Put on some slow jams, grab your lotion/lube (or whatever), and get ready for a whole lotta’ lust.
It comes courtesy of a friend who I both love and hate because she posts pictures that make me hate my life since I’m not eating what’s she’s eating, force me to lick my computer screen (not recommended), and give me multiple foodgasms.
Friends, meet culinary queen Parker Wallace of What’s On Parker’s Plate as seen on CBS Atlanta.
Of course, I made her do the ever-so-popular Duck Face Turkey Leg Selfie (which I’m surprised we’ve never seen Paula Deen post on Instagram):
The decadent dishes and desserts she makes are, in a word, ridiculous. Oh, that was two words. She also claims to eat the food she makes (well most of it; some of it she just feeds to her badass boyfriend) and stays thin. I know. WTF.
But she’s going to reveal how she makes that magic happen in her e-cookbook “Eat Rich, Stay Skinny,” debuting December 1. In the meantime, feast on the photos below.
Guacamole and Cream Cheese Stuffed Bacon Bites
I mean…what?! Who even thinks of that!? From here on out, I refuse to eat bacon unless it’s stuffed with guac.
Bourbon Banana Bread (recipe)
Bourbon for breakfast? Duh. Good luck going back to regular banana bread after knowing this exists.
Zero Carb Chicken (pork rind and parmesan crust)
Greatest food invention since the sandwich? I THINK SO.
Jambalaya and Cornbread
How do I put this? I WANT TO RUB THIS ALL OVER MY FACE.
Bite Sized Chocolate Chip Cookies (made with sweetened condensed milk)
In Parker’s words, “hot gooey damn.” If God himself baked cookies in heaven, I think this is what he would make. (Wait, do you think he does?)
Chili-laya (recipe)
Good God. Also, I guarantee there’s a little ghetto girl out there named Chili-laya.
Pork Roulades Stuffed With Mushroom Apple Chutney, Pine Nuts and Smoked Gouda
Pork. Wrapped in bacon. Stuffed with cheese. (Don’t worry, the mushrooms and apples make it healthy.)
Maple Sweet Potatoes with Caramelized Onion and Bacon (recipe)
I make sweet potatoes all the time. They look like dog sh*t compared to this.
Mexican Man Breakfast (puff pastry stuffed with cheese, topped with seasoned ground beef, roasted corn and jalapeños, homemade guacamole and salsa)
I had to put on my stretchy pants just to look at this photo.
Punkin’ Pie with Gingerbread Crust
Can we all agree that pumpkin pie should never NOT be made with gingerbread crust?
Roasted Walnut and Gorgonzola Stuffed Figs Wrapped in Proscuitto
Again with the rapping wrapping! Parker is the Jay-Z of cooking with meat.
And in case you haven’t climaxed yet…
The OMG Bars (recipe)
You just humped the screen, didn’t you?
Stay tuned for more #PornByParker and info on her e-book. And follow her on Instagram @parkersplate (if you think you can handle it).
LYLAS,
Ashley