Alarming statistic: Since April 1, the number of minor car accidents per month among females ages 19-34 has nearly TRIPLED. And I know the reason, as I almost rear-ended someone just yesterday:
Hot guys running with their shirts off.
It’s an epidemic and it’s got to stop, for the safety of us hot-blooded young gals. (Ladies who are reading Fifty Shades of Grey and turned on 24/7 are even more at risk.) Fellas, please make note. If you look like the man below, for the love of humanity and safe roadways, keep your shirt on. And if you have tattoos, you’re even more of a threat (with the exception of tribal or barbwire arm bands).
I’ll wait while you collect yourself.
Okay, moving along…
I live by the motto “Safety first,” and while I’m usually referring to contraceptives, I’ve utilized my knowledge of precautions to develop five simple ways you can stay safe this summer and also help your community in lessening the wreckage among female drivers.
1. Spread the word. If you know and/or are dating any dudes who are pushing 11 on the Smokin’ Hot Scale (lucky you), please inform them of the dangers they pose when running shirtless. And if you must, give them the shirt off your own back (which could lead to some hanky panky, so thank me later). But seriously, what if it was YOUR man’s fault that a helpless girl got in a fender bender on the way home from work? You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself.
2. Tunnel vision. You wear sunglasses while driving, so purchase some highly fashionable side-shield shades to block your peripheral vision and keep your peepers straight ahead. Think that’s dangerous? It could be. I never said I was a driver’s ed teacher. But at least it will prevent you from staring down that Kellen Lutz-lookalike jogging on the sidewalk. If you don’t want to splurge on Thom Browne’s $800 blinders (below left) or aren’t digging Julbo’s ’80s style (below right, $140), Amazon has some pretty sweet options and CLIP ON side shields for under $5. I think we’re on to a trend here.
3. Belt it out. Make sure you have an iPod playlist or CD going at all times with songs you can’t help but sing to; if you’re giving a full-blown concert in the drivers seat, you won’t be distracted by the Greek God running by. These songs include but are not limited to: “Call Me Maybe,” “We Found Love,” “Super Bass,” anything from Adele’s last album, and “Call Me Maybe.” If you’re a Sirius girl, keep it tuned to ’90s on 9–you’ll either sing at the top of your lungs (hello, Shania Twain and Alanis Morisette) or be deep in thought pondering what the hell was up with some of the tunes from that decade (“Barbie Girl,” “Mambo No. 5“).
4. Give back. Organize a Hot Guy T-shirt Drive in your community. If these dangerous fellas are given clothing from the goodwill of their fellow neighbors, maybe they’ll be more inclined to wear it. To ensure you get a good crop of studs and not a bunch of scrubs trying to get a free tee, have the drive somewhere like the gym, GNC, or the hot guy coffee shop (every city has one).
5. Desensitize yourself. Before you hit the road, take a few minutes and stare at pictures of hot, shirtless men so you’ll be more immune when one comes out of nowhere. I’ve provided some to get you started.
6. Assume they’re gay. And if they’re THAT sculpted and underwear model-esque (and in Atlanta)…they probably are. No offense, straight dudes.
Now, not only do you have a lady boner (it’s Channing’s fault), but you’re primed with knowledge to stay fender bender-free through the summer.
It’s going to be a hot one.
LYLAS,
Ashley
PS, Yes, I totally made up that statistic, but I wouldn’t be surprised….