I can’t tell you how many times my girlfriends and I have sat around at brunch talking about sex, and been like, “You know, it’s totally AMAAAAAZING having sex with condoms, but what would make it even more UHHHHH-mazing would be a whole lot more latex. Like, the dude’s entire junk area covered in rubber. Ohmygod, I think I just came.”
And because I’m certain all you ladies have had that same exact conversation over eggs benedict, and you fellas are all out there reading blogs to uncover more ways to please us in the bedroom, behold: THE SCROGUARD.
That’s right, a full latex diaper-thong to cover each and every inch of a man’s genitalia so there is literally zero skin-to-skin contact while you’re knockin’ da boots.
Pardon me, I just climaxed.
Doesn’t that sound like a real treat, gals? He’s sweating balls (literally) in a rubber panty while you’re getting latex burn on your freshly waxed vag? Mmmmmm.
Here’s some important info and incredible analogy about this revolutionary product:
“Scroguard™ can be worn as a standalone product, or you can put it on underneath your favorite pair of boxers.” (LADIES, PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT AND PICTURE TAKING OFF A DUDE’S BOXERS AND SEEING HIS SCROGUARD.)
“Football players wear protective pads so they can play harder. Skiers wear helmets so they can go faster. Soldiers wear armor so they can excel in battle. Men wear Scroguard™ so they can enjoy sex to the fullest, while reducing skin-to-skin contact.”
(I SWEAR the last time I Googled “sexual intercourse” it said it involved skin-to-skin contact, but maybe I’m thinking of something else.)
The Scroguard is $20, BUT it’s reusable, so after sex you just hand wash it with mild soap, hang to air-dry, then “store in a dark, cool, dry place” such as your basement where you keep all the whips and chains YOU SICK FREAK.
Moving right along, here is a handy instructional infographic for you:
For the record, if you’re using this thing, you’re not “making love.” You’re banging a tranny hooker. However, I do like that it has buttons. Classier than Velcro.
But I will give this company credit for trying to romanticize this disaster of a product by taking an amateur photo of it next to two bottles of wine (filled with Molly I assume) and a nice arrangement of K-mart scented candles.
If that isn’t the picture of a perfect Valentine’s Day, then I don’t know what is.
If you want more info (or giggles), feel free to watch the weird animated video, which starts with a clever rhyme (“You’re getting ready to have a blast, but you’re not sure about someone’s sexual past. Part of the skin of your genital area has a cover, but most is still exposed to your lover.”)
I would love to hear anyone and everyone’s take on this, so comment below if you’re not scerred. And ladies, I hope if you were about to bone down with a dude and he wanted to wear a Scroguard, you would laugh in his face and leave his place…but not before stealing that prophylactic panty for show-and-tell at brunch the next day.
LYLAS,
Safe Sex Hess