Hello, music friends. This old man attended the famous Coachella Music Festival last weekend and would like to report back to you about my magical experience. Overall, meh. Sure there are 17,000 bands and DJs splattered over a bushel of stages consuming the Empire Polo Grounds, but it’s not all horses and roses. Aside from my near-death experience with a contaminated dessert food, here are the 10 worst things about Coachella weekend 1:
10. Temperature: It was generally 130 degrees during the day and around 38 degrees at night. This, in essence, required you to wear nothing as you sweat nuts during the day yet lug ski clothes around for the night, unless you were all wacked out on the latest narcotic and slammed in the middle of the EDM tent where it is always a pleasant 280 degrees.
9. Hiking: If you didn’t park in VIP or were a performer, you had to hike a trillion miles to the entrance. These yahoos decided to have the taxi/Uber/bus drop-offs exactly 39.3 miles from the entrance so you got to walk down a winding fenced area for the better part of 3 hours. Have no fear; it was 120 degrees when I performed this walk and I got to taste of all the dust from the car lot next to the trail the whole time (free of charge).
8. Gangs: While all hopped up on the three beers I was able to purchase after waiting in four separate lines, I started noticing tons of gang members. I kept my head down until one of my friends told me those folks wear face masks because they are tweaking on Molly and that is what you do when you are tweaking on Molly. My friend Joel married a Molly and he never wears a face mask. Must be the west coast.
7. Justin Bieber: He was there (swear to God) because he hasn’t been deported back to Canada yet. Hooray.
6. DustStorm 2014: Saturday night, there was a fantastic sand storm, which consisted of 40+ MPH winds that graciously gathered all the sand in California and painfully forced it into every open pore of my body. This complimentary exfoliation and lung cleanser was a solid buzzkill. Mother Nature hates Muse.
5. Fashion: It looked like an Urban Outfitters and a Navajo Indian souvenir shop exploded and all the clothing fell on the anorexic slim beauty models and chiseled Rob Lowe lookalikes at the festival. This event took hipster to a new level and I looked homeless in a T-shirt and shorts.
4. Food: The food was actually good. Really, it was. Wait, I was supposed to be talking about the worst things. Fack.
3. You are ugly: If you think you are attractive, think again. EVERYBODY at this thing (sans toilet crew) is Hollywood beautiful with -.07% body fat. Statistically, that makes you well below average. Don’t even try makeup because it will melt into your face or get sand-crusted. Tinder is a lost cause.
2. Expensive: If you thought the ticket and travel were expensive, call TitleMax and get a loan for the drinks and your ride home. The drinks are only $11 each (unless you are in VIP where the same ¼ ounce of vodka costs $14 and don’t even think about a lime garnish) and if you dare Uber or UberX get ready for a 4000% surcharge. After spending $400 on 3 drinks, I headed back to the hotel in an UberX (the generic uber), and it was measly $89 for 4.6 miles. Thanks, assholes.
1. Sobriety: Because it is 18 and up, you are only allowed to consume alcohol in these weird, slam-packed beer gardens. Said beer gardens are generally three miles from any stage and have lines to get in before you have to wait in another line to get booze. Once you have booze, you can’t leave said beer garden until you finish your booze. Ergo, it is impossible to get drunk at Coachella and actually watch music. Sneak in vodka, lots of vodka.
Well friends, I hope you are rich and have fun if you ever attend Coachella. My only tips if you are headed to the fest this weekend are:
1. Sneak vodka in and buy the fruit drinks so you can actually catch a buzz and not go bankrupt.
2. Take a contamination suit and head gear for the sand storms.
3. Wear designer, fringed clothing so you make some fashion blog.
4. Never ever, take Uber home from the festival. Or if you do, put it on your friend’s account.
5. Steal a VIP pass so you can get away from the 3 million folks they pack on the 200-square-foot polo field.
6. Don’t cry during the Lorde show.
7. Buy one of those chargeable phone cases from Wal-Marts so you can attempt to upload 17,000 pictures of nothing to your Instagram proving exactly how cool you are for being at Coachella.
8. Wear a fanny pack, always.
9. Don’t do drugs you find on the ground.
10. Post plenty of AHHHH-mazing pictures of the Ferris wheel and palm trees at sunset because NOBODY has done that yet.
Take care, you festival freaks.
LYLAS,
Sandy Tom (oldest guy at the fest)
*Some of these statistics may not be exactly accurate.
*Featured image from Beyonce Instagram; last image from Oregonlive.com