One particular sentence — “Apparently there is a whole country full of young women who don’t know how to call a cab” — particularly enraged me for its flippant generalization of women not knowing how to say no or remove themselves from dangerous situations.

That mentality is so problematic because it places all the responsibility on the female and doesn’t account for how dangerous men can be.

There are masses of men roaming our streets who turn into complete monsters when rejected (even politely!), and even an assertive female like myself can feel fearful of a man in an intimate situation, so I can only imagine the paralysis of fear a more passive woman would experience.

Not to mention all the other psychological factors of how women have been taught to act in sexual situations, but I’m not going to delve into that now. So originally I was all, FUCK YOU! to anyone blaming this girl and saying what she should have done like it’s so goddamn easy.

And then I read the full article. And I was like, Oh…wow…ok. This is a messy one.

First of all, I will say this: I do not think the story Grace shared qualifies as “sexual assault” and I completely understand how women who have been raped/assaulted/Weinstein’d-in-the-workplace felt insulted by it, and they are justified in that.

I don’t necessarily agree with Grace’s decision to do this exposé, and on top of that, I think Babe.com’s reporting and lumping it into the #MeToo movement was also irresponsible and a missed opportunity for a different, important conversation (and I encourage you to read this great Guardian piece about that if you’re interested).

But regardless, I’m glad for the conversation it has sparked around consensual sex and the discussion of the “gray area.”

I think what happened here is totally commonplace, but by no means does that make it ok. We have a starstruck, naive 22-year-old going out with a 33-year-old celebrity, and that ALONE should tell you who has more responsibility in this scenario. My take is that she went into this date with totally unrealistic expectations (again, naivety) and lacking the tools needed (like confidence and self-worth) to tell herself she didn’t deserve what was happening and to get out.

It’s really easy for confident 30+ women to look down on this 20-something and shake their head condescendingly at her actions, but I think we do need to examine not only the age structure in this situation, but power structure as well. And we should never judge someone’s actions until we truly try to put ourselves in their shoes.

Grace had many opportunities to get out of the situation with Aziz, and without harm. From her account, he was acting like a total creep and sexual predator, but not dangerously.

Her exit may have been awkward, but she would have left unscathed. It’s sad to think she felt uncomfortable but stayed because she was hoping for more (romance, a relationship, who knows), that was clearly not on his radar at all. I can confidently say I would never find myself in a similar situation at this point in my life — the second I felt uncomfortable, I’d be out of there.

I’d like to think I would have acted the same way at 22, but I’ve never been in that situation with a celebrity who was 10 years my senior in his stunning Manhattan apartment….when just hours before I was picking out the perfect outfit he’d fall head over heels for me in.

This wasn’t just a stranger from the bar. In fact, quite the opposite — this was one of America’s sweetheart comedians.

And that’s where I find so much fault with Aziz’s actions. He was a 33 (or 34) year-old man at the time. He’s famous. He’s not aloof.

He has built an entire brand on love and relationships, so I don’t want to hear how his only fault is that he “couldn’t read her mind” (thanks NY Times!) — he’s literally THE GUY who should be able to assess an intimate situation. I find myself cringing at some of the details of that night from Grace’s end (ahem, blowjob), but find myself angrier at this famous man who seems to have manipulated a weaker partner in the name of getting laid.

It’s safe to say he’s probably not the gentlemanly “woke bae” you once thought he was. I know people have a hard time accepting someone they thought to be a hero turning out to be a creep, but hey, time to get used to it, right?

So, let’s talk about the problem at hand. First of all, men need to get their shit together when it comes to sex. Honestly, you shouldn’t even be trying to pull out your porn moves with someone on the first date unless she has explicitly asked for it.

I’m so sick of the male coddling and excusing — if you’re truly one of these “clueless” dudes who can’t tell whether or not you’re forcing something on a woman against her will, then you need to be EXTRA verbal in the bedroom/on the marble countertop (“Is this ok?”, “Should we move slower?”, “Are you comfortable?”, NEED I GO ON?!). I could give tips and tricks for not sexually assaulting women all day long, but I think we all know this boils down to entitlement, and that’s a bigger conversation the #MeToo movement has sparked and I hope every single father out there with a young son realizes he is responsible for addressing.

As for the ladies, I’m tiptoeing around this one because I don’t want to victim blame, but females need to stop accepting unacceptable behavior. Period.

What happened between Grace and Aziz is a classic case of a girl wanting love and affection and a guy just wanting sex, and females need to be aware that (unfortunately) those situations are going to happen to them, and they need to know how and when to exit because they don’t deserve it.

Parents need to instill these values in their girls, and stronger, more assertive girls need to build up their more passive friends. It’s a sad moment when you go out with a guy you were hoping to date, and realize they just want to fuck you, but we have literally ALL BEEN THERE, and we need to realize our own self-worth in those moments and decide what we want, what we don’t want, and speak up.

And just so we’re clear — I don’t think all men are dangerous/creepy/rapey, not even by a long shot. I have been so lucky to have had dates and relationships with guys who showed me the utmost respect and never once made me feel threatened.

So thanks to those guys — maybe they should go teach Consent Seminars in Hollywood.

The post About This Whole Aziz Thing… appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

And by things, I obviously mean tweets.

Thanks to the POLAR VORTEX, the Twitterverse is exploding with all kinds of commentary from chilly folks.

Let’s meet them.

1. The Survivalist
This fella is either a former Navy Seal or saw a movie about Navy Seals, and therefore is about to attempt a survival move so he doesn’t get hand hypothermia. Let’s hope there are no children around.

2. The Criminal

Honestly, I would probably hand over my wallet and my Plan B if threatened with a bucket of water in 10 degree temps. And if this dude gets caught, he can be like, “Officer, I was totally joking, but they just handed me their wallet and ran away.” He is a genius.

3. The Man Whore

This lady killer wants you to know that HE GETS AROUND, so therefore is missing comfy loungewear because us greedy bitches love to steal that shit (SO SUE US). I’m literally wearing an ex’s sweatshirt as I type. Sorry, Tim.

4. The YOLOer

You only live once so you may as well key a car with a rock hard nipple. What?

5. The Exaggerator
Hey Devin. Have you ever been banged in the head with a bat? Because I promise you it LITERALLY hurts worse than THE WEATHER. I ain’t lie.

6. The Dexter 

I mean, she’s right. Ladies, if you stole someone’s boyfriend recently or tagged a double chin pic of your friend on Facebook, WATCH YOUR BACK.

7. The Freakshow

What the fuck is happening here and what the fuck is a boli? If it’s a new drug the kids are using, I don’t even want to know.

8. The Comedian

Every once in a while, someone posts an LOLer like this.

9. The Bitter Married Person
First of all, what? Second of all, get a divorce. Third of all, it’s “you’re.”

10. The California Prick 
Typical #SoCal douche. F you, Don Watkins. And your Old Navy sweater.

11. The Guy Who Has No Idea What He’s Talking About
Nick, get a clue…and a non-selfie pic. It’s the first week of January. Us girls can’t even fit into our jeans yet from the holidays. If need be, we’ll wear yoga pants or leggings with ski pants over them.

12. The Too Cool for Cold 

Hey guess what, you tweeters who think you’re soooo hilarious? Your sarcastic posts about people posting thermometer pics have officially gotten more tired than people actually posting thermometer pics. Congrats.

13. The Racist
Listen, black people. I know you think white people are crazy, but wearing shorts in this weather? Come on now. That’s like saying we all listen to Michael Bolton and wear New Balances.

14. The Democrat
Wonder if he’s tried to get Obamacare yet.

And last but CERTAINLY not least…

15. The Idiots

God bless America.

Yes, it’s been brutal (both the cold and the tweets), but warmer temps are on the way (#YOLO, BITCHES!) If you need breaking weather updates, just check Twitter.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Tweet me your weather tweets so I can make fun of them @AshHess.

The post The 15 Best and Worst Tweets About the Weather appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

The most genius, addicting, shallow app ever created. Swipe right if you think someone is attractive; swipe left if you don’t. Swipe all over your screen if you’re drunk and starting to lose control over your fingers….then wake up with a bunch of fours in your match queue who you thought were tens the night before.

I think the app is great, and have gone on a few dates from it. I am not going to disclose information on said dates because then I will never get a date again.

But I have to say, I continue to be amazed/appalled at some of the profile pics.

I mean, GUYS! You have ONE attempt to convince a female to talk/hang out/sleep with you and THAT is what you go with? I mean, not everyone can be a Ryan Gosling or David Hasselhoff lookalike, but put some effort into looking like a decent human specimen who’s not going to shove us in your trunk after we meet for “coffee.”

I compiled some of my top offenses that automatically get a swipe left from me (and most of my single girlfriends).

1. Photo with a girl

Guys, STOP! I don’t care if it’s your sister, second cousin, or BFF; your first profile photo should not be with a member of the opposite sex if you are trying to attract someone of the opposite sex. Literally get a brain.

2. Using a meme or celebrity photo

or wearing a mask or whatever in EVERY PICTURE. If you are ashamed of the way you look, maybe you shouldn’t be on an app that is based on the way you look. Or just own it.

3. JUST your body/body part.

Douche.

An Ivy-leaguer who brags about his dick size on a dating app? Doubtful. And no offense bro, but that’s not the belly of someone I’d consider “very fit” who goes to the gym five days a week. It looks like me after a big brunch.

4. If you look like a crackhead, criminal, or murderer.

If you are unsure what these folks look like, Google crackhead, criminal, and murderer.
*via Buzzfeed

5. Your professional head shot.

Newsflash: This is not LinkedIn.

6. A picture with your hands down your pants.

Stop being a perv, you perv.
I can’t…

7. A blurry “I don’t know how to take a photo” photo.

We assume you do not know how to work technology, therefore you will not be able to call us to ask us out or send a decent sext ever, so we’re moving on. Oh, and we can’t tell what you look like either.

8. A bathroom mirror selfie.

There are SO MANY of these and I will never swipe right to them (although I’m sure some girls do?). I mean, at least make sure the toilet isn’t in the shot. And your pants are buttoned (!?).

Even more confusing are mirror selfie PicStitches. Why?

9. A blank (or black) profile.

Ok Tim.

10. Group photos.

The whole point of Tinder is snap (read: FAST) decisions. And now we have to scroll through your photos and try to crack the code of which dude you are?

I mean…

11. Brown/yellow, rotten, or missing teeth.

Maybe a closed-mouth smile would be a smart choice for you. And some Crest WhiteStrips.

The same goes for anything that looks like a cold sore on your mouth. Get some Abreva or find a friend with Photoshop.

12. A photo of you flipping us off.

Add a cigarette just to secure that “NOPE.”

I mean, what?

13. If you look gay

ie. your hands on your hips with one hip cocked to the side or licking a phallic item or another gay pose/situation. We don’t know you therefore we don’t know if you’re joking therefore we assume you’re gay and got Tinder mistaken for Grindr because, again–SNAP DECISIONS. Sorry.

14. If you’re laying on your bed trying to look sexy

…with what you think are “bedroom eyes.” They are not. They are rapey eyes.

15. With a kid……if you don’t have a kid.

Listen, if you have children, you’re proud of them and it’s smart to put it out there so you don’t start talking to a woman who hates kids then you drop the bomb on your awkward first date that you have three toddlers at home. But if your very first picture is of you and a child, you may get swiped left before we even click on your profile where you’re all, “That’s just my niece.” Shut up, dummy. Choose a no-kid pic for your opener.

There are many more (feel free to share your favorites in the comments), so we may be due for a part deux, but these should suffice for now.

And fellas, if you don’t give a shit what I have to say and want to keep using these type of photos, keep on DOING YOU, but I’m simply trying to provide some advice from female land to help get you laid.

And ladies, please swipe responsibly.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Likes pics and snark? Follow on Instagram @AshHess.

The post Guy’s Tinder Profile Pics That Need to Stop [Top 15 for 2022] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

This time around, we covered “Can a guy get out of the friend zone and how?” (our answers may surprise you), how does a guy tell his lady he hates one of her besties, and most importantly (well, for the singles)….Tinder etiquette.

Also, my shirt was on backwards the entire time.

Click here to listen to the two segments.

The first clip covers friend zones and if/when a guy should ever lie to his lady, and the second one covers the friend hating sitch, Tinder, and the one piece of advice all of us girls have for guys. (Also, there’s a gem in there for all you EW! fans.)

And I did turn my shirt around.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post Real Girl Talk About Friend Zones, Tinder, and Frenemies appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

5. Emma Stone Lip Sync Battle on Fallon.

I saw this posted earlier in the week and was like, meh, how EPIC can it really be? But since I have been girl crushing on Emma since Superbad and obviously am obsessed with Jimmy, I knew I had to watch. Thank God I did.

4. Sad Kanye.

Someone on Reddit found this photo of Kimye in a “random zip lining office in the middle of Mexico” and it may be one of the best celeb snapshots ever. There are hoards of sad/pissed off YEJUS (or whatever he calls himself) pics on the ‘net, but the “dejected ropes course Kanye” is by far the greatest.
I bet he’s pissed he has to wear a helmet. We all know he’s not a fan of helmet safety.

3. Obama’s Sassy Speech Between Two Ferns.  

Did I just want to call the POTUS sassy? Yes. But is this speech seriously comedic, self-deprecating, and pop culture relevant? 100%. It’s facking 20 minutes long and I watched the whole damn thing. The man has swag.

2. Look Up.

This video made me cry, get all introspective, and think about how hashtag #blessed I am that I grew up climbing trees, building forts, playing in the dirt, reading books, spending every summer day at the local pool, and riding bikes until dusk.

I didn’t even have Facebook until after college (thank God). Most of us are guilty of what’s in this video, but it still serves as a positive (and poignant) reminder to put the technology away sometimes.

1. The Beygency.

This past Saturday night on a bachelorette party, we got back to the hotel, ordered room service (chicken tenders, duh), and started talking Beyonce. One of my friend’s was all, “I just don’t understand the whole obsession,” and (after I recovered from shock), I whipped out my computer and made everyone watch the “Jealous” and “Partition” videos. The tune changed after that.

Although my friend’s life might still be in danger….

I’ve seen some sub-par SNL skits lately, but they totally redeemed themselves with this slice of genius.

Some things are worth looking down for.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post 5 Things On the Internet You’ve Gotta See appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

And of course I was like
JK I was like

He doesn’t get it.

Anyway, Jessimae (pronounced “Jessie May”) and I chit-chatted about life, love, and lube, and now I’m even more excited for her shows at the Atlanta Improv this weekend. See what this hilarious comedian has to say about the Kardashians, babies, Donald Trump, weird sexual experiences, and the one place she wants to go in Atlanta.

Me: Have you been to Atlanta before?
Jessimae: No, but I cannot wait. I’ve been thinking about this gig for a while. Everyone has told me about the Clermont Lounge. All I know is there are some old bitches.

Yes, it’s where strippers go to die. I’ve seen boobs where I was like, I didn’t know that even happened to women’s bodies. And of course there’s Blondie who crushes PBR cans between her tits. Then she’ll sign the can and give you a plastic baggie to take it home with you.
You know, I think about what people leave behind, their legacy. And if mine was to crush beer cans between my tits, I would be ok with that.

Same. Okay, thoughts on Donald Trump?
He’s a product of what society has become and how people consume entertainment. He knows how to get a reaction; he’s like a YouTube video running for office. It’s like, is he serious or not? It’s like the Andy Kaufman thing. He could come out and be like, “You idiots, you really thought I was running for presidency?” Or he could be like, “Yeah, I’m here and you’re all idiots for voting me in.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he made it all the way through; that seems like the way things have been going in this generation.

And another asshole in the news — The Fat Jew.
I don’t like that the industry has been supporting his whole thing. He doesn’t properly credit people and it is fucked up. I write and perform my own stuff. I’m attracted to people who create their own content. I don’t think he has talent; I haven’t seen it yet. Maybe he should become a manager or agent. Because he’s finding funny things. But just because you can find funny things doesn’t mean you’re funny. Maybe he should grow out the rest of his hair, put on a suit, and get in line with the rest of these business guys trying to make money off their clients.
*Fun fact: The Fat Jew was signed to CAA, which is Jessimae’s talent agency…along with Jimmy Fallon, Chelsea Handler, etc.

He grosses me out. So who do you like to follow on Instagram?
I like the fitness accounts. Sometimes if I need to work out, I’ll play those videos. I look like I’m watching cat videos but really I’m just trying to do lunges and squats. People go to Instagram for funny stuff, but since that’s my industry, I do the opposite. I like romantic shit, too. I like squat videos and like, a sunset pic.

Fitness “models” are my favorite thing on Instagram to make fun of.
Oh definitely. It’s a whole generation now. “Oh you’re a stay-at-home mom? Make a million dollars off videos of you doing bicep curls with your toddlers.”

And the Kardashians?
There’s not a lot I dislike in culture (besides your obvious dictators, racism, etc.). The Kardashians have managed to propel themselves into a singular access of hatred for me. The only one I really like is Khloe because she’s “the funny one.” But she has to be because everyone says she’s the least attractive. For the record, I think she’s funny and attractive. But overall, I think what they stand for and what they promote and how they came about–even back to their father defending OJ Simpson–is no bueno. They’re [brainwashing] teenage girls like Hitler did to his people. It’s not realistic to look like that. It’s poisoning the minds of young women at a rapid rate. I remember growing up and looking at magazines and being like, “I don’t look like these girls. Am I supposed to look like these girls?” And I was pretty confident growing up! I can’t imagine what it’s like for girls now.

I feel so unbelievably lucky to have grown up before the social media age. Speaking of how they came about, have you seen the Kim K sex tape?
(Laughs) Yes I have a funny story about that. I was supposed to go on a date with this guy in Syracuse. He was supposed to come to my show. He ended up not coming but was like, “Why don’t you come over afterward?” It was me, my sister, and my mom, and when we walked in, he had that sex tape playing on his massive flat screen TV. My mom, my sister, and I walked in and Kim K is getting it [from behind] by Ray J and I’m like, “I’ll have a wine spritzer.” My mom’s like, “What kind of wines do you have by the box?” while Kim K is taking a money shot by Ray J in the background. (Pause) I really need to reasses the types of guys I let into my vagina. Maybe that’s why I can’t stand the Kardashians.

So you watched the Kim K sex tape with your mom. Awesome. What’s your take on babies?
I’m on the fence about [having] them. The only reason I think I want to is because my upbringing up to a certain age was pretty magical — until I was like 9, then it all fell to shit. But I would want to be able to provide that for somebody, but then again, I don’t know; it could be too much, the pressure of maintaining that for me. Like, I couldn’t keep it up. At one point, I’d be like, “Santa Clause isn’t real, your dad left us six years ago, and I hate you.”

And not to mention what happens to your body. I was watching one of your clips about that.
Yeah, like I don’t know if it’s worth changing my body that much to end up maybe giving birth to another Manson. (Laughs)

Are you single?
I’m eternally single. That’s a wrap! I’ve been working so much and on the road. It’s different for girls. I don’t do one-night-stands; I’ve never had one in my life, I’m not going to start now. And it’s hard to date; it’s hard to find a guy who can handle what I do and not get insecure. I’m just waiting for Stamos to get his shit together and realize I’m adorable.

It is hard, I was single forever before I met my boyfriend….who is actually also in love with John Stamos.
(Laughs) Yeah he’s always been my ongoing thing. The career choice [of being a comedian]; I think you’re less attractive to men. By nature, men want to be the one to conquer and provide. And I have this career where I sorta’ have to be a guy as well as a female. I’m going to have to end up with like, The Rock or Stone Cold Steve Austin. Or a lumberjack. I’m going to need a lumberjack to be able to handle what I do. He can chop down trees and protect me and be too dumb to be insecure about what I do.

(Then we got into a whole separate conversation about relationships and my thoughts on what kind of guys alpha females should date and I’ll save that discussion for another time.)

What’s the weirdest thing a guy has ever done in the bedroom?
I was dating this one guy who was a racecar driver and he took the liberty to get lube and sex toys. First of all, listen buddy–if this is a new thing that we need lube, we need to address that situation. Talk to a bitch before you show up with a box of shit like it’s Christmas morning. But we can try it. I should have known it was bad because it was called “Wicked.” Wow this is great, put Wicked on my vagina. And he poured so much on me like I was a hotcake at IHOP. Like he was a goddamn line cook. I didn’t feel anything for a minute then it felt like the gates of hell had opened up on my vaginal walls. Like I was giving birth to Satan. I swelled up like a goddamn peach. And this mother fucker still wanted to go!

No!
Yes! He would laugh if he read this. 

(And then we wrapped up the interview.)

Well thanks, I’ll see you at a show this weekend!
Yes, come to one of the late shows so we can go out after!

CLERMONT.

**You guys, Jessimae is headlining at the Improv all weekend long (Thurs-Sat) so get yer tickets HERE. Also, I’m offering a limited amount of totally FREE tickets – use code ‘eskimo’ at checkout. If the code doesn’t work, they’re gone k thx bye!

Also check out her podcast Sharp Tongue!

The post Jessimae Peluso on Trump, The Fat Jew, Sex Tapes & Lube appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

You have changed the world for so much better and so much worse.

You give us laughs, you give us tears. You bring awareness to people in need but turn murderers into celebrities. You give us brilliant pieces of literature but also comment sections that make us lose all faith in humanity.

You keep food wine on my table and keep me #TooBlessedToBeStressed, but also give me the urge to delete all my social media accounts and move to a remote island where no one has heard of hashtags or the Kardashians.

But I just can’t quit you, Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat/TikTok.

However, I do wish some people would quit you.

Here are 10 people that need to #DoLess on social media. So. Much. Less.

10. The Self-Important Friend Cleanser

“I just cleaned up my friend list so if you’re seeing this, you should feel lucky you made the cut!”

OMG THANK YOU! I don’t know how I could live without seeing your status updates about your first world problems EVERY DAMN DAY.

Newsflash: NO ONE CARES. Friend cleanse all you want, but refrain from reminding people they’re lucky to be Internet pals with you. You’re not that important, I promise.

9. The “Stop Using Slang” PSA Person

“OMG, if you say the word bae, please unfriend me.” “WTF is ‘fleek’ and how do we stop it!?”

Or this HILARIOUSLY clever meme.

Can you please explain to me why are you so offended by a simple, non-derogatory word someone has chosen to use? I mean, “LOL” was over five years ago but I’m not posting an aggressive Facebook PSA about it (no offense, Mom). You’re probably the same out-of-touch person who maniacally posted “OMFG stop using hashtags, people!! They are SOOOO annoying and serve no purpose!” two years ago.

Now that’s funny, LOL. And lastly, not sure if you know how languages work, but many words that are in the dictionary and widely used every day (even by you!) began as slang–dude, babe, chilling, hang out, crush, AWESOME, etc. etc. etc. So stop crucifying people for using words you don’t understand and focus on something more important……like crucifying people for grammar.

Which brings me to….

8. The Uneducated Commenter

“Your wrong if u think we need gun control in this country!!!” “Kim Davis was justified in depriving people of they’re marriage licenses!!!”

Sigh.

It always seems to be the homophobes, racists, gun enthusiasts, raging redneck Republicans who don’t know the difference between their and they’re, your and you’re, and their heads from their assholes. If you’re going to spew a bunch of bigoted bullshit, at least use spellcheck. Actually no, keep doing what you’re doing; I love calling your dumb asses out.

7. The Detached-from-Reality Person and/or Black Soul

You share every single mundane detail of your day and every single result of every single Buzzfeed quiz you take, but have never expressed an emotion over a national/international tragedy.

Ok fine, you want to keep your personal social media shallow light and non-controversial, but two reporters were shot in cold blood doing their jobs and your follow-up tweet was about your #OOTD. A bunch of children got shot at their school and you wasted no time posting the latest literary masterpiece you found:

Are you just that disconnected from the world or you literally don’t care about anything of importance? Either way, you’re the worst.

6. The Cyber Bully/Celebrity Troller

Trolls, emerge from your computer cave and listen for a second. The fact that you take time out of your day to let the Kardashian/Jenner sister of your choice know how ugly/fat/fake you think she is ON HER PERSONAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT is beyond pathetic and you are a waste of space on this Earth.

Stop being a jealous hater, understand these are real people you’re cyber bullying (but also, they don’t give a fuck what you think and will probably never read it), and get a hobby.

(That’s on a Kim K pic btw.)

Also, celebrity superfans are harmless for the most part, but please don’t be that person who comments “first” on Beyonce’s Instagram. And half the time, your “first” is the 6th comment down because someone beat you to it before your 3G phone could complete the post and that’s just embarrassing.

5. The Joke Thief

You see something funny on one of your social outlets and think “I want to repost that!” And hey, that’s great! Way to make the world a happier place!

But did you ever think someone spent time coming up with that meme/joke and it would be nice to credit them? Oh, you DID think of that but you just don’t give a shit and/or want to make it seem like you came up with it yourself?

Ok well go join the Fat Jewish’s degenerate intern army who work in the back on a nail salon or hang out with Fuck Jerry and his cunty wife Beige Cardigan and continue being terrible.

On the other hand, if the thought of giving credit where it’s due just never crossed your mind, maybe you should consider this concept, and also thank your parents for their expert job in raising you to be a decent human.

4. The Stripper Masked as a Fitness Model

Oh you’re a fitness model? You’re an “inspiration”? I’m sorry but nothing about your blatant protein powder advertisement or straight-up pic of your butthole is making me want to go to the gym. Bye.

3. The Clickbait Sharer

If you ever get the urge to hit that share button on any article ending with “and you’ll never believe what happens next!”, please abort mission and go back to stalking your ex.

There’s a word for this and it’s “clickbait.”

This means that you were baited into clicking on it by the Internet demons. That means you’re a little bit dumb. Do you want people to think you’re dumb? I didn’t think so. However, if that is your goal, please refer to #8, but stop clogging our newsfeed with “A koala spooned a Corgi puppy in a hammock and you’ll never believe what happens next!!” (Shit I would totally click on that, though.)

2. The Angry Unfollower

I run two popular Instagrams (@BrosBeingBasic and @FashionDads), so I see this a lot. Casual #Humblebrag #nbd.

You are either offended by something (because you’re literally offended by everything all the time) or the post wasn’t funny/sexy/inspirational/mass appealing/low-brow enough for your narrow mind, so you take the time to comment “I’m unfollowing!” on said account.

Hey, NO ONE CARES.

I don’t give a shit if you unfollow me and neither does anyone else in this world who runs a popular Instagram account, celebs included. Just go.

1. The Suicide Selfie-er

Dying for a selfie? Yes friends, this just keeps happening. Gun selfies, bridge selfies, bear selfies, hanging-off-a-cliff selfies–people just keep risking (AND LOSING) their lives for that perfect pic to hashtag #Thankful, #LikeABoss, or #LivingTheDream on social media.

And of course, it’s always sad when innocent people die, but my sympathy levels are on the lower end for these extreme narcissists/idiots.

Bottom line, no matter what you choose to do or not do on social media, please always remember to selfie responsibly.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post 10 People On Social Media You Don’t Want To Be [in 2022] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

Can you imagine dumping someone because you were scared they might find out you’d been cheating…..and then when you dumped them, making sure to double down on the fact that they hadn’t caught you yet? (I couldn’t even type that without aggressively planting my face into my palm.)

Oh and also, they find out they’ve been dumped on TV Twitter — they actually think it’s a joke at first, LOL! Oh and then just to add insult to injury, you resurrect your crazy aunt PeggyAnne from the dead to go on CNN Facebook and comment on the whole thing.

AND let’s not forget that this person you just shat all over helped you get your job by crucifying the other candidate! I mean, can you just IMAGINE being that big of an asshole?

But of course, we’re not talking about silly, superficial things like bf/gf relationships here! We’re talking about the leader of the free world unapologetically abusing his power in an attempt to save his orange face and prolong the confirmation of his collusion of Russian just a teensy bit longer. Say it with me now: Who’s your Vladdy!?

Anywho! Here’s what the termination breakup letter would look like:

And here’s Drumph’s masterpiece, in case you haven’t heard it on CNN 8 million times committed it to memory yet:

Sure, there’s a tiny detail that doesn’t exactly line up in my comparison (new boyfriend vs. new FBI director), unless Trump elects Putin as the new FBI director of the United States. Obviously that’s not humanly possible, but then again, I think we can all agree humanity has been out the window for a while now, so you really just never know!

As if I even need to say it for the 675th time this year….WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE!

Feature image photo credit: Faking News

The post Trump’s Comey Letter as a Breakup Letter appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

Now don’t get me right, I love social media. Twitters, The Facebook, Instantgrams, Youporn–they are all amazing and consume just about 90% of my waking hours.

However, with the good comes the bad. A dark side of social media has evolved. And I don’t mean FEM/DOMS on Craigslist; I am talking annoyances such as The Poke, Farmville, #VineAfterDark (please don’t look at that), political rants, #blessed humble brags, potty training posts, and so forth.

But there is one granddaddy of them all that sucks mud. I am talking about the offspring of asshole and douchebag: The SELFIE.

You know what I’m talking about. That annoying picture you post of YOURSELF to remind the world just how attractive you are. Shut the door. I can’t take it anymore (partially because I am not attractive enough to post a selfie).

Hey, pretty model with the fantastic ass, we get it. You are pretty. Thanks. You don’t have to post your face 45 times a day. We don’t need to see your cool new necklace that just so happens to sit between your gigantic store-bought and overly spray-tanned tits.

Oh and PS, if you still take mirror shot selfies for your MySpace profile, then quit reading this blog, sell your Buick Enclave, and never reproduce.

Now I know that YOU, cool reader, are not one of those who post a half trillion selfies a day, but I know you have a friend who does. We all do.

Mine happens to be a D-list reality star who is so good looking it makes me reconsider gay. I can see him counting his “likes” right now whilst recounting his abs. As far as I know, he doesn’t own a shirt and has never eaten a carb in his life.

Oh, and if you follow any promo girls on social media, you feel my selfie-inflicted pain.

To any of my nine readers who do post gazillons of selfies, hear me now. Please head down to the public library and search the card catalog for a book called The Dictionary.  Once you locate said book, look up the word HUMBLE. This will be a foreign word to you, but study it for some time.

Also, because I care for you, I am here to help you overcome your selfie addiction.

Here are a few guidelines to aid you in your quest to not being such a douche on social media: -It is still a selfie if you are holding a baby animal. -The only place a selfie is acceptable is on Snapchat. -Think of it this way: Does your grandmother post selfies? No. Unless she is a whore.  If so, tell her to Instagram me @furbustrey.

-Calling yourself out in the status of a selfie doesn’t make it ok. Hashtag #selfie doesn’t make it ok. Matter of fact, nothing makes it ok.

And without further ado, here are some of THE ABSOLUTE WORST my favorites:

1. The Gym Selfie

(Because the checkin isn’t enough.)

2. The Pet Selfie

(If you want to post a picture of your pet, post a picture of your pet.)

Unless this happens, then it’s ok:

3. The Car Selfie AKA The Seatbelt Selfie

(You LITERALLY got in the car and thought, “I look so good today, I better let everyone know before I put this thing in drive and head to my shift at the Olive Garden.”)

If you can combine the Seatbelt Selfie with the beloved Shirtless Selfie like this unattractive fella below, you..are…GOLD.

4. The Blurry Selfie

5. The Just Woke Up Selfie

Yeah right you just woke up.

6. Or even worse, the Pretending to Be Asleep Selfie.

(We know you’re not asleep, asshole. You took the damn picture.)

7. The Add a Kid Selfie

(Extra points for a C-section scar.)

8. The Hospital Selfie

(A rare gem. The more tubes you have hooked up to you, the better.)

10. The Duck Face Selfie

(Hey girls. This doesn’t make you prettier. It makes you look stupid and desperate. If that’s what you’re going for, carry on.)

11. The Pregant Belly Selfie

(Send this to your family and friends, not the entire Internet.)
And yes, that’s a pregnant belly duck face selfie. It’s the unicorn of awful selfies.

12. The “I’m a Gigantic Whore” Selfie

Nice phone case, by the way.

13. The “I Have Enough Money to Fly On an Airplane” Selfie

(AND I own earbuds.)

14. The 3D Selfie.

(It takes talent…along with class.)

15. The Say Something That Has Nothing To Do With Anything Selfie

(You had a great night? Oh.)

16. The “I Live In Filth” Selfie

(We all make messes, but if you’re going to post your living quarters on the World Wide Web, pick up your damn room.)

There are so many more, but I’m running out of time on my prepaid Wi-Fi at the Internet cafe and I still have to check Youporn and Friendster.

In conclusion: If there’s really something on your face or body you HAVE to share (Halloween makeup/costume, fine, whatever), and there is no one around to take a photo, then society will let you slide, but other than that, please try to refrain from letting the world know you think you’re hot in the most douchetastic of ways.

And remember, friends don’t let friends selfie.

I miss flip phones,
Selfie Tom

The post The 16 Worst Types of Selfies appeared first on Witty + Pretty.