Welp. The collection dropped this morning and H&M’s site is already down.
Wang down! I repeat, Wang down. What?
Anyway, this “sporty couture” collection is badass (in theory) and no doubt I would love to see a runway show of these fashions with some hard-hitting EDM or hip-hop as the soundtrack (this tune, for example), but this shit is not made for real-life people. It’s made for supermodels who want to be superheroes (or something) and also includes athletic gear (boxing gloves, swimming goggles, etc.), which is hilarious. Show me a real athlete who’s trekking down to his/her local H&M for some new equipment and I’ll show you a poser.
That being said, I decided to uncover what these styles REALLY say were you to rock them (but let’s be honest; you’re not).
“I woke up this morning and forgot to take my schizophrenia meds, so I put on my designer swimming goggles, boxing gloves, scuba material cropped sweatshirt, and reflective leggings for running through the ‘hood after dark (because that will save me). Then I put on these ’90s Steve Madden sandals because I actually won’t end up doing any of those activities and I have never punched anything in my life and don’t even know where there’s a pool. But like, look at my abs.”
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“I know it’s cold outside, which is why I decided to wear this weird snakeskin anorak OVER my white biker shorts and also these Batman booties for keeping my feet cozy and comfy. Of course I’m wearing goggles instead of anything to actually keep my head warm, because FASHION; get a clue.”
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“Hey normal women: Good luck looking like anything other than a bloated blimp in this skintight knit dress with horizontal stripes. I don’t even have to wear heels to thinnify myself; in fact, I’ll just wear these fugly lycra Uggs and my legs will still look 10x skinnier than yours.”
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“I’m a professional swimmer, so naturally I wear a bandeau top and teeny bottoms whilst training. When I’m ready to leave the pool and hit the town for brunch or something, I typically throw on a towel to cover up, dem lycra Uggs, gloves up to my elbows, and grab my designer duffel. Of course I keep my goggles on, are you stupid?”
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“I’m doing the walk-of-shame. Weird coincidence my head says WANG on it.”
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“I know I have a camel toe and a potential for muffin top/ribcage roll for the first time in my entire life, but Alexander Wang paid me $9 million to walk down the street in this ridiculous outfit, so you do the math, bitches.”
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And don’t think I forgot about the guys….
“On a first date, I really like to impress, so I wear my patterned leather short-sleeved button-down (AKA gothic Hawaiian shirt), shorts, boots, gloves, and goggles. If that doesn’t creep my date out enough, I bring a backpack and jokingly tell her it’s full of roofies. (Spoiler alert: It is.)”
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“I’m a basic bitch and don’t care who knows it.”
Happy shopping, fashionistas!
LYLAS,
Ashley
*Update, the site is back up…because everything is sold out. #FASHION.