enough as it is, so replacing Happy Hour with Nappy Hour is basically a necessity to actually make it through the entire evening without falling asleep in my vodka soda. And sometimes I ‘forget’ to set my alarm because it just feels so good to lay the fuck down.”
13. “My friends are always late and have made me ponder homicide/suicide once or twice with how they’ve made me wait at restaurants, bars, their couch, so now I’m always late, too. It took me a while to catch on to their terrible habit, but since adopting it myself, everyone is on an even playing field when it comes to punctuality so that’s good (I guess)?”
14. “WHERE IS MY OTHER EARRING.”
15. “I went online to look up the address/details of the event and fell into the Internet black hole and forgot who I was or where I was going.”
16. “I have nothing to wear. No, literally. I stood there for a half hour on the verge of tears, contemplating setting my entire closet on fire with a Yankee candle.”
17. “Uber is surging. I’m just going to wait until it goes down. Oh wow it just went up again. Is my old college roommate worth 4.9x the regular rate? Probably not.”
18. “Mom called to tell every detail of her day about all the various errands she ran and no matter how many times I say, “Well I really gotta’ go get ready, I’m supposed to be somewhere 15 minutes ago,” she somehow starts the convo all over again? How does she do this.”
19. “The outfit that looked amazeballs in my head looked like absolute shit IRL, forcing me to go back to square one and inevitably added another 25 minutes to getting out the door.”
20. “My friends with kids want to eat dinner at ridiculous times like 7/7:30, so I’m proving a point by showing up at 8. It’s not my fault they got knocked up.”
21. “I got into a completely unexpected text rally with my sister/mom/new love interest that had me sprinting back and forth from the bathroom to my phone on its charger (because I can’t leave the house under 80%). And then I had to stop and rest on the bed from all that cardio.”
22. “I’m fat and ugly and hate myself and DON’T EVEN TRY TO TELL ME OTHERWISE.”
23. “In my 30+ years, I’ve yet to grasp the concept that if I have somewhere to be, say, 7 p.m., that means I actually need to set aside time BEFORE 7 P.M. to get ready and actually get there. I’m working on it. Ish.”
24. “I forgot to move my belongings from work bag to going out purse (or vice versa.) This includes all but not limited to: drivers license, credit card, brush, mirror, concealer, wipes, lipstick/gloss/balm/stain/whatever, blotting papers, eyeliner, cash money, breath mints, keys, phone, perfume, hair ties. Gotta’ retrieve all of these necessities and put them in the correct bag. CAN. NOT. LIVE. WITHOUT. THE BLOTTERS.”
25. “Three Words: Clip. In. Extensions.”
26. “I decided to try a cat eye for the first time with a mere 12 minutes ’til departure time. I need a life coach.”
27. “I didn’t have time to wash my hair so I used dry shampoo but then I used too much and now I look 84 years old and have to actually wash my hair now so see you never.”
28. “I got in the car and realized the gas tank was on empty (read: below empty) because I didn’t get gas on the way home last night when I had plenty of time because that would been the responsible thing to do, and now I have to pump gas in heels and a short dress. #Blessed.”
29. “My boyfriend wanted to have sex and I couldn’t deny him because what if he felt rejected and retaliated by flirting with some girl at the bar!? NOT AN OPTION.”
30. “TEXT MESSAGES. SO MANY TEXT MESSAGES. How can my friends expect me to be on time for something when they’re blowing up my phone about the very thing I’m supposed to be on time for?”
31. “CONTOURING. Life was so much easier before this was a thing.”
32. “I forgot I haven’t shaved my legs in 2 weeks due to the 30-degree weather but suddenly it’s club night and I have to freeze in a bodycon mini dress (#PrettyHurts)….which also means I have to put on sunless tanner, SEND HELP.”
33. “I got drunk the night before and left my car somewhere and I remembered only after I frantically searched for it, then had to Uber to it and drive to my destination.”
34. OMG I seriously pulled in like, 20 minutes ago but parking was A NIGHTMARE, I can’t even.”
35. “I got stuck in my towel after showering (I mean, not physically, although I wouldn’t rule it out). We are one now, I cannot abandon it. Can I wear it out? Perhaps.”
36. “I got completely ready then spilled a WHOLE GLASS of wine down the front of me and had to change and also kill myself. (Ok, so it was just like, a drop, but I’ll say it was a WHOLE GLASS when I defend my tardiness later.)”
37. “On the way out the door, I had the thought that I might want to bring a guy home later so I power-cleaned my entire apartment, which included shoving everything into my closet, hiding my vibrators, and toilet brushing.”
38. “SHIT I LEFT MY STRAIGHTENER ON.”
39. “I literally could not stop watching a Married at First Sight marathon until five minutes past our reservation time but it’s ok because I know I can just blame traffic and no one will ever question it.”
40. “I was 8 degrees of separation in on Insta and JUST found a friend-of-a-friend’s wedding hashtag where I spotted this guy I kinda’ had sex with once and then I had to go back through our text messages to remember what went wrong, and dinner was 3 hours ago.”
41. “Mom called again.”
42. “The temperature TOTALLY changed from when I checked my weather app 5 hours ago so I had to re-plan my entire outfit. No I couldn’t step outside and check, what kind of peasant do you think I am?”
43. “As I was putting the finishing touches on my ‘cute and casual’ look, I got a text from a friend saying my ex might be there so I had to commence operation HOT AS FUCK because cute and casual is clearly no longer an option and this will take at least 3 hours.”
44. “I got completely ready before getting dressed, but when I put on my shirt, I realized it was more wrinkled than Hugh Hefner’s ass, so I had to iron it but clearly I had no time for ironing (and no ironing board because #adulthood) so I attempted to smooth it out with my flat iron which barely worked and then I burnt myself and had a complete breakdown that tacked on at least another 9.5 minutes.”
45. “I got drunk (and showed up late, hammered, and brutally judged), BUT I SHOWED UP.”
46. “I stumbled across a new IG account (mostly cats in outfits, cats in makeup, drunk cats…the like) and spent a ridiculous amount of time liking and tagging friends on every pic. Sorry, but also, you’re welcome.”
47. “OMG I got an Uber and it showed up but I took too long to come outside so he canceled the ride and now I’m too pissed at the company to call another Uber so I’m going to need to sit here and pout/drink wine until I am emotionally stable enough to venture out into public.”
48. “I’ve attempted and failed roughly four times to get my fake lashes on, and eventually the one that’s stuck to my eyebrow will just have to suffice because it’s better than nothing amirite?”
49. “OH MY GOD I FORGOT DEODORANT.”
50. “Honestly, I don’t want to spent too much time with you (if I show up late, you’re already starving, ready to order, annoyed and most likely ready to leave), so I purposely procrastinated. No offense.”
I mean, with all of these challenges standing in our way, it’s a miracle we ladies are able to get through the day. So next time you’re meeting your #GirlSquad for #WineNight and half of them show up 2 hours late, cut them some slack because 1 or 50 of these things could have happened to them and you have no idea what they’re going through on a personal level. As if I even need to say it……..the struggle is so real.
LYLAS,
Ashley
Thank you to all the amazing ladies who contributed to this article; follow them all!
Laura Diem
Jenny Jones
Jamie Kelton
Emma Golden of Emma’s Thing
Allison Arnone of AA blog
Haley Gardner
Lillian Charles
Liza Dunning
Lauren Noll
Kacie Lett
Christine Keith
Feel free to leave any reasons I missed in the comments below!