Now I know some of you losers fine folks actually love New Year’s resolutions and some of you loathe them, but let’s all agree they NEVER WORK.

Show me the bastard who sets decent resolutions and keeps them a full year. It has never happened in the history of humans. UNTIL NOW. Maybe.

First and foremost, there is one word that singlehandedly ruins resolutions. If you use it, you will fail. I’ll reveal this word shortly, but first, I will present ten resolutions you can do to improve your life VASTLY. As if that is even a word. Vastly. WTF?

10. Quit something for one month

One of the stupid problems with resolutions is they technically must last for one year. LIKE HELL. Won’t happen. Unless you are a monk. I think monks do things for one year. Huh? So all you have to do is quit something for ONE MONTH.

I suggest smoking, Bagel Bites, Facebook, shopping at Marshall’s, porn, spray tanning, TV on Mondays and Tuesdays, selfies, weed, Waffle House, or talking negative about other people.

I also suggest you do it in February because it has the fewest days (28). I am literally a math genius. Anybody can give up something for one month. It is a good challenge, will give you confidence, and might start a new habit (or break an old one). PS, that 21-days-to-start-a-habit thing is complete bullshit. I made my bed every day for a whole year in 2009 and haven’t made it since.

9. Don’t eat potatoes for two months

I dare you to try and not eat potatoes for two months. If you accomplish this, you will lose weight. The carb thing confuses the piss out of me and we all know about sugar and whatever, but if you simply give up potatoes, you will see results. This eliminates French fries, potato chips (DUH), hash browns, and a harem of other fried potato disasters. Do it, you lard ass. Oh and while you’re at it, give up mayonnaise. It is useless.

8.  Learn something.

“If you aren’t growing, you are dying,” said some self-help guru with amazing hair.

However, it is true (and I don’t have great hair). My suggestion is to sign up for a weekend seminar on ANYTHING over the next 12 months. Just do it. You will learn something (unless you are really dumb) and make new friends, which leads me to number 8…

7. Stop hanging out with douchebags.

The same yahoo self-help hair guy probably said “You are who you hang out with,” or something magical along those lines. Point being, if you hang out with deadbeat meth-heads who wear baggy jeans and have face sores, then you are probably a deadbeat meth-head wearing bagging jeans with face sores.

If you hang out with rich assholes who wear Ralph Lauren socks and drive Porches, then you are probably rich. If you are not where (or who) you want to be in life, find some people who are and hang out with them. It will change your life and your socks.

6. Get a divorce.

 Hey. You know you’re miserable, and it is way more fun not being married than being married to an a-hole you have hated since the second year of marriage. Get a divorce, move to a busy city, and try alcohol. You can thank me later.

5. Send a holiday card to 40 people NOT DURING CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS.

People love getting holiday cards (ish). They get a ton around Christmas and then they run out of space to display them and throw them all away on January 3. You will send yours on a different random holiday. It will blow everyone’s minds or confirm you are mental (probably both). I suggest Cinco de Mayo, Presidents Day, Flag Day, 4^th of July, or just do a Christmas card in August.  Hell, make up a holiday and write “Happy Whatever Holiday from (insert your dumb name here)”. Go to walgreens.com and choose the cheapest fanciest design.

4. Keep dental floss sticks in your car.

 You know those fancy plastic contraptions with the built-in floss? Of course you do. You could use one right now.

Spend the $1.23 for a boatload of them and keep them in arms reach of your drivers seat. You can whip one out whilst driving, which A) Gets all that nasty shit out of your teeth regularly, and B) Gives you something positive to do instead of sexting and driving. It could save your life and prevent gum rot like your meth-head friends.

3. Don’t eat meat one day a week.

Americans eat way too much meat. There is a reason we are the unhealthiest people on Earth, and part of that algebraic formula is because we think we need to eat meat with every meal. Horse shit. I am not saying become a vegan, stop shaving your bush, and never wear leather again; I’m just saying meat will kill you. Don’t believe me? Read the book The China Study. And by read, I mean skim that bitch because it is half a billion pages long.

However, ol’ boy who wrote it PROVES that meat causes cancer. Ever wonder why those freaks in Asia are so damn healthy and never get cancer? They don’t eat MEAT. Plus the meat we eat is a disaster. I dare you to YouTube “Meet your Meat”. You will be a vegetarian for at least two months and/or just throw up on your computer.

2. Eat a banana every day.

The oldest living man in the world claims to be alive and healthy because he eats a banana every day. I’m not suggesting anyone would ever WANT to live to 115. That’s like being 90 years old for 25 years. (MATH GENIUS). Plus, all your relatives and friends would be dead. I’ll pass.

So maybe eat a banana five days a week. They also have a ton of potassium which battles hangovers, so you are going to need that when you get a divorce and start getting drunk every night. What? Also, bananas are helpful if you need to practice oral sex, which you can never be too good at. Here is proof.

1. Write yourself a love letter once a month.

And mail it. The one thing humans lack the most is self-love. If everyone loved and believed in themselves more, the world would be an euphoric den of bliss and joy. Therefore, I suggest you write yourself a love letter once a month.

Then you should mail it to yourself, so you have to physically open it and read it again. If you don’t have enough money for postage, please refer to #8. Keep all the letters in a shoebox and read them every year. You girls will probably want to down a bottle of white zin whilst reading. And cry.

If you are looking for a few more ideas, get a swallow of these honorable mentions:

-Get day drunk once a month because there is no better joy than being inebriated during daylight hours. The bonus is you usually pass out by 10 p.m., which gives you a 64% chance of not being hungover the next day. I suggest Saturdays. I also suggest Vodka.

-Don’t drink Red Bull; that crack is straight poison.

-Cut your stupid toenails once a month, you sick freak.

-Sell something on Ebay. Anything. Just do it.

-Stop doing shots (good luck; it will never happen but you would feel amazing and remember the previous night).

-Never stay out anywhere past 1:30 a.m. Nothing positive will happen, I promise.

-Stop hooking up with your loser ex after 1:30 a.m.

-Quit texting nude pics.

–Do a juice cleanse.

-Buy a new sex toy and use it, either with a partner or alone.

-Give a homeless person a sandwich.

-Hit on a stranger once a week.

Now, I’m sure you’re DYING TO KNOW what the magical word is that ruins all New Year’s resolutions. As I stated before, this single word guarantees failure when used in resolution making. And the word is: MORE. Yeah, more. More is the word. More.

If you say you are going to do “more” of something such as exercise, read, masturbate, or snorkel, you will fail.  This is because you cannot measure more. More. What a stupid word. You need to replace the word MORE with exactly what you are going to do so you can either do it or not do it. For example, “I am going to eat more cheese.”

Change that to: “I am going to eat seven pounds of cheese every Wednesday.” How about, “I’m going to give my douchebag boyfriend more hand jobs.” That should be: “I will give my douchebag boyfriend two hand jobs a week if he does the dishes instead of playing video games.”

That’s right, hand jobs are making a comeback this year.

Have a fantastic 2022, you heathens.

The post New Year’s Resolutions That Aren’t Stupid [2022 List] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

I packed up the ol’ pickup truck and went to Walmart AGAIN to stock up on beauty products. JK, I don’t have a pickup truck, but Jimmy Fallon does, therefore I want one. I digress.

This time at Walmart, I snagged TEN things for under $80, and had to come home, dump them out, and preach the budget beauty gospel.

About the products…

1. Nivea Crème Moisture moisturizing body wash ($4.97):

This superior, ultra creamy body wash is going to keep your skin touchable soft well into 2017 because the bottle is 17 metric tons. Ok actually it’s only 25.4 fl oz, which is also 750 mL, which is also the same size of a bottle of wine. I knew I loved this stuff.

2. Nivea Smooth Sensation body lotion ($5-6):

Follow your creamy cleansing with this and people will literally be trying to skin you to make a silk blouse. What?

3. Eucerin Intensive Repair hand crème ($4.66):

A must-have for fall/winter unless you like to use your bare hands to sand down furniture. At under a 5-spot, you can buy a bunch and keep them everywhere.

4. Neutrogena Visibly Even daily moisturizer ($13.97):

Verdict is in: This is a solid product. It goes on light and truly does even out your skin tone whilst protecting you from the sun’s harmful rays. If you have SUPER dry skin, it may not be enough for the winter, but normal and combo complexions will love it for everyday.

5. L’oreal Youth Code Pore Vanisher ($17.97):

I’ve only used this a few times but I can say that it does make a difference in the appearance of my skin. It smooths everything out and definitely minimizes the look of pores (I mean, with a name like VANISHER it better). It also has a tint so can act as a lightweight BB cream! I don’t wear a ton of makeup, so I put this on with a little under-eye concealer and blush and VOILA: Me and my invisible pores are ready to go.

But first, let me take a #smelfie.

6. Simple Cleansing Facial Wipes ($4.97):

I’m a huge fan of cleansing wipes, as is any gal who likes to party but knows the importance of taking off her face before bed. And Simple is my favorite because it removes all the gunk, but is easy on the skin with zero harsh chemicals, artificial perfumes, or dyes. Seriously, why do other companies perfume these things? No woman ever said she wanted her T-zone to smell like CK One.

7. L’oreal Miss Manga ($6.97):

Look, I’m a believer in splurging on top-notch mascara, but if you’re shopping in the under-$10 range, this is one of your best bets. It gives you dramatic, voluminous lashes with little clumpage (is clumpage a word?). That pink and black tube tho…

8. Revlon Colorstay Gel Envy nail enamel ($4.97):

This. Is. THE WINNER. These polishes go on a little thick, but still smooth. Do two coats of color then the topcoat (no base coat needed). It looks as glossy as gel, and my mani lasted a full two weeks, then came right off with acetone (no tin foil or scraping needed). I’ll admit I was skeptical, but I’m a total believer now.

All of that plus an ink cartridge and mouse traps (don’t ask ) and I still walked out of Walmart at under a hundy.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Every woman has her own unique way of showing her beauty. At Walmart discover the latest products and most trusted brands at everyday low prices, so you can save money and live beautifully.

The post Walmart Beauty Haul: 10 Products for $80 appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

The most genius, addicting, shallow app ever created. Swipe right if you think someone is attractive; swipe left if you don’t. Swipe all over your screen if you’re drunk and starting to lose control over your fingers….then wake up with a bunch of fours in your match queue who you thought were tens the night before.

I think the app is great, and have gone on a few dates from it. I am not going to disclose information on said dates because then I will never get a date again.

But I have to say, I continue to be amazed/appalled at some of the profile pics.

I mean, GUYS! You have ONE attempt to convince a female to talk/hang out/sleep with you and THAT is what you go with? I mean, not everyone can be a Ryan Gosling or David Hasselhoff lookalike, but put some effort into looking like a decent human specimen who’s not going to shove us in your trunk after we meet for “coffee.”

I compiled some of my top offenses that automatically get a swipe left from me (and most of my single girlfriends).

1. Photo with a girl

Guys, STOP! I don’t care if it’s your sister, second cousin, or BFF; your first profile photo should not be with a member of the opposite sex if you are trying to attract someone of the opposite sex. Literally get a brain.

2. Using a meme or celebrity photo

or wearing a mask or whatever in EVERY PICTURE. If you are ashamed of the way you look, maybe you shouldn’t be on an app that is based on the way you look. Or just own it.

3. JUST your body/body part.

Douche.

An Ivy-leaguer who brags about his dick size on a dating app? Doubtful. And no offense bro, but that’s not the belly of someone I’d consider “very fit” who goes to the gym five days a week. It looks like me after a big brunch.

4. If you look like a crackhead, criminal, or murderer.

If you are unsure what these folks look like, Google crackhead, criminal, and murderer.
*via Buzzfeed

5. Your professional head shot.

Newsflash: This is not LinkedIn.

6. A picture with your hands down your pants.

Stop being a perv, you perv.
I can’t…

7. A blurry “I don’t know how to take a photo” photo.

We assume you do not know how to work technology, therefore you will not be able to call us to ask us out or send a decent sext ever, so we’re moving on. Oh, and we can’t tell what you look like either.

8. A bathroom mirror selfie.

There are SO MANY of these and I will never swipe right to them (although I’m sure some girls do?). I mean, at least make sure the toilet isn’t in the shot. And your pants are buttoned (!?).

Even more confusing are mirror selfie PicStitches. Why?

9. A blank (or black) profile.

Ok Tim.

10. Group photos.

The whole point of Tinder is snap (read: FAST) decisions. And now we have to scroll through your photos and try to crack the code of which dude you are?

I mean…

11. Brown/yellow, rotten, or missing teeth.

Maybe a closed-mouth smile would be a smart choice for you. And some Crest WhiteStrips.

The same goes for anything that looks like a cold sore on your mouth. Get some Abreva or find a friend with Photoshop.

12. A photo of you flipping us off.

Add a cigarette just to secure that “NOPE.”

I mean, what?

13. If you look gay

ie. your hands on your hips with one hip cocked to the side or licking a phallic item or another gay pose/situation. We don’t know you therefore we don’t know if you’re joking therefore we assume you’re gay and got Tinder mistaken for Grindr because, again–SNAP DECISIONS. Sorry.

14. If you’re laying on your bed trying to look sexy

…with what you think are “bedroom eyes.” They are not. They are rapey eyes.

15. With a kid……if you don’t have a kid.

Listen, if you have children, you’re proud of them and it’s smart to put it out there so you don’t start talking to a woman who hates kids then you drop the bomb on your awkward first date that you have three toddlers at home. But if your very first picture is of you and a child, you may get swiped left before we even click on your profile where you’re all, “That’s just my niece.” Shut up, dummy. Choose a no-kid pic for your opener.

There are many more (feel free to share your favorites in the comments), so we may be due for a part deux, but these should suffice for now.

And fellas, if you don’t give a shit what I have to say and want to keep using these type of photos, keep on DOING YOU, but I’m simply trying to provide some advice from female land to help get you laid.

And ladies, please swipe responsibly.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Likes pics and snark? Follow on Instagram @AshHess.

The post Guy’s Tinder Profile Pics That Need to Stop [Top 15 for 2022] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

For one, I still remembered my name on Sunday. And I didn’t have to take a Plan B. What?

Presenting the differences between bachelorette parties when you’re in your 20s and in your 30s…

Bedtime
20s: You pass out face down and wake up with mascara and bronzer all over your pillow and algae on your teeth.
30s: You wash your face and brush your teeth before laying your head to rest. Some of us…..even moisturize.

Bride Attire
20s: The bride wears a bunch of shit ranging from penis veils, sashes, garters, feather boas, light-up rings, and tiaras. She looks like a walking Party City. 
30s: The bride wears a designer dress. For the love of Herve Leger, do not attempt to attach any sort of tacky penis paraphernalia to her designer dress.

–
Paying at Dinner
20s: You get separate checks at dinner and/or spend 15 minutes of valuable shot-taking time trying to figure out/split the bill. At least two girls are having internal panic attacks because they’re probably about to overdraw (I would know).
30s: All the girls nonchalantly throw down their credits cards and are like, “Just split it or whatever,” then go back to talking about important stuff like, “What should our hashtag be?”

Hooking Up
20s: 4-5 girls on the bachelorette party will hook up with randoms.
30s: 0-1 girl will hook up with a random.

–
Throwing Up
20s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s hungover.
30s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s pregnant.

Dancing
20s: You dance on any elevated surface you can find: Bars, tables, chairs, speakers, a midget’s shoulders, etc. And twerk.

30s: You keep your feet firmly on the ground and if you get low, your quads are going to be sore in the morning.

Drinks
20s: Whatever any dudes will buy you. And Fireball.
30s: Wine, the restaurant’s overpriced signature cocktails, vodka sodas. And Fireball.

Penis Stuff
20s: ALL PENIS EVERYTHING. Cake, straws, balloons, confetti, ice cubes, lollipops, necklaces, piñatas, centerpieces, lipstick, etc. The most things to seductively lick for a photo to send to your on-again-off-again booty call, the better.

30s: Maybe a few penis straws if anyone feels like picking some up. For like, pregaming and stuff.

Hotel
20s: Whatever is cheapest. Or the Marriott if the one “corporate” friend can use her company discount. And four to five to a room (more if you bring dudes back).
30s: A luxury hotel in Napa Valley because, “This is her special weekend.” And you know someone will be all, “Not to be a snob, but four to a room is like, a little tight.”

Social Media/Texting
20s: 80% of the girls are on their phones 90% of the time and don’t give a fuck. Until they drunkenly lose their phone/drop it in the toilet at the club then cry hysterically.

30s: The girls whip their phones out sporadically and discreetly to Instagram or text their husbands to check in. You’ll hear a lot of, “Sorry, I’m putting my phone away in two seconds!”

Baby Talk
20s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of getting pregnant.
30s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of not getting pregnant.

Pump and Dump
20s: A girl has sex with a random and bolts before he can even get her number.
30s: One mom in the group will have to do this when she gets home because she just had three glasses of Chardonnay.
Lifesavers20s: Hard candies you put on a T-shirt and guys will suck them off during the night and give the bride crumpled $1 bills. 
30s: Advil, a gallon of water before bed, Spanx.

Getting Ready
20s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her “food baby” from lunch.
30s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her real baby from her husband’s sperm.

Lingerie Shower
20s: Every piece of lingerie is lacy, pink, and from Victoria’s Secret. The bride will wear them once. Maybe.

30s: The bride-to-be gets a nice mix of classy-sexy and “sensible” pieces from Cosabella, Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom, Eberjey, etc. and everyone is like, “Ohmygod, you’re totally going to wear that all the time.”

Outfits
20s: Matching or coordinated. “So like, we’re all going to wear black, and the bride is going to wear white! It’s going to be everything.”
30s:

–
Sex Talk
20s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.
30s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.

Thank God some things never change.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Top featured image from sweetteaandskyscrapers.com; penis pops from Pinterest; last photo from thefuntimesguide.com

The post Bachelorette Parties in Your 20s vs. 30s appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

As I announced before my departure, I started the hashtag #HotGuysOfHangout and did my best to capture the hottest male specimens at the fest all weekend.

Let me just say this was the best idea I’ve ever had. Not only did we have the perfect excuse to talk to any hot guy we saw, but they all LOVED it (um, who doesn’t like to be called hot?), and we made so many new friends/soulmates. I think I fell in love about 47 times, only had to break one guy’s heart and only got dumped once.

Overall, a huge success. My partner in crime was my friend (and #HotGirlOfHangout) Kelsey, who you’ll see in a lot of the photos. You can tell the fellas did NOT want to get close and take pictures with her (yeah right).

Presenting….The 22 Hottest Guys You’ll Find at a Music Festival:

1. Hot Guys With Tattoos

So many inked-up gentlemen and I loved every inch of them. I’m talking about their tats, you pervs. I especially liked the dude below with a butterfly tattoo. Tramp stamp on your delt? Why the hell not!

2. Hot Guys Who Could Save Your Life……or Get You Arrested

If you love a man in uniform, these are your dudes. And for a hand job, they could probably get you backstage. (But don’t quote me on that.)

3. Passed Out Hot Guys

You’re probably not going to make out with this particular fella (unless you’re giving him CPR), but he’s fun to mess with.

4. Ex-Reality Show Hot Guys

That’s right, Ace from Real World Paris is part of our group and not only is he hot, but he’s probably the nicest dude on the planet. Leave a comment below if you want his Snapchat info.

5. Hot Guys With Beards

I love facial hair and there was plenty of it to stroke at this fest. Guys love it when strange girls stroke their beards. Or at least they pretend to.

6. Really Giant Hot Guys

It’s great to have a really tall guy as your festival crush, so you can easily spot him at every show. Even with my mad ups (that means jumping skills for you white people), I still was barely as tall as this headband-wearing Sasquatch.

7. Hot Guys Eating

Let it be known the food at Hangout is legit. I had a chicken gyro and footlong corn dog that rivaled any five-star meal I’ve ever eaten. But I was also drunk. Anyway, if you see a guy eating, go up and ask him for a bite of his weiner. It works every time (so I’ve heard).

8. Hot Guys Who Are Love Whales

This fella is a rare gem. He got lost on the way to his shift at Sea World and ended up at a Zedd concert. Don’t be fooled by his sensible fanny pack and Crocs with socks; he knows how to rage.

Oh you want a video of this sexy stud? Fine, fine.

9. Hot Guys With Not-Hot Friends

What…….a buzzkill.

10. Hot Guys From Panama City

These fellas drove over the state line in a rented Escalade and are ready to #YOLO. You can spot PCB guys by their earrings, sneakers, and chin straps. They could also be from New Jersey or Tampa (tough to tell).

11. Hot Guys Who Are Too Young For You

This guy and I hit it off, then I took my vodka goggles off for a second and realized I could have been his mother. Ok, older sister.

He told me he was 24 but liked “older women” (FML). So I let him make out with my chin.

12. Hot Hairy Guys

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m down with body hair.

But then again, I don’t want to see your back fro glistening in the sunlight…

13. Hot Guys Who Will Get You in Trouble

If you see these bros coming, PUT THE DRUGS AWAY.

14. Classy Hot Guys

Spot a guy drinking white zin out of a fine crystal goblet on the beach? Marry him immediately.

15. Hot Guys in Long-Sleeved Shirts on the Beach

Suns out doesn’t always mean guns out. This guy is conservative, but judging by the open buttons, also knows how to let loose. Or he’s just really sunburned.

16. Hot As F*ck Guys

I mean…damn.

17. Hot Guys Who Know Chick Lingo

I can’t.

18. Hot Guys From Your Hometown

Peace up, A-town down, shawty. Still haven’t seen this local guy on Tinder, but I’ll keep swiping.

19. Hot Guys in Banana Hammocks

Everyone, meet my soulmate. Put your lady boners away.

And how about that……nip slip.

20. Hot Guys Who Don’t Want Their Picture Taken

They also may have resting-bitch-face girlfriends. My bad, girl.

21. Hot Guys With Hot Mouths

Nothing I love more than a great mouth on a guy. I spotted this guy’s kisser from a stage away. Sadly, we did not kiss (that I know of).

22. Hot Guys Who Love Selfies

But first….let me take a selfie with this smokin’ dude on a Motorola flip phone (my favorite prop of the weekend). This guy and I fell in love like for a few songs during Trombone Shorty, but we ended things when I got bored talking to him and my beer was empty.

Maybe I’ll send him a “miss you” text (with T9Word, of course).

So there you have it.

And there were even more who didn’t make the cut, but maybe I’ll release them on Instagram from time to time. After the fest, I definitely had #HotGuysOfHangout withdrawal and almost snapped a photo of a good-looking dude in the Cracker Barrel Country Store on the way home. I think I may have a new hobby/addiction…

‘Til next time!

LYLAS,
Ashley

Who do you think is the hottest guy of Hangout? Share in the comments!

The post The 22 Hottest Guys at a Music Festival appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

Attribute it to the fact that I co-hosted a Pure Romance party for four years in a row where I not only got free gifts but also got wasted.

“Limited Ddition” neon yellow dildo butterfly vibrator for $80? Sure why not! My power bill can wait.

These days, the items in my goodie drawer are a little more discreet (even TSA doesn’t know what they are), so the bulk of my colorful pleasure chest has been under the bed collecting dust. Then one day, I had a thought…

Would people buy used sex toys on Craigslist?

I know what you’re thinking: GROSS! Right? Duh.

But admit it; now you’re curious, too. It was time for an INTERNET EXPERIMENT.

Keep in mind, I had no intention of actually meeting up with SOME FREAK WHO WOULD BUY A USED DILDO (!?) no matter how much cash was involved, but I wanted to find out the answer…and fuck with people. My gut told me I probably wouldn’t get much of a response, but then again people are weird/creepy as hell.

So I put up an ad.

(Fun story: That whole setup was sitting on my coffee table when the exterminator came over one day, and he REFERENCED THE BOOK, which obviously meant he saw and took in the whole SEXY scene. I almost chugged his ant killer on the spot.)

ANYWHO. Responses started to roll in. I received TWELVE inquiries in Atlanta. Then I decided to put an ad up in Tampa, too, because we all know the real freaks live in Florida (no offense Florida, but like, we watch the news). I got eight inquiries in Tampa and they’re still coming. Here are some of the real gems (pardon the cropping–I tried to put these together in a readable way).

1. Jesse was buying for his “friend.”

Jesse never got back to me about the phone sex or his “friend.”
.

.

2. Silly Thomas who wanted to “work something out.”

Idiot.
.

.

3. Jay who is cheating on his wife.

Wait, what? This was the first “for my wife” inquiry and I had to ask…

That shut him up.
.

.
4. This girl from the ‘burbs of Tampa trying to trade up. 

“One of MY GUYS.” A strange male delivering vibrators to a horny female?! I thought she’d surely give it up after that. Adriana needs to be a little more cautious on Craigslist. 

She then told me what suburb she lived in, so I dug a little bit…
WHAT FEMALE WOULD TRADE HANDBAGS AND ACCESSORIES FOR USED VIBRATORS? I was either dealing with a really F’d up dude or a really desperate female, so out of fear, I stopped responding. 

5. This perv. 

Obviously that linked to this: 

.
6. And lastly, the grandaddy of them all. From where else but…you guessed it…FLORIDA.

With the exception of poor Adriana and her purses and wallets, everyone inquiring about these USED VIBRATORS was male, mostly under the guise of buying for “his wife.” I was equally entertained and disturbed by this experiment, and I just hope that all you ladies out there don’t accept a sex toy from your significant other unless it’s still in the packaging.

As for what I’m going to do with my ‘collectors items’, I may as well just give them to charity. And by that, I obviously mean Adriana.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post Buying Used Sex Toys On Craigslist? appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

I read the Buzzfeed article “25 Things All Basic White Girls Do in the Fall” and well, I thought it was dumb as f*ck. I mean, did you just copy this from some “shit girls like” list and put “basic and white” in front of it? Some of the items were just THINGS FEMALES DO.

There is nothing wrong with liking/doing girly things because guess what? WE HAVE VAGINAS. We like Pumpkin Spice Lattes because they’re delicious (now, healthy is another story). We buy candles because we want our homes to smell nice (I know, it’s a CRAZY concept).

As for bonfires and wearing flannels? Huh? Since when is that not awesome? And making cookies? What, why can’t you bake without being basic? And don’t black girls make cookies, too?

Here’s how Merriam-Webster defines basic:
Here’s how Urban Dictionary defines it (which comes up BEFORE Merriam-Webster on Google btw):

Also feel free to look up “basic bitch” on Urban Dictionary, but it was a little aggressive for my taste.

So yeah. In our current pop culture world, basic is not a compliment. It means you’re regular, mediocre, nothing special. Calling a female a basic bitch is one of the lowest blows you can dish out these days. I mean, I’d rather you call me a cunt, because what does that really mean anyway? A super bitch? I’ll take it.

If you’re not a basic bitch, then you’re probably a bad bitch (see also: boss bitch). Maybe you’re not the ultimate bad bitch (ie. Rihanna), but you’re closer to Ri-Ri than you are to your co-worker Tiffany with the knockoff Gucci bag who plays “Fancy” on repeat and won’t shut up about her Pinterest wedding boards.

If I had to define it, I think being a basic bitch or a bad bitch is a lifestyle, a state of mind. A bad bitch is confident, driven, interesting, and adventurous. A basic bitch is insecure, one-dimensional, and operates based on what other people think of her.

It’s not about what you wear or what you buy – every girl has her own tastes, and yes I’ll knock a belly ring and Juicy jumpsuit because it’s not 2004, but if you want to buy a damn denim skirt from American Eagle, then buy a damn denim skirt from American Eagle.

That being said, I know 2022 Internet folks love lists, so I did compile some basic vs. bad bitch items. Go ahead and get your read on, girl. What? Sorry, that was basic.

1. Friendship Basic bitches talk about their friends behind their backs, but put inspirational quotes and “LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH GIRL!” bullshit on their friend’s FB timelines so everyone will think they’re loyal and genuine.

Bad bitches build each other up in person and don’t waste time gossiping about people they care about. Because it’s not middle school.

2. Saturdays
If you call a bad bitch on a Saturday and say let’s do something awesome (bike, skydive, music festival, bar crawl, Korean bath house) she’ll be like, “Aight, pick me up a coffee.”

If you call a basic bitch and say let’s do something awesome, she’ll be like, “OMG I totally WOULD, but I have to get my nails done/go to the mall/watch a Real Housewives marathon.”

3. SundaysIf a basic bitch’s dude calls her on a Sunday and says, “I’m starving, let’s eat, picking you up in 10,” she will literally PANIC because it will take at least 75 minutes to shower, put her makeup on, curl (or clip in) her hair, pick out a stupid outfit, etc.

If a bad bitch’s dude calls her and says “Be ready in 10,” she’ll brush her teeth.

4. Costuming When Halloween rolls around, basic bitches either A) Get together with their girlfriends over Riesling to plan the sluttiest group costume they can think of (Dress up as an individual!? Never!) or B) Think of the sluttiest costumes that will out-slut all their other basic friends.

A bad bitch would rather dress up as a giant penis than wear a costume out of a bag labeled “Sexy (Insert Occupation/Animal Here).”

5. Life goals
A bad bitch aspires to have a successful career.

A basic bitch aspires to have a fairytale wedding.

6. Reading material
Bad bitches read books regularly.

Basic bitches read US Weekly religiously.

7. Workouts
Bad bitches lift weights.

Basic bitches are skinny fat.

8. Engagements
Basic bitches post stuff like this:

Bad bitches post stuff like this:

9. Sex

Bad bitches are good in bed because they’re confident and adventurous.

Basic bitches are basic in bed because they’re worried their stomachs might have an extra millimeter of fat because they skipped Pure Barre this week or that their asses are jiggling too much during doggystyle. But sometimes they’re good at blowjobbing.

10. Travel
Bad bitches know the importance of travel and figure out how to make it happen, even if they’re low on dough.

Basic bitches can’t figure out how to travel without checking bags.

11. Instagram
Basic bitches take selfies with the sole purpose of showing off how pretty they think they are. Often in their cars or in bathrooms.
(Basic bitches also love “Keep Calm” everything.)

On the rare occasion a bad bitch takes a selfie, it has a clear purpose (which may or may not be making fun of basic bitches).
(However, bad bitches would never waste money on a shirt like that from Target. Oops.)

12. Insults
If you tell a bad bitch someone called her a bitch, she’ll be like, “So?”

If you tell a basic bitch someone called her a bitch, she’ll post something like this on Facebook:

13. Role modelsBad bitch role models: Sandberg, Fey, Wintour, ‘yonce.

Basic bitch role models: Kim, Khloe, Kendall.

14. Marilyn Monroe
Basic bitches post Marilyn Monroe quotes.

Bad bitches think Marilyn Monroe was kinda’ a basic bitch.

15. Self-awareness
Bad bitches know they’re bad bitches.

Basic bitches have to take a Buzzfeed quiz to figure it out….

…because Buzzfeed just might be the most basic of all.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Follow on Instagram @AshHess for a bunch of #basic #SELFIES and #inspirational #quotes!

The post Differences Between Basic Bitch and Bad Bitch [Tops for 2022] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

In this gluttony of piss-warm info, I will be perplexing you with some advice about online dating.

OH NO, HE SAID ONLINE DATING!!!

Listen, you know you do it and if not, you want to do it, so I am here to help. I have never done it (ish) but I did try to get married on the radio a few years back. That went fairly awful, though I did meet some nice women who played football (and not the lingerie kind). GOOGLE IT. Now, before we get to the best online dating site (Pinterest, OBVI), let’s explore the worst ones out there:

15. Ashleymadison.com

This site is only for married people and there are around 3 billion members. Once you find someone to marry on the next few sites, then want to slit your wrists because you married a douche you met online, AshleyMadison gives you options. They named the site after the two sluttiest most common female names in the U.S.

14.  Beautifulpeople.com

No surprise what’s on this disaster of a site. People who think they are good looking. OH JOY. I would love to hear the conversations on these dates. I am sure the combined average IQ of everyone on the site is kale salad plus Velcro.

13.  Furrymate.com

Does the thought of dating Winnie the Pooh turn you on? Do you want to wear 60 pounds of faux fur and a helmet with a donkey face during missionary intercourse? Of course you do. Added benefits include losing 30 pounds nightly and a lifetime supply of Febreze.

12.  Facebook.com

No idea. Someone recommended it.

11. Veggiedate.org

Probably no fatties here. Or cool people. Is there anything sexier than a hippie eating tofu and yard grass? I think not. Take dental floss.

10.  Whatsyourprice.com

A neat little site where men can offer cash for gals to date them. I am thinking fat dudes with family money plus money-sucking whores, but I could be wrong. I think there is a similar business out near Las Vegas, Nevada called prostitution.

9.  Clowndating.com

Ever been to an Applebee’s on a blind date dressed as a full-on clown? I have. It doesn’t work.  However, if you have severe acne and huge feet, this might be your ticket. I suggest taking balloons. All clowns should have balloons at all times. I have no idea why.

8.  Diapermates.com

For those of you who think it’s NOT normal for 200-pound infants to have sex whilst wearing diapers, get real. Just think how much time you can dedicate getting to know each other by never having to go to a physical bathroom. I guarantee Ashley makes me join this site for research and development. I just blogged in my pants.

7.  Womenbehindbars.com

Fellas and lesbians, dig in. Don’t let a little criminal history and few misspelled face tattoos stop you from finding love and then being murdered nine days later. It is like having a ferret. You can love them but they stay in a cage. Perfect relationship. (NEWSFLASH: None of these ladies look like the hot chick from Orange is the New Black.)

6.  Purrsonals.com

Is your favorite perfume ammonia? Do you have absolutely zero social skills? Dig into this litter box of love for a true treat. I once dated a girl who had a cat. She dumped me.

5.  Singleswithfoodallergies.com

I literally have no comments for this site. Except maybe a sneeze.

4. Seacaptaindate.com

Oh hell yes! I have no idea if dating a sea captain is cool, but I DO know that dressing like a sea captain is fun as balls. Time to buy a dingy and find my perfect mate. See what I did there? Mate? Like, on a ship or relationship partner? Oh.

And you can find dudes like our friend below who is also a Mayor. Find him on Twitter if you want to bone go on a cruise.

3. STDmatch.net

After visiting this site I am feeling a little itchy. Think my computer got a virus herpes as well.

2.  Mulletpassions.com

I didn’t know there were so many people passionate about small fish with two separate dorsal fins. Kinky freaks.

1. Farmersonly.com

f you do anything in life, please watch the commercial for this site. I had no idea farmers had computers. I am sure dirty fingernails don’t spread infections at all. See what I did there? Never mind.

Well, if those humdingers don’t land you a soulmate then I guess you are just screwed. Well, not literally.

Your best bet is the Tinder app or roofies. I once asked my friend Pat what is the deal with relationships, and she told me something I will never forget. She said “Love is a battlefield”. God bless you, Pat.

Good luck, sweet lovers.

www.SingleForeverBecauseImALoser.com,
Tom

The post A Breakdown of the 15 Worst Dating Sites on the Internet appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

However, in 2022 in a world filled with bare human asses breaking the Internet, apparently this is an issue for some people. So praise Jesus for the TWINKLE TUSH, a feline ass-cessory that turns a kitty’s butthole into bling.

Now I know what you’re thinking — “Ew what happens when my sweet little Fluffy takes a shit, do I have to fish this jewel out of the litter box and clean it off?”

Yes.

Omg I was just kidding, you guys are gross. The TWINKLE TUSH hangs from the tail. But real quick, take a moment and think about what happens when you do anything to (read: lightly touch) a cat’s tail. Exactly, they claw your face off. So this is a genius idea.

But I can see this becoming a status symbol in the elitist cat community. Before you know it, people will be looking at unbedazzled cats like I look at Droid users.

And I know what you dog owners are thinking, “Ohmygod cat people are so weird; dog people would never come up with weird shit like this.”

Think again. Rear Gear butt covers for pups have been selling out on Etsy since ’09.

Naturally their tagline is “No more Mr. Brown Eye.”

Now if only we could figure out a way to cover up those self-proclaimed “fitness models” on Instagram….

Nevermind, I got it.

Bottoms up!

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post Cover Your Pet’s Butthole with Jewels![FINALLY] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

You have changed the world for so much better and so much worse.

You give us laughs, you give us tears. You bring awareness to people in need but turn murderers into celebrities. You give us brilliant pieces of literature but also comment sections that make us lose all faith in humanity.

You keep food wine on my table and keep me #TooBlessedToBeStressed, but also give me the urge to delete all my social media accounts and move to a remote island where no one has heard of hashtags or the Kardashians.

But I just can’t quit you, Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat/TikTok.

However, I do wish some people would quit you.

Here are 10 people that need to #DoLess on social media. So. Much. Less.

10. The Self-Important Friend Cleanser

“I just cleaned up my friend list so if you’re seeing this, you should feel lucky you made the cut!”

OMG THANK YOU! I don’t know how I could live without seeing your status updates about your first world problems EVERY DAMN DAY.

Newsflash: NO ONE CARES. Friend cleanse all you want, but refrain from reminding people they’re lucky to be Internet pals with you. You’re not that important, I promise.

9. The “Stop Using Slang” PSA Person

“OMG, if you say the word bae, please unfriend me.” “WTF is ‘fleek’ and how do we stop it!?”

Or this HILARIOUSLY clever meme.

Can you please explain to me why are you so offended by a simple, non-derogatory word someone has chosen to use? I mean, “LOL” was over five years ago but I’m not posting an aggressive Facebook PSA about it (no offense, Mom). You’re probably the same out-of-touch person who maniacally posted “OMFG stop using hashtags, people!! They are SOOOO annoying and serve no purpose!” two years ago.

Now that’s funny, LOL. And lastly, not sure if you know how languages work, but many words that are in the dictionary and widely used every day (even by you!) began as slang–dude, babe, chilling, hang out, crush, AWESOME, etc. etc. etc. So stop crucifying people for using words you don’t understand and focus on something more important……like crucifying people for grammar.

Which brings me to….

8. The Uneducated Commenter

“Your wrong if u think we need gun control in this country!!!” “Kim Davis was justified in depriving people of they’re marriage licenses!!!”

Sigh.

It always seems to be the homophobes, racists, gun enthusiasts, raging redneck Republicans who don’t know the difference between their and they’re, your and you’re, and their heads from their assholes. If you’re going to spew a bunch of bigoted bullshit, at least use spellcheck. Actually no, keep doing what you’re doing; I love calling your dumb asses out.

7. The Detached-from-Reality Person and/or Black Soul

You share every single mundane detail of your day and every single result of every single Buzzfeed quiz you take, but have never expressed an emotion over a national/international tragedy.

Ok fine, you want to keep your personal social media shallow light and non-controversial, but two reporters were shot in cold blood doing their jobs and your follow-up tweet was about your #OOTD. A bunch of children got shot at their school and you wasted no time posting the latest literary masterpiece you found:

Are you just that disconnected from the world or you literally don’t care about anything of importance? Either way, you’re the worst.

6. The Cyber Bully/Celebrity Troller

Trolls, emerge from your computer cave and listen for a second. The fact that you take time out of your day to let the Kardashian/Jenner sister of your choice know how ugly/fat/fake you think she is ON HER PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT is beyond pathetic and you are a waste of space on this Earth.

Stop being a jealous hater, understand these are real people you’re cyber bullying (but also, they don’t give a fuck what you think and will probably never read it), and get a hobby.

(That’s on a Kim K pic btw.)

Also, celebrity superfans are harmless for the most part, but please don’t be that person who comments “first” on Beyonce’s Instagram. And half the time, your “first” is the 6th comment down because someone beat you to it before your 3G phone could complete the post and that’s just embarrassing.

5. The Joke Thief

You see something funny on one of your social outlets and think “I want to repost that!” And hey, that’s great! Way to make the world a happier place!

But did you ever think someone spent time coming up with that meme/joke and it would be nice to credit them? Oh, you DID think of that but you just don’t give a shit and/or want to make it seem like you came up with it yourself?

Ok well go join the Fat Jewish’s degenerate intern army who work in the back on a nail salon or hang out with Fuck Jerry and his cunty wife Beige Cardigan and continue being terrible.

On the other hand, if the thought of giving credit where it’s due just never crossed your mind, maybe you should consider this concept, and also thank your parents for their expert job in raising you to be a decent human.

4. The Stripper Masked as a Fitness Model

Oh you’re a fitness model? You’re an “inspiration”? I’m sorry but nothing about your blatant protein powder advertisement or straight-up pic of your butthole is making me want to go to the gym. Bye.

3. The Clickbait Sharer

If you ever get the urge to hit that share button on any article ending with “and you’ll never believe what happens next!”, please abort mission and go back to stalking your ex.

There’s a word for this and it’s “clickbait.”

This means that you were baited into clicking on it by the Internet demons. That means you’re a little bit dumb. Do you want people to think you’re dumb? I didn’t think so. However, if that is your goal, please refer to #8, but stop clogging our newsfeed with “A koala spooned a Corgi puppy in a hammock and you’ll never believe what happens next!!” (Shit I would totally click on that, though.)

2. The Angry Unfollower

I run two popular Instagrams (@BrosBeingBasic and @FashionDads), so I see this a lot. Casual #Humblebrag #nbd.

You are either offended by something (because you’re literally offended by everything all the time) or the post wasn’t funny/sexy/inspirational/mass appealing/low-brow enough for your narrow mind, so you take the time to comment “I’m unfollowing!” on said account.

Hey, NO ONE CARES.

I don’t give a shit if you unfollow me and neither does anyone else in this world who runs a popular Instagram account, celebs included. Just go.

1. The Suicide Selfie-er

Dying for a selfie? Yes friends, this just keeps happening. Gun selfies, bridge selfies, bear selfies, hanging-off-a-cliff selfies–people just keep risking (AND LOSING) their lives for that perfect pic to hashtag #Thankful, #LikeABoss, or #LivingTheDream on social media.

And of course, it’s always sad when innocent people die, but my sympathy levels are on the lower end for these extreme narcissists/idiots.

Bottom line, no matter what you choose to do or not do on social media, please always remember to selfie responsibly.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post 10 People On Social Media You Don’t Want To Be [in 2022] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.