Why do girls cry about everything?
Could someone please explain this phenomenon to me? I don’t mean just once in a while like I do, but all the time. Now, I can understand when ol’ girl catches her amazing-soulmate-boyfriend tongue kissing another man he met at QuickTrip, but I’m talking about the smallest occurrences in life. I’m not saying it’s wrong; I am just wondering WTF causes this emotional disaster. It is truly one of the eight mysteries of the Universe next to Stonehenge and whatever they put in Chick-fil-a biscuits. Perhaps it has something to do with a female’s eggs or her crows feet or her umbilical chord. Who knows, but it’s bizarre. I saw a girl trip and (gently) fall one time. Full blown tears. Zero physical harm.
On the flip side, there are men in the military who have half their torso blown off. Not even a sniffle.
This isn’t to say dudes aren’t f*cked up, too. Just because they don’t cry (the heteros, at least) doesn’t mean they are normal. Dudes are literally the dumbest beings on the planet.
As some of you 37 readers may or may not know, I started the Fur Bus many moons ago, which is a party bus company here in Atlanta. Since then, we have serviced approximately 8 trillion bachelorette parties. There are a few key facts about bachelorette parties you should know. First, they are horrible. Second, there is always AT LEAST one girl that cries EVERY TIME. Matter of fact, if you ever have seven or more girls together for any extended period of time, one will cry. It’s nature.
Adding alcohol to the mix increases the cry factor by 6,000. Hammered crying girls are always a sight to behold.
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Some things you might observe during a bachelorette party:
Betsy leaves Lorraine at the bar alone. Cry.
Crystal is flirting with a cute guy Gail likes. Cry.
Barbara looks fat. Cry.
Amber tells Mitsy she is her best friend. Cry.
Bride tells friends she loves them. Cry.
Annoying Karen falls off the bus. Cry.
Bride sleeps with male stripper. Cry.
Tiffany’s feet hurt. Cry.
Tiffany LITERALLY cannot walk anymore without taking her shoes off, but then she will probably get Tetanus. Cry.
LaQuisha vomits on her “suck for a buck” shirt. Cry.
Ashley breaks a nail on the stripper pole on party bus. Cry.
Something else. Cry.
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Now, here are a few of the most baffling things females cry about (along with instances where it’s semi-normal to break down in hysterics):
Standard: She gets pulled over.
Weird: She looks in the mirror.
Standard: During a Nicholas Sparks movie.
Weird: During sex.
Standard: When a baby is born.
Weird: When a cat licks itself.
Standard: A family member dies.
Weird: Her iPhone dies.
Standard: She gets fired from her job.
Weird: She’s constipated.
Standard: She gets engaged.
Weird: She walks by Kay Jewelers in the mall.
Standard: Her boyfriend is an asshole.
Weird: Her boyfriend is not an asshole.
Standard: On her wedding day.
Weird: At the DMV.
Standard: When she finds out she has an STD.
Weird: After three amaretto sours.
Standard: Her ferret dies.
Weird: Her ferret dies.
Standard: When she sees someone hurt a puppy.
Weird: When she sees a puppy picture on Instagram.
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And now, 10 signs a gal might want to get her crying under control:
1. She cries in bars.
2. She cries during sex. Or before. Or after.
3. She cries at commercials.
4. She cries because she got a haircut.
5. She cries in traffic.
6. She cries in Old Navy.
7. She cries during Dave Matthews songs.
8. She cries during light exercise.
9. She cries harder because she is crying.
10. She is crying right now reading this.
Does all this crying have to do with feelings? My therapist told me I need to get in touch with my feelings. Break down the walls. Open up my heart. Love my inner child. I fired her because she started crying. True story.
If anyone has the answer to this life question, please let me know via a comment or a #CryingSelfie on Instagram.
#SingleForeverLikeALoserWhoHasNoHeartFromChildhoodIssues,
Tear-free Tom