Now I know some of you losers fine folks actually love New Year’s resolutions and some of you loathe them, but let’s all agree they NEVER WORK.

Show me the bastard who sets decent resolutions and keeps them a full year. It has never happened in the history of humans. UNTIL NOW. Maybe.

First and foremost, there is one word that singlehandedly ruins resolutions. If you use it, you will fail. I’ll reveal this word shortly, but first, I will present ten resolutions you can do to improve your life VASTLY. As if that is even a word. Vastly. WTF?

10. Quit something for one month

One of the stupid problems with resolutions is they technically must last for one year. LIKE HELL. Won’t happen. Unless you are a monk. I think monks do things for one year. Huh? So all you have to do is quit something for ONE MONTH.

I suggest smoking, Bagel Bites, Facebook, shopping at Marshall’s, porn, spray tanning, TV on Mondays and Tuesdays, selfies, weed, Waffle House, or talking negative about other people.

I also suggest you do it in February because it has the fewest days (28). I am literally a math genius. Anybody can give up something for one month. It is a good challenge, will give you confidence, and might start a new habit (or break an old one). PS, that 21-days-to-start-a-habit thing is complete bullshit. I made my bed every day for a whole year in 2009 and haven’t made it since.

9. Don’t eat potatoes for two months

I dare you to try and not eat potatoes for two months. If you accomplish this, you will lose weight. The carb thing confuses the piss out of me and we all know about sugar and whatever, but if you simply give up potatoes, you will see results. This eliminates French fries, potato chips (DUH), hash browns, and a harem of other fried potato disasters. Do it, you lard ass. Oh and while you’re at it, give up mayonnaise. It is useless.

8.  Learn something.

“If you aren’t growing, you are dying,” said some self-help guru with amazing hair.

However, it is true (and I don’t have great hair). My suggestion is to sign up for a weekend seminar on ANYTHING over the next 12 months. Just do it. You will learn something (unless you are really dumb) and make new friends, which leads me to number 8…

7. Stop hanging out with douchebags.

The same yahoo self-help hair guy probably said “You are who you hang out with,” or something magical along those lines. Point being, if you hang out with deadbeat meth-heads who wear baggy jeans and have face sores, then you are probably a deadbeat meth-head wearing bagging jeans with face sores.

If you hang out with rich assholes who wear Ralph Lauren socks and drive Porches, then you are probably rich. If you are not where (or who) you want to be in life, find some people who are and hang out with them. It will change your life and your socks.

6. Get a divorce.

 Hey. You know you’re miserable, and it is way more fun not being married than being married to an a-hole you have hated since the second year of marriage. Get a divorce, move to a busy city, and try alcohol. You can thank me later.

5. Send a holiday card to 40 people NOT DURING CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS.

People love getting holiday cards (ish). They get a ton around Christmas and then they run out of space to display them and throw them all away on January 3. You will send yours on a different random holiday. It will blow everyone’s minds or confirm you are mental (probably both). I suggest Cinco de Mayo, Presidents Day, Flag Day, 4^th of July, or just do a Christmas card in August.  Hell, make up a holiday and write “Happy Whatever Holiday from (insert your dumb name here)”. Go to walgreens.com and choose the cheapest fanciest design.

4. Keep dental floss sticks in your car.

 You know those fancy plastic contraptions with the built-in floss? Of course you do. You could use one right now.

Spend the $1.23 for a boatload of them and keep them in arms reach of your drivers seat. You can whip one out whilst driving, which A) Gets all that nasty shit out of your teeth regularly, and B) Gives you something positive to do instead of sexting and driving. It could save your life and prevent gum rot like your meth-head friends.

3. Don’t eat meat one day a week.

Americans eat way too much meat. There is a reason we are the unhealthiest people on Earth, and part of that algebraic formula is because we think we need to eat meat with every meal. Horse shit. I am not saying become a vegan, stop shaving your bush, and never wear leather again; I’m just saying meat will kill you. Don’t believe me? Read the book The China Study. And by read, I mean skim that bitch because it is half a billion pages long.

However, ol’ boy who wrote it PROVES that meat causes cancer. Ever wonder why those freaks in Asia are so damn healthy and never get cancer? They don’t eat MEAT. Plus the meat we eat is a disaster. I dare you to YouTube “Meet your Meat”. You will be a vegetarian for at least two months and/or just throw up on your computer.

2. Eat a banana every day.

The oldest living man in the world claims to be alive and healthy because he eats a banana every day. I’m not suggesting anyone would ever WANT to live to 115. That’s like being 90 years old for 25 years. (MATH GENIUS). Plus, all your relatives and friends would be dead. I’ll pass.

So maybe eat a banana five days a week. They also have a ton of potassium which battles hangovers, so you are going to need that when you get a divorce and start getting drunk every night. What? Also, bananas are helpful if you need to practice oral sex, which you can never be too good at. Here is proof.

1. Write yourself a love letter once a month.

And mail it. The one thing humans lack the most is self-love. If everyone loved and believed in themselves more, the world would be an euphoric den of bliss and joy. Therefore, I suggest you write yourself a love letter once a month.

Then you should mail it to yourself, so you have to physically open it and read it again. If you don’t have enough money for postage, please refer to #8. Keep all the letters in a shoebox and read them every year. You girls will probably want to down a bottle of white zin whilst reading. And cry.

If you are looking for a few more ideas, get a swallow of these honorable mentions:

-Get day drunk once a month because there is no better joy than being inebriated during daylight hours. The bonus is you usually pass out by 10 p.m., which gives you a 64% chance of not being hungover the next day. I suggest Saturdays. I also suggest Vodka.

-Don’t drink Red Bull; that crack is straight poison.

-Cut your stupid toenails once a month, you sick freak.

-Sell something on Ebay. Anything. Just do it.

-Stop doing shots (good luck; it will never happen but you would feel amazing and remember the previous night).

-Never stay out anywhere past 1:30 a.m. Nothing positive will happen, I promise.

-Stop hooking up with your loser ex after 1:30 a.m.

-Quit texting nude pics.

–Do a juice cleanse.

-Buy a new sex toy and use it, either with a partner or alone.

-Give a homeless person a sandwich.

-Hit on a stranger once a week.

Now, I’m sure you’re DYING TO KNOW what the magical word is that ruins all New Year’s resolutions. As I stated before, this single word guarantees failure when used in resolution making. And the word is: MORE. Yeah, more. More is the word. More.

If you say you are going to do “more” of something such as exercise, read, masturbate, or snorkel, you will fail.  This is because you cannot measure more. More. What a stupid word. You need to replace the word MORE with exactly what you are going to do so you can either do it or not do it. For example, “I am going to eat more cheese.”

Change that to: “I am going to eat seven pounds of cheese every Wednesday.” How about, “I’m going to give my douchebag boyfriend more hand jobs.” That should be: “I will give my douchebag boyfriend two hand jobs a week if he does the dishes instead of playing video games.”

That’s right, hand jobs are making a comeback this year.

Have a fantastic 2022, you heathens.

The post New Year’s Resolutions That Aren’t Stupid [2022 List] appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

This is my new blog on beauty, funny stuff, helpful tips, girls, sometimes boys, fitness and health, drinking, how to maintain fitness and health without giving up drinking, some fashion here and there, sexual-ish stuff from time to time (sorry, Dad), a li’l bit of music (i.e. songs to play while getting ready), personal grooming, pretty stuff for your home (but very little of that because I suck at decorating), pregnancy, etc.

Okay, so maybe those last three were a lie.

I’ll also be regularly featuring Witty & Pretty females across the globe (know any chicks in China?) in serious in-depth interviews on topics like their favorite beauty products and tricks, most embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions, workout routines they swear by, and the last intoxicated texts they sent to their exes.

Hello, I’m Ashley! (Feel free to call me Hess.)

Welcome to Witty + Pretty! Sit down, pour yourself a drink (oh, you’re at work; so what?), and let’s get to know each other.

I’m Ashley and I started this website out of an obsession with beauty stuff, passion for funny, and general distaste for cheesy female-based blogs that take themselves too seriously. I love all the usual beauty suspects (manis, pedis, blowouts, skincare, etc.), but am also huge on health and fitness, and have a general passion for vodka and anything that makes me laugh.

I’m a social media and pop culture enthusiast as well as a music freak always searching for the latest tracks to get me going on a run or before a night out (ie. to sing at the top of my lungs in the shower). And when it comes to the fellas, dating, and S-E-X, I have an opinion or two (hundred).

Above all, I believe the most important element in anyone’s quest for pretty is having fun and being happy. We all should be laughing all the damn time and not taking ourselves too seriously. Nothing is prettier than a smile, and if someone is bitter/judgmental/sucks at life and can’t laugh at him/herself, no amount of beauty products and treatments can make that look good. Girl, you know it’s true.

On W+P, you’ll find your favorite girly things with a (hopefully) funny twist. We’ll talk lipstick, hair, food, fitness, nails, playlists, waxing, tans, bra fittings, low-cal drinks, sex toys, travel, traveling with sex toys, hangover cures, beauty tip, tricks, bad dates, and so much more. And we can’t forget the dude contributors letting us into the male mind one paragraph at at time….

Thanks so much for stopping by. I hope you enjoy and if you have something(s) you’d like me to write about, feel free to send me an email (ashley@witty.gilliansarah.com), tweet, or Facebook message. If for some reason you’re interested in my resume/”professional” site/TV stuff, it’s over at AshleyHesseltine.com.

LYLAS,
Ashley

So pull up your Hanky Panky’s (if you’re going commando, that’s okay, too), grab your fave lip gloss, vodka cocktail, and smart phone, and hop on the Witty & Pretty Express.

I think it’s going to be a fun ride.

(Would it be overkill to throw in a “Choo Choo!”?)

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post Welcome to Witty & Pretty! appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

Working for yourself is undeniably awesome in a lot of ways and it was the number one thing I wanted in my career: The freedom, no asshole bosses, vacations when you want, working in pajamas (or nothing at all). But there are definite downsides: You feel like you’re never really on vacation, you literally LIVE at your office (if you work from home), and of course, that whole benefits/health insurance/taxes thing (FML). And while trying to attain goals, build a business/brand, thrive professionally, and stay organized with only yourself to push you can be rewarding, it can also be really exhausting.

Sometimes, I just want to say F it and crawl into bed in the middle of the day (ok, so I have done that before), go to lunch and start drinking (maybe once or twice…), or hire an overbearing assistant to run my life (although that could end badly).

I wouldn’t trade it for anything (except maybe a job at Chelsea Lately), but I say this because I have those moments when I’m so mentally and creatively tapped out (as in ANY job) that I just dick around on Facebook/Buzzfeed/FamersOnly while my overwhelming to-do list sits there sans checkmarks. And let’s be honest with ourselves–our inspiration and genuine excitement to do/create something isn’t going to come to us while we’re stalking our crush or reading about the 67 best things from ’90s Nickelodeon television.

So these are some of the things I do to get my swag back. (I didn’t know I was going to type that phrase, but it just came out, so I think it’s meant to be.)

1. Sweat…like, really hard. Friends, you know it’s true–nothing gets the endorphins going like a tough, heart-rate-skyrocketing sweat sesh (this does include hot yoga, which I’m still terrified to try). Afterward, you’ll feel rejuvenated and ready to get back to crushing life.

2. Take a walk. Get the f*ck out of the house/office and let that fresh air fill your lovely lungs (or manly chest). A dog is a perfect excuse, but even if you’re sans canine, put on your kicks and hit the pavement. It doesn’t have to be long (that’s what she said) or intense–just enough time to clear your head.

DO NOT bring your phone with you (those SnapChats can wait), and consider setting an intention for the stroll. I have figured out how to handle issues, come up with new story ideas, and basically wrote my entire, first standup routine whilst walking around my ‘hood. If you live near the ocean (bitch), walking along the water’s edge is the ultimate head-clearer. Take a dip and you’ll be back on the top of the world by the time you dry.

3. Shower. Even better if you actually need one. There is science behind why people come up with great ideas while lathering, rinsing, and repeating, but I’m no biologist. I just know I’ve written entire articles in my head while its under running water, and have to jet out of the shower, go straight to my computer in a towel (or not), and write that shit down before I forget.

4. Put on your favorite song and dance around like a total idiot. If you aren’t doing this AT LEAST weekly, you are missing out on a whole bunch of awesome. Not only does it get you up and moving, but your fave jam can make you happier than Miley on National No Pants Day. Basically, a foolproof recipe for instant funk-busting.

5. Call that person who never makes you feel stupid, always makes you feel awesome, and laughs at everything you say. (Oh hey, Mom.). You’ll be uplifted when you hang up. (Extra feel-good points if you tell them how important they are to you.)

6. IF you want to talk things out, dial that person who challenges you, asks questions, and pushes you to think harder and dig deeper. Just make sure you’re up for it or it might end in a dramatic “OMG, who asked you anyway!?” hangup.

7. Take a nap. You know when you’re running on E, so don’t ignore it, or you’ll end up passing out in a bush without your shoes, purse, or dignity (actually, I think there was alcohol involved when I did that). I don’t get a lot of sleep at night, so I’m a big fan of the 45-minute nap on occasion; it recharges you and get you thinking clearly again. Even if you lay down and only get 15-20 minutes of decent sleep, it can get you through the rest of the day without wanting to die. Same as your iPhone.

8. Drink (no, not alcohol, but that can work, too). Dehydration is the devil and most of the time, we’re not as hydrated as we should be, which leads to fatigue and cloudy heads. Get at least 16 oz. of water (standard bottle) and just chug the shit out of it. Your body will recognize the boost and your mental state will catch up soon after. A super-healthy juice (or five days of ‘em) can also work wonders for your system, productivity, and energy level.

9. Take care of something. You know something has been bothering you–the friend you’ve been at odds with and just need to call, that painting you’ve been meaning to hang for three days weeks, your chipping manicure you can’t stop picking at, the mysterious fees that showed up on your last Comcast bill and you need to call about, your brother’s birthday present you haven’t mailed yet…..from July (#guilty). It could be a minor thing, but it’s occupying space in your brain and could be stressing you more than you realize. Get it done, clear it out, and you’ll be ready to take on something new.

10. Laugh hard. I laugh…A LOT. But sometimes, a full day will almost go by and I’ll be like, “Wait, I haven’t had a hysterical laughing fit since yesterday!” What is happening?! That’s when I text or G-chat a friend with a random memory (or better yet, a selfie), and before I know it, I’m crying.

Or I go back and read/watch this.

And now I’m ready to take on the world.

Hope some of these tips help lift you out of any impending funks and get you feeling #swaggy, and if they don’t, then I guess that’s what alcohol was made for.

(PS, am I allowed to say swaggy as a white girl?)

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post What I learned this month appeared first on Witty + Pretty.