Praise the Lawd, I finally stopped laughing long enough to write this damn article. So here’s the situation. I’ve seen lists of “turn-offs” on the Internets before but I think they’ve all been mediocre, so I realized it was HIGH TIME to ask the females I know to share the things that kill their lady boners. I polled 50 straight women, ages 25-40, some single, some married, some engaged, and some dating multiple dudes at once (don’t hate the player…), and their brutally honest, hilarious answers made me pee my pants. (No seriously, I had to change my pants last Thursday.) These women are all desirable, attractive, successful, smart, funny, and cool. So single fellas, if that’s what you’re looking for, maybe you should read this. I broke it up into categories and had to cut and condense it as the list was 839472947 pages long, but I focused on the common themes that kept popping up (oh, you’ll see). And of course I added some of my own. Enjoy.
SEX
1. “Don’t be shy and quiet in bed. If it feels good, let me know! Don’t be timid: ‘Can I kiss you? Mind if I touch here?’ Vom.”
2. “Bad kissers. There’s no fixing that.”
3. “Failure to appreciate awesome lingerie. What is wrong with you?”
4. “Don’t make it so goddamn obvious you want to have sex, but then wait around for me to do the same. Just slam me against the wall and let’s do it. Ugh!”
5. “Don’t do me in the exact same position every time we have sex. Get creative for Christ’s sake.”
6. “When they take off their pants first…then their shirt. Gross.” (Yup, worst thing ever.)
7. “Don’t break up with me and then try to sleep with me.”
8. “Dead silence during sex. You don’t have to be all pornographic ‘Fuck me, baby,’ etc., but give me a little something to know you’re enjoying it.”
9. “Do not ejaculate inside of a girl sans condom without asking/discussing it first. ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHO RAISED YOU?”
10. “Just TRY to push my head down to give you a blowjob. I dare you.”
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GROOMING/HYGIENE + FASHION
11. “Bad breath/bad teeth. You want to get laid? Get some dental floss. If you have legitimate halitosis, move to Europe.”
12. “Long fingernails. Yeah, ouch.”
13. “Old underwear (boxers or briefs) because if they look that nasty from the outside, I’m assuming there’s fungus and herpes on the inside.”
14. “Dumb underwear. If you’re rich, get Lululemon. If you’re not, you can buy Calvin Klein shit at TJ Maxx for like $10. Do that.”
15. “If your mom stills buys your underwear, please do not share that with me. YEAH KEVIN I’M TALKING TO YOU.” (Oh snap.)
16. “I honestly can’t deal with a dude who looks at himself in the mirror/spends more time getting ready than I do.”
17. “Cargo shorts. You really need that hammer loop?”
18. “White athletic socks worn with anything other than workout clothes.”
19. “Do you really have to wear that neon Livestrong-style bracelet? I appreciate you supporting a cause, but like…with a suit? Stop it.”
20. “Get rid of your damn back hair. And by that, I mean laser hair removal, electrolysis, or waxing. So you SHAVED your back/upper arms (btw, who is getting those hard-to-reach spots?) and now I just sliced my palm on your stubble while we were having sex. Thanks a lot, asshole.”
21. “Get your crusty feet and long toenails fixed. If I know you can’t keep your feet in average condition, I know whatever is going on in those boxer briefs is straight up Chernobyl.”
22. “Honestly, I know this one can’t be helped, but super-saggy balls are super gross.”
23. “Fully-shaved manhood. It may make you look bigger, but it also makes you look 9 years old and chafes the shit out of my face when it starts to grow back. Yeah I said it.”
24. “Get your teeth fixed. If you’re old enough to be out of college, you’re old enough to get a paycheck and old enough to spend that paycheck at the dentist’s office.”
25. “Please wear enough deodorant, brush your teeth or at least pop a mint, and wax your damn back. Three months in is not enough time to ‘let yourself go’ (three decades isn’t either…IMO).”
26. “Calf tattoos. Tramp stamps. And if you have your fraternity letters tatted on you anywhere visible……bless your heart.”
27. “SHORT-SLEEVED BUTTON DOWN DRESS SHIRTS. Does any female want to fuck Dwight from The Office? NOPE. Burn those trainwrecks. And with a tie? You can’t be serious.”
28. “Farting. I have been intimate with the same dude for over a decade and it still grosses me out when he farts. If I have to battle IBS from holding them in then you should, too. It’s not cute, it’s gross.”
– COMMUNICATION29. “If he calls me ‘dude’ or ‘man’ or ‘kid’ or ‘chica.’ ‘Hey dude! How are you?’ ‘What’s up, chica?’ Barf.”
30. “NEVER CALL ME ‘DUDE’ IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME. PERIOD.”
31. “Constantly plans/talks about trips/outings in front of you with groups of people….and you’re never invited. Oh.”
32. “Refers to his friends as his ‘boys.’ Over-usage of the word bro. NOPE.”
33. “Baby talk. Gross. Everything about this is a turn-off, and I hope I speak for both men and women. I just got chills. The bad kind.”
34. “Baby talk…in general, all the time…but especially over text, i.e. ‘Sowwwwyyyyy babe.’ Um, never call me again. Sowwy I’m not sowwy.”
35. “Baby talk. A snake crawling up my pants would be less creepy, and you can bet you won’t get anywhere near said pants with that annoying shit. Dudes, if you do this please cut the ‘Mommy’s wittle boy’ cord and speak like an adult trying to have intercourse.”
36. “When texting: Any variation of LOL, hehe (vom), excessive smiley faces, excessive exclamation points. Are you an adult male or seventh grade girl?”
37. “If you have several girls on rotation at a given moment, don’t text ‘R U Out?’ to ALL of them in rapid fire to see who responds first. They may be friends and may all be together reading that text aloud on each of their phones and laughing at you. Yup, we’re out. Have fun jerking off.”
38. “Bad grammar. IT’S ‘YOU’RE’ FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.”
39. “Guys that don’t introduce me when new people are around. Rude.”
40. “Unsolicited dick pics. If you were trying to turn me on, you failed. However, if you were trying to send me something I could laugh about with my girlfriends over brunch, you succeeded. Just FYI.”
41. “Talking about the gym nonstop. I LITERALLY DO NOT CARE.”
42. “Asking ‘What’s wrong?’ a thousand times per day. You won’t leave me alone, that’s what’s wrong.”
43. “Use of the word twat. Or cunt. Or any majorly derogatory and misogynistic term for women.”
44. “Guys who are cocky and/or talk about themselves and don’t ask anything about me. I know that you played arena football for half a season seven years ago (cool story, brah), but you don’t even know what I do for a living. Awesome. ”
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DATE ETIQUETTE
45. “Men who don’t pay on the first date. NEWSFLASH: I’m just PRETENDING to reach for my money. Pay on the first date. Just do it. Always. Gawd.”
46. “Men who obsess over their weight or count calories and let me know about it. I just got the 7-layer lasagna, but you got a house salad for your entrée. Check please.”
47. “Guys who need to grow a pair. We text/Facebook/Facetime/Snapchat/hashtag every day. How hard is it to ask me out for pizza? I mean, shit.”
48. “Boring and/or super submissive types. Plan something, take the lead, tell a girl what you two are doing for the evening (provided it’s not something freaky/rapey). Ladies like a ‘man with a plan.’ It’s sexy.”
49. “Eating pho. It stinks, there are tendons in there, and you slurp and spill it while eating. Get a spring roll.”
50. “Talking about only being into Asian girls….to your date who is not Asian.”
51. “Don’t take me to sushi if you can’t use chopsticks.”
52. “Not opening doors. ALL GIRLS LIKE THIS. If they say they don’t, they’re lying and/or weird.”
Or worse…
53. “Guys who open a door….then walk in first.”
54. “Talking about girls you’ve dated/are dating/have slept with/are sleeping with on our date. I mean, if we’re trading relationship stories, that’s one thing, but just offering up that info when I’m in the middle of flirting with you? What?”
55. “When they bring an already open bottle of wine to a BYOB place for you both to share. Are you high?”
56. “Rude to servers, valets, etc. Newsflash: Treat and tip them how you would want to be treated/tipped. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible, or in the Internet.”
57. “Don’t chow down on a dill pickle, garlic bread, and a Corona during our date. When you mix shit like that it makes your breath smell like a grilled gouda and bleu cheese sandwich that’s been lodged under an old man’s grundle for a week.”
58. “Picky eaters. As much as I would love to live on pizza until I die (of heart disease), I can’t deal with someone who won’t experiment with food.”
59. “If you’re ‘frugal,’ fine, whatever. But don’t talk about it all the damn time and put your cheapness on display during our date. My vagina just dried up, thanks.”
60. “Last-minute planners. I can appreciate spontaneity, but I hate guys who tell me I’m ‘too busy’ because I can never take them up on their offers to hang out RIGHTHATSECOND.”
61. “I always hate dudes who are rude to the valet, server, or bartender. And small tippers. If you’re a small tipper, I assume your other tip is small, too.”
– PERSONALITY/BEHAVIORS62. “Laziness. Wake the fuck up, get off the couch, do something. Work out, clean, read, go to work, get a hobby, just don’t rely on me for your ambition.”
63. “Getting so drunk I feel like I’m babysitting you instead of dating you.”
64. “Getting blackout and being an asshole. I do that enough and there’s not room for two drunk assholes in this relationship.”
65. “Too drunk, too often. If I see them stumbling around like a 10-month-old on multiple occasions, I’m out. I’ve been headbutted before by a drunk dude trying to whisper in my ear. Who are you?”
66. “Being a dick to: Waiters, cashiers, children, pets, my mom, your mom, anyone’s mom.”
67. “Douchebags. You know who you are.”
68. “Guys whose ONLY interests are sports and drinking.” (See above.)
69. “Money obsessed. Either they are talking about having money, talking about spending money, eating money…I don’t know. But no one cares. I have a bank account, too.”
70. “Guys with anger problems. You’re scaring me. Go to therapy.”
71. “If he’s not cool with gay people, minorities, Democrats…”
72. “Talking about my family. They suck, I get it, but let me vent to you about them. But if you say something about them when I love them, then you’re mean and I don’t want to be around you for the rest of the night.”
73. “DON’T BE A NEEDY, NOSY BITCH: ‘Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? When will you be done? How do you know him? How long did you date him? Oh you didn’t date him…how long did you DO HIM?’ Yeah, bye. Any dude who does this is a psycho, possessive, insecure narcissist who you will have to break up with three times to get it to take.”
74. “Guys that won’t accept ‘no’ for an answer. I literally said ‘no thank you’…twice. I have not changed my mind, please disappear.”
75. “No career path/ambition. It was ok when you were 21. That was 10 years ago.”
76. “Lack of knowledge on current events. “Like…who’s Ebola?”
– MISCELLANEOUS77. “Men who are not ok with a woman taller than them by an inch or two.”
78. “Pets that live in any cage/tank.”
79. “Men who have other men do things like change a light bulb, mow their small lawn, or power wash/clean out gutters.”
80. “Guys who drive yellow cars.”
81. “Men who are scared to fly on planes. Take a Xanax when I’m not looking and stop being a pussy.”
82. “Guys who still quote Anchorman. Like the really obvious quotes that were funny for like, one month in 2004.”
83. “Cats. Just no.”
So there you have it. Baby talk, bad tippers, drunks, silent sexers, and gross mouths were atop almost every gal’s list. And I’ll add another one: Any guy who acts like this article is proven fact instead of different women’s OPINIONS, gets personally offended, and leaves a whiny comment about how this blog is LITERALLY everything that’s wrong with the world….
Thanks to all the lovely ladies who gave their input. And to all the single guys out there who don’t talk like toddlers, leave 23% tips, and floss daily: Find me on ChristianMingle.
LYLAS,
Ashley