Your new BFF Jon Stennis here to talk about selfies video games. Not too long ago, I made it public that I was amongst a nerd herd chock full of cystic acne and chin beards in line for a midnight release of a new video game. As I pondered if this was a rock bottom experience, I looked around and realized that I, unlike most of this crowd, had felt boobs, had a job, and actively participate in post-marital sex.

I then came to the conclusion that I was a member of an extremely closeted group of men: Gamers with Girls. We are an isolated group; society doesn’t accept us due to negative stereotypes and general misunderstanding. I’ve decided to reach out and appeal to the 14 women who read this website by openly discussing gaming rumors to let other #GamersWithGirls AND their girls (or future girls) know that it does can get better.

Let me address some of the common concerns:

1. Why does my guy spend more time on Xbox than in my box?
I’ll tell you why, needy sweetie–because video games are constantly adding new tricks and features.  When was the last time you brought some thing new to the table (or bed)? I spend 60 hard-earned dollars on a game and I know exactly what I’ll be getting in return.

Whereas with you I can funnel money into an extravagant night out on the town with horse drawn carriage, private screening of some weird French film, and a fancy Motel 6 suite, but it’s still a crap shoot if you’re going to be in “in the mood” or not.  I don’t have to ask my Xbox how it’s day was to turn it on. So ladies don’t make it about yourself, instead of asking “Why?” ask “What?” as in “What could I do to be more entertaining?”

Maybe next time your dude is cussing out a 12-year-old playing Call of Duty, put on something sexy (flannel nightgown), saunter into the room, and see what happens next. Hint: Intercourse.

2. Violent video games make violent people.
Oh.

Well under that logic, playing sports games should make you a professional athlete. Call me crazy, but I haven’t seen anyone from PlayStation making Sportscenter’s Top 10 list.

Probably not gonna’ see this specimen in the next NFL draft, but he’s damn good at Madden:

3. Gaming makes you anti-social.
Yes, the majority of gamers are anti-social, but that is due to poor eating habits and crippling self-esteem issues, not video games. Clearly your guy is not anti-social because of those factors if you’re dating him (right?).

No dude with a girlfriend/wife/mistress is anti-social, unless of course said female’s public behavior is so terrible that the gentleman cannot go out in public from fear of Ms. Bottle-Of-White-Zin-Before-Dinner making a tear-filled scene over him “flirting with the waitress” when asking her what beers are on draft.

Plus, you just spent 6 hours watching Real Housewives of Whatever on the couch by yourself. Maybe you’re the anti-social one.

4. I feel like I’m being ignored when my man plays video games.

That’s because you are. It’s nothing personal. Between checking Facebook and really long bathroom breaks to beat Angry Birds levels, most dudes do actually work 3-4 hours a day, so we need to take a load off when we get home. So let us come in, hit the couch, and pick up a controller.

There will be plenty of time for you when we try to guilt you into a hook-up right as you’re trying to fall asleep.

If you’re really tired of being “ignored,” don’t bring up the video game. Instead, put on a sexy (but not skanky) outfit and casually tell your dude you’re going out with the girls. Even ask him if he needs a beer before you head out.

He’ll pay attention.

5. Video games are dumb; I don’t get it.

Remember when you read the 50 Shades of Grey series and we tried all that weird stuff until that night I got carried away and we didn’t talk for a week?

I digress.

But that’s how dudes feel about video games. We are not asking you to get it; we just want you to accept it. Video games are fun; they give us the opportunity to act out scenarios we can’t legally/physically do in the real world. If I went on a rampage and shot up and entire city with a bazooka in real life, I’d get in a tiny bit of trouble, but online I get rewarded with extra points.

There is a very small chance I will ever actually get recruited by the Marines to fight an alien invasion on earth, but thanks to the good people at Xbox Live I can do that every Saturday.

And just so you know, you spend a lot of time doing things we don’t understand and/or give a f*ck about. Case in point: Pinterest.

Bottom line: Unless your guy is jobless, plays video games 18 hours a day, doesn’t bathe, and literally refuses to speak to you, cut him a break.

Next time your dude picks up his controller and your need to nag comes rushing in, either go reorganize your Pinterest wedding board, or follow these three steps you learned back in elementary school: STOP (your urge to argue), DROP (your top), and ROLL (onto the bed with him).

He’ll be going after your high score immediately.

Lilacs,
Stennis

The post Why Guys Play Video Games (From a Real Guy) appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

This time around, we covered “Can a guy get out of the friend zone and how?” (our answers may surprise you), how does a guy tell his lady he hates one of her besties, and most importantly (well, for the singles)….Tinder etiquette.

Also, my shirt was on backwards the entire time.

Click here to listen to the two segments.

The first clip covers friend zones and if/when a guy should ever lie to his lady, and the second one covers the friend hating sitch, Tinder, and the one piece of advice all of us girls have for guys. (Also, there’s a gem in there for all you EW! fans.)

And I did turn my shirt around.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post Real Girl Talk About Friend Zones, Tinder, and Frenemies appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

Well guess what, guys are crazy, too, so let’s put the whole backlash of that statement behind us and focus on this educational video for a second. (For the record; crazy to a female is equivalent to creepy as a male, so if you want to hit a guy where it hurts, call him creepy.)

This teacher made me pay attention to a math lesson more than I ever did in school. Watch as he explains where females fall on the hot-crazy matrix and the different zones (date zone, marry zone, restraining order zone).

Of course, there’s SO much more to females than their attractiveness and crazy level (intelligence, humor, ambition, clinginess factor, whether they’re STD-free, etc., etc., etc.), but this is still entertaining AND you just got a geometry refresher. (Or is it algebra?)

I think I’m destined to be in the fun zone for life. So where do you (or your lady) fall?

LYLAS,
Ashley

Thank you to Donna of Yoga in Heels and FORME Studios for bringing this to my attention!

The post The New Mathematical Way Men Rate Women in 2022 appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

For one, I still remembered my name on Sunday. And I didn’t have to take a Plan B. What?

Presenting the differences between bachelorette parties when you’re in your 20s and in your 30s…

Bedtime
20s: You pass out face down and wake up with mascara and bronzer all over your pillow and algae on your teeth.
30s: You wash your face and brush your teeth before laying your head to rest. Some of us…..even moisturize.

Bride Attire
20s: The bride wears a bunch of shit ranging from penis veils, sashes, garters, feather boas, light-up rings, and tiaras. She looks like a walking Party City. 
30s: The bride wears a designer dress. For the love of Herve Leger, do not attempt to attach any sort of tacky penis paraphernalia to her designer dress.

–
Paying at Dinner
20s: You get separate checks at dinner and/or spend 15 minutes of valuable shot-taking time trying to figure out/split the bill. At least two girls are having internal panic attacks because they’re probably about to overdraw (I would know).
30s: All the girls nonchalantly throw down their credits cards and are like, “Just split it or whatever,” then go back to talking about important stuff like, “What should our hashtag be?”

Hooking Up
20s: 4-5 girls on the bachelorette party will hook up with randoms.
30s: 0-1 girl will hook up with a random.

–
Throwing Up
20s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s hungover.
30s: Someone has morning sickness because she’s pregnant.

Dancing
20s: You dance on any elevated surface you can find: Bars, tables, chairs, speakers, a midget’s shoulders, etc. And twerk.

30s: You keep your feet firmly on the ground and if you get low, your quads are going to be sore in the morning.

Drinks
20s: Whatever any dudes will buy you. And Fireball.
30s: Wine, the restaurant’s overpriced signature cocktails, vodka sodas. And Fireball.

Penis Stuff
20s: ALL PENIS EVERYTHING. Cake, straws, balloons, confetti, ice cubes, lollipops, necklaces, piñatas, centerpieces, lipstick, etc. The most things to seductively lick for a photo to send to your on-again-off-again booty call, the better.

30s: Maybe a few penis straws if anyone feels like picking some up. For like, pregaming and stuff.

Hotel
20s: Whatever is cheapest. Or the Marriott if the one “corporate” friend can use her company discount. And four to five to a room (more if you bring dudes back).
30s: A luxury hotel in Napa Valley because, “This is her special weekend.” And you know someone will be all, “Not to be a snob, but four to a room is like, a little tight.”

Social Media/Texting
20s: 80% of the girls are on their phones 90% of the time and don’t give a fuck. Until they drunkenly lose their phone/drop it in the toilet at the club then cry hysterically.

30s: The girls whip their phones out sporadically and discreetly to Instagram or text their husbands to check in. You’ll hear a lot of, “Sorry, I’m putting my phone away in two seconds!”

Baby Talk
20s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of getting pregnant.
30s: Most of the girls are deathly afraid of not getting pregnant.

Pump and Dump
20s: A girl has sex with a random and bolts before he can even get her number.
30s: One mom in the group will have to do this when she gets home because she just had three glasses of Chardonnay.
Lifesavers20s: Hard candies you put on a T-shirt and guys will suck them off during the night and give the bride crumpled $1 bills. 
30s: Advil, a gallon of water before bed, Spanx.

Getting Ready
20s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her “food baby” from lunch.
30s: Someone is whining her skinny jeans don’t fit because of her real baby from her husband’s sperm.

Lingerie Shower
20s: Every piece of lingerie is lacy, pink, and from Victoria’s Secret. The bride will wear them once. Maybe.

30s: The bride-to-be gets a nice mix of classy-sexy and “sensible” pieces from Cosabella, Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom, Eberjey, etc. and everyone is like, “Ohmygod, you’re totally going to wear that all the time.”

Outfits
20s: Matching or coordinated. “So like, we’re all going to wear black, and the bride is going to wear white! It’s going to be everything.”
30s:

–
Sex Talk
20s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.
30s: Blow jobs, vibrators, doggystyle, dirty talk, penises, grooming, orgasms, etc.

Thank God some things never change.

LYLAS,
Ashley

Top featured image from sweetteaandskyscrapers.com; penis pops from Pinterest; last photo from thefuntimesguide.com

The post Bachelorette Parties in Your 20s vs. 30s appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

As I announced before my departure, I started the hashtag #HotGuysOfHangout and did my best to capture the hottest male specimens at the fest all weekend.

Let me just say this was the best idea I’ve ever had. Not only did we have the perfect excuse to talk to any hot guy we saw, but they all LOVED it (um, who doesn’t like to be called hot?), and we made so many new friends/soulmates. I think I fell in love about 47 times, only had to break one guy’s heart and only got dumped once.

Overall, a huge success. My partner in crime was my friend (and #HotGirlOfHangout) Kelsey, who you’ll see in a lot of the photos. You can tell the fellas did NOT want to get close and take pictures with her (yeah right).

Presenting….The 22 Hottest Guys You’ll Find at a Music Festival:

1. Hot Guys With Tattoos

So many inked-up gentlemen and I loved every inch of them. I’m talking about their tats, you pervs. I especially liked the dude below with a butterfly tattoo. Tramp stamp on your delt? Why the hell not!

2. Hot Guys Who Could Save Your Life……or Get You Arrested

If you love a man in uniform, these are your dudes. And for a hand job, they could probably get you backstage. (But don’t quote me on that.)

3. Passed Out Hot Guys

You’re probably not going to make out with this particular fella (unless you’re giving him CPR), but he’s fun to mess with.

4. Ex-Reality Show Hot Guys

That’s right, Ace from Real World Paris is part of our group and not only is he hot, but he’s probably the nicest dude on the planet. Leave a comment below if you want his Snapchat info.

5. Hot Guys With Beards

I love facial hair and there was plenty of it to stroke at this fest. Guys love it when strange girls stroke their beards. Or at least they pretend to.

6. Really Giant Hot Guys

It’s great to have a really tall guy as your festival crush, so you can easily spot him at every show. Even with my mad ups (that means jumping skills for you white people), I still was barely as tall as this headband-wearing Sasquatch.

7. Hot Guys Eating

Let it be known the food at Hangout is legit. I had a chicken gyro and footlong corn dog that rivaled any five-star meal I’ve ever eaten. But I was also drunk. Anyway, if you see a guy eating, go up and ask him for a bite of his weiner. It works every time (so I’ve heard).

8. Hot Guys Who Are Love Whales

This fella is a rare gem. He got lost on the way to his shift at Sea World and ended up at a Zedd concert. Don’t be fooled by his sensible fanny pack and Crocs with socks; he knows how to rage.

Oh you want a video of this sexy stud? Fine, fine.

9. Hot Guys With Not-Hot Friends

What…….a buzzkill.

10. Hot Guys From Panama City

These fellas drove over the state line in a rented Escalade and are ready to #YOLO. You can spot PCB guys by their earrings, sneakers, and chin straps. They could also be from New Jersey or Tampa (tough to tell).

11. Hot Guys Who Are Too Young For You

This guy and I hit it off, then I took my vodka goggles off for a second and realized I could have been his mother. Ok, older sister.

He told me he was 24 but liked “older women” (FML). So I let him make out with my chin.

12. Hot Hairy Guys

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m down with body hair.

But then again, I don’t want to see your back fro glistening in the sunlight…

13. Hot Guys Who Will Get You in Trouble

If you see these bros coming, PUT THE DRUGS AWAY.

14. Classy Hot Guys

Spot a guy drinking white zin out of a fine crystal goblet on the beach? Marry him immediately.

15. Hot Guys in Long-Sleeved Shirts on the Beach

Suns out doesn’t always mean guns out. This guy is conservative, but judging by the open buttons, also knows how to let loose. Or he’s just really sunburned.

16. Hot As F*ck Guys

I mean…damn.

17. Hot Guys Who Know Chick Lingo

I can’t.

18. Hot Guys From Your Hometown

Peace up, A-town down, shawty. Still haven’t seen this local guy on Tinder, but I’ll keep swiping.

19. Hot Guys in Banana Hammocks

Everyone, meet my soulmate. Put your lady boners away.

And how about that……nip slip.

20. Hot Guys Who Don’t Want Their Picture Taken

They also may have resting-bitch-face girlfriends. My bad, girl.

21. Hot Guys With Hot Mouths

Nothing I love more than a great mouth on a guy. I spotted this guy’s kisser from a stage away. Sadly, we did not kiss (that I know of).

22. Hot Guys Who Love Selfies

But first….let me take a selfie with this smokin’ dude on a Motorola flip phone (my favorite prop of the weekend). This guy and I fell in love like for a few songs during Trombone Shorty, but we ended things when I got bored talking to him and my beer was empty.

Maybe I’ll send him a “miss you” text (with T9Word, of course).

So there you have it.

And there were even more who didn’t make the cut, but maybe I’ll release them on Instagram from time to time. After the fest, I definitely had #HotGuysOfHangout withdrawal and almost snapped a photo of a good-looking dude in the Cracker Barrel Country Store on the way home. I think I may have a new hobby/addiction…

‘Til next time!

LYLAS,
Ashley

Who do you think is the hottest guy of Hangout? Share in the comments!

The post The 22 Hottest Guys at a Music Festival appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

In this gluttony of piss-warm info, I will be perplexing you with some advice about online dating.

OH NO, HE SAID ONLINE DATING!!!

Listen, you know you do it and if not, you want to do it, so I am here to help. I have never done it (ish) but I did try to get married on the radio a few years back. That went fairly awful, though I did meet some nice women who played football (and not the lingerie kind). GOOGLE IT. Now, before we get to the best online dating site (Pinterest, OBVI), let’s explore the worst ones out there:

15. Ashleymadison.com

This site is only for married people and there are around 3 billion members. Once you find someone to marry on the next few sites, then want to slit your wrists because you married a douche you met online, AshleyMadison gives you options. They named the site after the two sluttiest most common female names in the U.S.

14.  Beautifulpeople.com

No surprise what’s on this disaster of a site. People who think they are good looking. OH JOY. I would love to hear the conversations on these dates. I am sure the combined average IQ of everyone on the site is kale salad plus Velcro.

13.  Furrymate.com

Does the thought of dating Winnie the Pooh turn you on? Do you want to wear 60 pounds of faux fur and a helmet with a donkey face during missionary intercourse? Of course you do. Added benefits include losing 30 pounds nightly and a lifetime supply of Febreze.

12.  Facebook.com

No idea. Someone recommended it.

11. Veggiedate.org

Probably no fatties here. Or cool people. Is there anything sexier than a hippie eating tofu and yard grass? I think not. Take dental floss.

10.  Whatsyourprice.com

A neat little site where men can offer cash for gals to date them. I am thinking fat dudes with family money plus money-sucking whores, but I could be wrong. I think there is a similar business out near Las Vegas, Nevada called prostitution.

9.  Clowndating.com

Ever been to an Applebee’s on a blind date dressed as a full-on clown? I have. It doesn’t work.  However, if you have severe acne and huge feet, this might be your ticket. I suggest taking balloons. All clowns should have balloons at all times. I have no idea why.

8.  Diapermates.com

For those of you who think it’s NOT normal for 200-pound infants to have sex whilst wearing diapers, get real. Just think how much time you can dedicate getting to know each other by never having to go to a physical bathroom. I guarantee Ashley makes me join this site for research and development. I just blogged in my pants.

7.  Womenbehindbars.com

Fellas and lesbians, dig in. Don’t let a little criminal history and few misspelled face tattoos stop you from finding love and then being murdered nine days later. It is like having a ferret. You can love them but they stay in a cage. Perfect relationship. (NEWSFLASH: None of these ladies look like the hot chick from Orange is the New Black.)

6.  Purrsonals.com

Is your favorite perfume ammonia? Do you have absolutely zero social skills? Dig into this litter box of love for a true treat. I once dated a girl who had a cat. She dumped me.

5.  Singleswithfoodallergies.com

I literally have no comments for this site. Except maybe a sneeze.

4. Seacaptaindate.com

Oh hell yes! I have no idea if dating a sea captain is cool, but I DO know that dressing like a sea captain is fun as balls. Time to buy a dingy and find my perfect mate. See what I did there? Mate? Like, on a ship or relationship partner? Oh.

And you can find dudes like our friend below who is also a Mayor. Find him on Twitter if you want to bone go on a cruise.

3. STDmatch.net

After visiting this site I am feeling a little itchy. Think my computer got a virus herpes as well.

2.  Mulletpassions.com

I didn’t know there were so many people passionate about small fish with two separate dorsal fins. Kinky freaks.

1. Farmersonly.com

f you do anything in life, please watch the commercial for this site. I had no idea farmers had computers. I am sure dirty fingernails don’t spread infections at all. See what I did there? Never mind.

Well, if those humdingers don’t land you a soulmate then I guess you are just screwed. Well, not literally.

Your best bet is the Tinder app or roofies. I once asked my friend Pat what is the deal with relationships, and she told me something I will never forget. She said “Love is a battlefield”. God bless you, Pat.

Good luck, sweet lovers.

www.SingleForeverBecauseImALoser.com,
Tom

The post A Breakdown of the 15 Worst Dating Sites on the Internet appeared first on Witty + Pretty.