Girls these days JUST CAN’T. Sometimes we can’t even, sometimes we CAN NOT and other times, we are literally dying. We often ask “Is this real life?”, realize our lives are totally F’d (#FML), or simply have to say “stop” (or use this Emoji).
But lots of people (namely males) don’t understand why girls can’t even, so I wanted to provide this handy list of 12 things that provoke such a response, complete with real-life quotes. Fellas (and baby boomers), when you hear a girl say she “just can’t” or “literally can’t even,” chances are she just experienced a scenario illustrated below…and could be on the verge of literally dying.
Presenting: 12 things girls can’t even…
1. Your ex-boyfriend’s ridiculousness since you broke up. He is acting a fool on social media, partying with douchebags, and is rumored to be dating a 22-year-old who calls herself a model, but actually just works at the mall.
“Chad just posted an Instagram at a club with a fake grill in his mouth and hashtagged #BoutThatLife. I can’t even.”
2. Your parents on Facebook and/or text. Dad still signs “Love, Dad” on his texts and Mom shares inspirational quote memes on Facebook and has liked or commented on every single thing you have posted since she joined in 2012.
“My mom just posted the most heinous family photo from like, 1997, with caption ‘Flashback Thursday.’ I can’t even.”
3. Taylor Swift.
It goes without saying.
4. Douchebags on Tinder/Match/etc. What ACTUALLY does go through a dude’s head to put up a shirtless mirror selfie as a profile picture?
I can’t even.
5. Guys who don’t get the picture. You haven’t responded to him in days, but he just liked all your Instagram posts from 2012.
“After I didn’t respond to his texts, he sent me four Facebook messages in a row and a damn LINKEDIN request. I can’t even.”
6. THAT girl at the gym. Not only is she wearing lingerie, full makeup, and her hair is down, but she’s reading an US Weekly on the elliptical at 0 resistance and isn’t leaving without taking a selfie. Girl, go home.
“And is that a butterfly tramp stamp? I literally cannot.”
7. The worst coworker/person ever. Nickelback Pandora, protein powder on his desk, an ear-splitting hyena laugh when he’s looking at TheChive.com, and a penchant for overused phrases are just a few of this guy’s charms.
“I swear to God, Dave just said YOLO and he wasn’t kidding. I can’t.”
8. Facebook oversharers. Poopy diaper pics, how dilated your vagina is, a detailed recount of your mole removal, play-by-play of your shitty day, something really tragic that should probably be shared privately with family members only, rants about #FirstWorldProblems (a missed spa appointment, your housekeeper being late, anything in the Delta Sky Club), and graphic injury/bruise/bloody photos. Please stop; this is not your diary (or your doctor).
I can’t even.
9. The weather. When the season is anything but what it’s SUPPOSED to be (cold in the spring, muggy in the winter), we’re freaking out. Ice/snow/heavy rain and wind? We’re dead. And how the fuck are we supposed to look cute?
“37 degrees in April? I just can’t.”
10. Fashion. It could be your friend frenemy, co-worker, celebrity in a mag, or a random on the street. When girls see an outfit they are so utterly confused and appalled by, they…just…can’t.
(But we just can’t with Anne Hathaway in general.)
11. Absolutely insane boss or client requests. Sometimes it’s like they’re torturing you for sport.
“She was unresponsive on email all week and just asked me to ‘bang out’ a monthly report at 5 p.m. on Friday. I can’t even.”
12. Remembering/recapping how much you ate/drank the night before. It’s even worse when you’re already literally dying of a hangover.
“Our tab was $54 in Fireball shots and I woke up with a Crunchwrap Supreme wrapper in my bed. I literally cannot even right now.”
Ladies, with all the things we can’t, we will get through this thing called life. Until we literally die.
LYLAS,
Ashley
*Featured/top photo via @breznican