Ladies and gents, it is a very special day over here at Witty + Pretty. Our very first MALE contributor (and hopefully, the first of many) is on deck! Legendary Atlanta playboy, successful entrepreneur, and JC Penney catalog model Trey “Tom” Humphreys is offering up his (extreme) expertise on what turns men off about women (and oh, has he dated a lot of them). Without further ado…
Hey ladies, want to know what turns guys off? Herpes. Want to know what else turns guys off? Well, lucky for you, old man Tom here is going to give you my eight cents on the subject. Now, let me preface this convo (that is short for conversation, #BTW) by stating that I am not one of those dudes who “slays” chicks. Not by choice, but by the fact that I lack noticeable muscle structure and have a general fear of talking to girls. Ergo, I don’t have a tremendous amount of experience, but I have dated plenty of women. Thank God I was a professional football player Falcons mascot. Now, on to my top five turn-offs when it comes to the female race:
5. Long toenails: I don’t know if this is a fashion statement or survival adaptation, but it sucks. If a fella catches one of those bad boys on the shin during missionary intercourse, he will need a Tetanus shot. WTF is Tetanus by the way? Tip: Cut those death daggers. They are not “cute.”
4. Perfume: Ladies, you have a 50/50 chance of a dude liking your perfume. You have a 85/15 chance of the last chick he dated wearing the same scent because you both shop at Macy’s. Therefore, you have a 12.5% chance of said fella not suffering involuntary reflux when he is around you. Tip: If you must, go very light with the Vanilla Fields.
3. Spray tans: Easy now, I know you are chewing my ass through the interweb as we speak, but hang on a tic. Spray tans are nasty. None nastier than the first 48 hours you have to let it set by not showering. Furthermore, three days post-paint job, your hands and feet look like a muddy parking lot as it wears and tears. Not to mention your neck and underarms. Now don’t preach the cancer thing to me because I am not a biologist. Tip: Don’t freak on any dudes during the “let it set before I shower” phase, and wear gloves and socks at all times.
2. Heels in the wrong places: Strippers and Victoria’s Secret models wear high heels. At work. However, they don’t wear them at the pool, beach, or three-day music festival in the woods. Even if you’re hot, guys recognize you are a douchebag if you’re wearing heels around large bodies of water or fields.
1. Fart: Not the act of farting, but the use of fart jokes. Chicks that tell fart jokes are a turn-off and probably have yellow, 4-inch toenails. Don’t talk about feces either. Ever.
Lucky in love,
Tom
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W+P rebuttal: He’s extreme, but some gals need tough love! As for perfume, yeah…don’t douse yourself with a hardcore scent on a first date (ease in slowly until he gives you the “You smell good” compliment) and if you’re wearing Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue, Theirry Mugler Angel, or Chanel Chance, it’s likely he dated a girl with the same signature fragrance, so be aware. As for tans, Trey has obviously been scarred by a 22-year-old (or five) he hooked up when she came straight from the Palm Beach Tan spray chamber or had a bad DIY job. Follow the rules of hooking up with a spray tan (and visit a professional so you never get those “muddy parking lot” limbs he so eloquently referenced), and you’ll be good to go. Other than that, solid advice from our first dude (ish). Except for the farting thing. So we CAN pass gas, but just not joke about it? Not that I was going to, but just to um, clear the air for future reference. I’ll find out and report back. And if any of you guys out there have an interest in contributing (and think you can do better than this guy), email me at ashley@witty.gilliansarah.com!