I’m currently writing this from a 2013 Porsche Cayenne fully equipped with air-conditioned 14-way adjustable seats, 4 phones, an iPad, 2 laptops (with working charger), 2 Internet connections (just in case one isn’t fast enough), refrigerator, espresso maker (WHAT?), and 2 bikes on the back.
Welcome to #RoadTrippingWithRob. (If we were in my 2003 Xterra, we probably wouldn’t even have a solid 3G connection and there would be 86 warm, half-empty water bottles in the backseat).
ANYWAY. One of my best friends, Rob Bolen, is moving to NYC (sniff sniff) and we decided to make a five-day road trip out of it (I’m sure there was a “Come on Hess, you don’t have a real job” comment made at some point), so we’re off. We’ve obviously eaten at Chick-fil-a (can’t road trip without it) and I’m about to start doing my nails (which Rob does not know yet). Rob just made an espresso but wouldn’t let me get video (don’t worry; I’ll break him).
Which brings me to a question I posed the other day on Facebook: What are the most annoying things you can do on a road trip (as a passenger)? I’ve compiled the best ones and will be seeing which ones I can get away with over the next 1,015 miles. Jesus, take the wheel.
1. Mani/pedi (OBVI). Complete with toenail clippings flying everywhere. Windows up so you get the full effect of the fumes.
2. Lotion up your hands and touch all the interior glass in the car.
3. Use the “air brake” or gasp every time the car in front breaks as if you’re going to wreck.
4. – 9. (all from the same hilarious girl): -Continuously ask “Ohmygod, did you see that?” -Develop a sporadic cough and make weird noises with your throat. -Spill snacks everywhere, especially popcorn. -Every time you pass a truck, try to find a connection with something on that truck and tell a pointless story. -Retell the same pointless stories.
-Keep talking about how sleepy you are and that you’re going to take a nap, but tell pointless stories instead (my personal favorite).
10. Play a video game with the sound on (anyone have an old-school Gameboy?)
11. Get wasted. Sober up with psychedelic mushrooms.
12. Demand to stop and shop/pee at every Cracker Barrel. Cry if the driver doesn’t comply.
13. “Put on noise canceling headphones. My ex did that the second we got in the car for a 5-hour road trip. I almost dumped him on the spot.” –Jessica, My Style Vita
14. Sleep the entire time. Snore.
15. Constantly put your finger in the driver’s right ear.
16. Keep unbuckling your seatbelt (ding ding ding!) and go into the backset to “grab something out of your bag” while you ass is three inches from the driver’s face.
17. Read all the signs out loud. All. Of. Them.
18. Be on a conference call through the speakers.
19. Be on a conference call on your cell phone while the driver is on a conference call through the speakers.
20. Sit in the back seat and put your hands over the driver’s eyes as a SURPRISE CHALLENGE.
Challenges accepted, friends.
(PS, I do not personally endorse #20.)
Follow the trip on Instagram @AshHess (I promise not to rapid-fire overload), because the places we are hitting are uber #dope (the guy with an espresso maker in his Porsche booked them), and I’m sure there will be some interesting antics. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to reach into the backset to get my nail clippers.
LYLAS,
Ashley