For one, I still remembered my name on Sunday. And I didn’t have to take a Plan B. What?

Presenting the differences between bachelorette parties when you’re in your 20s and in your 30s…

Bedtime
20s: You pass out face down and wake up with mascara and bronzer all over your pillow and algae on your teeth.
30s: You wash your face and brush your teeth before laying your head to rest. Some of us…..even moisturize.

Bride Attire
20s: The bride wears a bunch of shit ranging from penis veils, sashes, garters, feather boas, light-up rings, and tiaras. She looks like a walking Party City. 
30s: The bride wears a designer dress. For the love of Herve Leger, do not attempt to attach any sort of tacky penis paraphernalia to her designer dress.

–
Paying at Dinner
20s: You get separate checks at dinner and/or spend 15 minutes of valuable shot-taking time trying to figure out/split the bill. At least two girls are having internal panic attacks because they’re probably about to overdraw (I would know).
30s: All the girls nonchalantly throw down their credits cards and are like, “Just split it or whatever,” then go back to talking about important stuff like, “What should our hashtag be?”

Hooking Up
20s: 4-5 girls on the bachelorette party will hook up with randoms.
30s: 0-1 girl will hook up with a random.

–
Throwing Up
20s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s hungover.
30s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s pregnant.

Dancing
20s: You dance on any elevated surface you can find: Bars, tables, chairs, speakers, a midget’s shoulders, etc. And twerk.

30s: You keep your feet firmly on the ground and if you get low, your quads are going to be sore in the morning.

Drinks
20s: Whatever any dudes will buy you. And Fireball.
30s: Wine, the restaurant’s overpriced signature cocktails, vodka sodas. And Fireball.

Penis Stuff
20s: ALL PENIS EVERYTHING. Cake, straws, balloons, confetti, ice cubes, lollipops, necklaces, piñatas, centerpieces, lipstick, etc. The most things to seductively lick for a photo to send to your on-again-off-again booty call, the better.

30s: Maybe a few penis straws if anyone feels like picking some up. For like, pregaming and stuff.

Hotel
20s: Whatever is cheapest. Or the Marriott if the one “corporate” friend can use her company discount. And four to five to a room (more if you bring dudes back).
30s: A luxury hotel in Napa Valley because, “This is her special weekend.” And you know someone will be all, “Not to be a snob, but four to a room is like, a little tight.”

Social Media/Texting
20s: 80% of the girls are on their phones 90% of the time and don’t give a fuck. Until they drunkenly lose their phone/drop it in the toilet at the club then cry hysterically.

30s: The girls whip their phones out sporadically and discreetly to Instagram or text their husbands to check in. You’ll hear a lot of, “Sorry, I’m putting my phone away in two seconds!”

Baby Talk
20s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of getting pregnant.
30s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of not getting pregnant.

Pump and Dump
20s: A girl has sex with a random and bolts before he can even get her number.
30s: One mom in the group will have to do this when she gets home because she just had three glasses of Chardonnay.
Lifesavers20s: Hard candies you put on a T-shirt and guys will suck them off during the night and give the bride crumpled $1 bills. 
30s: Advil, a gallon of water before bed, Spanx.

Getting Ready
20s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her “food baby” from lunch.
30s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her real baby from her husband’s sperm.

Lingerie Shower
20s: Every piece of lingerie is lacy, pink, and from Victoria’s Secret. The bride will wear them once. Maybe.

30s: The bride-to-be gets a nice mix of classy-sexy and “sensible” pieces from Cosabella, Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom, Eberjey, etc. and everyone is like, “Ohmygod, you’re totally going to wear that all the time.”

Outfits
20s: Matching or coordinated. “So like, we’re all going to wear black, and the bride is going to wear white! It’s going to be everything.”
30s:

–
Sex Talk
20s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.
30s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.

Thank God some things never change.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Top featured image from sweetteaandskyscrapers.com; penis pops from Pinterest; last photo from thefuntimesguide.com

The post Bachelorette Parties in Your 20s vs. 30s appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

If you’re completely baffled (and terrified), check out the full story here, but yes, that is Madge rocking full gold grill, which seems to accentuate her evil eyes.

While I love her old music (duh), I’m not a huge fan of the Material Girl as a person (the gays hate me for that one), but this photo seems to prove that she in, in fact, the lovechild of Satan…and Flava Flav.

Life is a mystery.

The post Maybe the Scariest Photo of All Time appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

Attribute it to the fact that I co-hosted a Pure Romance party for four years in a row where I not only got free gifts but also got wasted.

“Limited Ddition” neon yellow dildo butterfly vibrator for $80? Sure why not! My power bill can wait.

These days, the items in my goodie drawer are a little more discreet (even TSA doesn’t know what they are), so the bulk of my colorful pleasure chest has been under the bed collecting dust. Then one day, I had a thought…

Would people buy used sex toys on Craigslist?

I know what you’re thinking: GROSS! Right? Duh.

But admit it; now you’re curious, too. It was time for an INTERNET EXPERIMENT.

Keep in mind, I had no intention of actually meeting up with SOME FREAK WHO WOULD BUY A USED DILDO (!?) no matter how much cash was involved, but I wanted to find out the answer…and fuck with people. My gut told me I probably wouldn’t get much of a response, but then again people are weird/creepy as hell.

So I put up an ad.

(Fun story: That whole setup was sitting on my coffee table when the exterminator came over one day, and he REFERENCED THE BOOK, which obviously meant he saw and took in the whole SEXY scene. I almost chugged his ant killer on the spot.)

ANYWHO. Responses started to roll in. I received TWELVE inquiries in Atlanta. Then I decided to put an ad up in Tampa, too, because we all know the real freaks live in Florida (no offense Florida, but like, we watch the news). I got eight inquiries in Tampa and they’re still coming. Here are some of the real gems (pardon the cropping–I tried to put these together in a readable way).

1. Jesse was buying for his “friend.”

Jesse never got back to me about the phone sex or his “friend.”
.

.

2. Silly Thomas who wanted to “work something out.”

Idiot.
.

.

3. Jay who is cheating on his wife.

Wait, what? This was the first “for my wife” inquiry and I had to ask…

That shut him up.
.

.
4. This girl from the ‘burbs of Tampa trying to trade up. 

“One of MY GUYS.” A strange male delivering vibrators to a horny female?! I thought she’d surely give it up after that. Adriana needs to be a little more cautious on Craigslist. 

She then told me what suburb she lived in, so I dug a little bit…
WHAT FEMALE WOULD TRADE HANDBAGS AND ACCESSORIES FOR USED VIBRATORS? I was either dealing with a really F’d up dude or a really desperate female, so out of fear, I stopped responding. 

5. This perv. 

Obviously that linked to this: 

.
6. And lastly, the grandaddy of them all. From where else but…you guessed it…FLORIDA.

With the exception of poor Adriana and her purses and wallets, everyone inquiring about these USED VIBRATORS was male, mostly under the guise of buying for “his wife.” I was equally entertained and disturbed by this experiment, and I just hope that all you ladies out there don’t accept a sex toy from your significant other unless it’s still in the packaging.

As for what I’m going to do with my ‘collectors items’, I may as well just give them to charity. And by that, I obviously mean Adriana.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post Buying Used Sex Toys On Craigslist? appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

However, in 2022 in a world filled with bare human asses breaking the Internet, apparently this is an issue for some people. So praise Jesus for the TWINKLE TUSH, a feline ass-cessory that turns a kitty’s butthole into bling.

Now I know what you’re thinking — “Ew what happens when my sweet little Fluffy takes a shit, do I have to fish this jewel out of the litter box and clean it off?”

Yes.

Omg I was just kidding, you guys are gross. The TWINKLE TUSH hangs from the tail. But real quick, take a moment and think about what happens when you do anything to (read: lightly touch) a cat’s tail. Exactly, they claw your face off. So this is a genius idea.

But I can see this becoming a status symbol in the elitist cat community. Before you know it, people will be looking at unbedazzled cats like I look at Droid users.

And I know what you dog owners are thinking, “Ohmygod cat people are so weird; dog people would never come up with weird shit like this.”

Think again. Rear Gear butt covers for pups have been selling out on Etsy since ’09.

Naturally their tagline is “No more Mr. Brown Eye.”

Now if only we could figure out a way to cover up those self-proclaimed “fitness models” on Instagram….

Nevermind, I got it.

Bottoms up!

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post Cover Your Pet’s Butthole with Jewels![FINALLY] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

I moved to New York City one month ago, into an awesome apartment in the East Village that I’ve since found out is basically an abandoned building composed of lead dust and angry rent-controlled tenants, but that’s neither here nor there.

I’ve learned a lot and would like to spread my wealth pocket change of knowledge, in case anyone has just moved here, is considering moving here, or just wants a good old-fashioned laugh at my expense.

You’re welcome!

1. Every time something bad happens, someone who has lived here longer than you will say “Welcome to New York!”
When I first moved here, I would tell/text my New York friends about all the ridiculous/weird/challenging things happening to me on a daily basis and the response was always the same: “Welcome to New York!” with a wink and/or sinister laugh. “My apartment is a sauna and I can’t turn down the heat.” Welcome to New York! “I have blown through my entire savings account in four days.” Welcome to New York! “I just saw someone take a shit in the street.” WELCOME TO NEW YORK! Those are the lyrics to that Taylor Swift song, right?

2. Always bring a phone charger.
Your phone is going to die. Always. It will die because it’s hot and it will die because it’s cold and it will die because someone sent you a dick pic and it will die because New York City drains everything it touches. If it’s at 70%, it will die. If it’s at 99%, it will die. If it’s at 4000%, it will die. And no one will care. Bring a charger.

3. It will always take you longer to get somewhere than you expected.
The dumbest thought that goes through my head on a daily basis (and there are a lot) is “It will just take 20 minutes to get there.” I never claimed to be a super punctual person in Atlanta, but I sure as shit wasn’t rushing into dark yoga classes and knocking over people’s water bottles like a goddamn linebacker and frantically hailing cabs to get to meetings on time. I hope I get a handle on this life skill sooner than later (and I apologize to everyone at Y7 Yoga for up your warmup chakra yesterday).

4. You will bleed money.
Actually, that’s not a strong enough metaphor. You will HEMORRHAGE money. Ok no, what’s even worse than that? If you could get waterboarded then die a slow torturous death from spending money, that is what would happen.

5. Everyone claims to be broke but everyone also has a $900 Canada Goose coat.

6. FOMO is on a whole new level.
I thought I outgrew FOMO at 31. I would be at home Netflixing in sweatpants and see people out partying, and feel completely content. NOT IN NEW YORK. Every moment I spend on the couch, I’m thinking of all the awesome stuff happening around the city I’m missing out on, wishing I got invited to all the cool events like I did in Atlanta, and essentially just feeling like a huge loser. (Don’t feel sorry for me though; I just got HBO.)

7. There’s always a catch.
If you find an amazing apartment in an awesome neighborhood within (or under) your budget, didn’t blow anybody for it, and think it’s too good to be true………..OH SISTER, IT IS. Just trust me on this one.

8. Sending your laundry out will change your life.
I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was 13 because my mom had an unparalleled penchant for shrinking my jeans which were already too short because I was so tall and the term “high-waters” still haunts me to this day. But I digress. I am very particular about my clothes, so when I moved into an apartment without a washer/dryer, I was slightly panicked on what to do (and reading Yelp horror stories about the local wash-and-fold joints didn’t help). I discovered an app called Folded and they picked up my clothes at 6pm, dropped them off at 9am the next day, put all my hang dry items on individual hangers, and gave me a free (and cute!) laundry bag. I highly recommend it. The awkwardness of knowing the delivery guy may have just seen all your period underwear is an added bonus!
*PS, here’s my $15 discount code if you’re interested and not offended by this shameless plug: Ashley2050

9. 14th St. and 14th St/Union Square are two different Subway stops.
This is a super fun thing to learn when you’re in a rush LOLZ!

10. NEVER GO TO TRADER JOE’S. Trader Joe’s in Atlanta was my jam — quality food at great prices and the employees’ Hawaiian shirts were always a little tropical treat to brighten my shopping trip. Trader Joe’s in Union Square is an absolute clusterfuck. I walked in at 2pm on a Wednesday, was elated to pick up a 6-pack of English muffins for $1.99 (!!!!), then realized the line was wrapped around the entire store to the point where employees were standing with “Line Ends Here” signs like they were herding a damn marathon corral. I abandoned the English muffins, hoofed it to Westside Market where I purchased ONE SCONE for $1.99, and never looked back.
11. Dogs are nice and you can pet them.
When I was apartment searching in January, I posted prayed on Facebook “Lord, please give me the strength to not pet every dog in NYC.” And everyone was like “LOL NOT IN NEW YORK SWEETIE, THE OWNERS WON’T LET YOU!” And to all those naysayers who tried to crush my dreams: You were wrong and are also dead to me now. Maybe it’s just in the East Village dog mecca, but I usually meet/pet at least three friendly dogs (and their friendly owners) every day while I’m out walking Dewey. My biggest regret so far is not taking a picture of the adorable Corgi in a wheelchair I saw last week. Because SPOILER ALERT: MY PHONE WAS DEAD.

In conclusion, I love my new home. No one knows or care who I am, I’m on the verge of a ‘70s bush because I don’t have a bikini waxer here yet, and I still do something really idiotic once (ok, two to four times) a day, but I know this is where I’m supposed to be. This city might chew me up and spit me out but it will be so worth it in the end (I think).

WELCOME TO NEW YORK!

The post Things I’ve Learned About Living in NYC: Month 1 appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

It’s time for me to share the things I’ve done recently and hope you’ve done something(s) similar so we can all feel completely satisfied with our lives. Presenting, the third installment of:

It’s totally acceptable if…

1. You walk into an athleticwear store and straight up ask the salesgirl, “Which pants won’t give me camel toe?”

2. You’re legitimately devastated when you go to a wedding and there is not one person you would hook up with, even after 17 vodka sodas.

3. You think Christina Aguilera is a totally lame, obnoxious man-hater and wish The Voice would replace her with a hot mess like Paula Abdul or a badass like Pink.

4. You cruise Whole Foods for cheese samples only to find a bunch of empty dishes, and get doubly pissed at 1) the greedy a-holes who scarfed everything down before you got there and 2) the employees for not replenishing that shiz.

5. You shut down a dude who booty texts you on a WEDNESDAY.

And then shut him down again.

(Dewey is my dog).

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Do something to make your mom (or your probation officer) proud.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post 5 Things That Are Totally Acceptable appeared first on Witty + Pretty.