I don’t follow many celebs on Twitter because WILDLY enough, many of them (with the exclusion of comedians) don’t have anything interesting and/or intelligent to say (I know…crazy, right?). Plus, bad grammar and cheesy inspirational quotes and musings burn my eyes. But I decided to get in there and see what’s going down in the celeb Twitterverse so I could compile this list of gems. #Enjoy.

1. Kim K. apparently got a cat. One of her followers is first to break the news.

2. I get that old people don’t understand technology, but like, Cher actually might be on bath salts.

3. And speaking of…

4. Snoop Dogg, er excuse me, Snoop Lion (when is he going to change his Twitter handle, btw?) has a breakfast of champions.
 And you thought it was only white girls who shared details about their meals via social media.

5. Miley invites her 9 million followers to a pity party.
 This is awkward.

6. Snooki reminds us that she procreated (God bless America) then gives us a mental image of her breastfeeding (which we didn’t ask for). Then she also reminds us that she uses a weight loss drug which will most likely be taken off the market for causing loss of brain cells. ZING!

7. Ochocino LITERALLY asks his Twitter followers for a ride to breakfast because he doesn’t want to pay for a car. Let’s just digest that for a second.

Then, in the midst of his “Help me, I’m poor” plea, he reminds us that even though he’s unemployed, he still has a shit ton of money in the bank. Ocho, you can starve.

8. When Rihanna doesn’t have any recent pictures of herself looking like a hooker/junkie, she just tweets song lyrics….to her own songs.

…or she retweets the most offensive statements she can find.

9. Spencer Pratt reminds you that everyone hates him and he hates everyone, while at the same time, coming up with a revolutionary social media idea. Someone alert Jack Dorsey immediately!

10. Kimmel says what we’ve all been thinking.
11. Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she doesn’t regret the DUIs…or the cocaine carjacking…or stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of shit…or violating her parole…or writing “F*ck U” on her nails in court…or her weird plastic surgery…or the hit-and-run. In fact, she has really enjoyed all of it.

12. Chelsea Handler reminds us that she boned @50Cent.
I still wish that would have worked out….

13. A) Slutty trainwreck Courtney Stodden has a dog named Dourtney. Which means she couldn’t come up with a name, so she took her name and put a different letter in front of it. B) Dourtney is sick and her fans are literally having prayer vigils. C) #PrayForDourtney is the hashtag her followers chose to rally around on September 11.

14. Dwight from The Office comes up with the best idea for a reality show…ever.
15. Ryan Lochte wants a follower to tweet him a naked pic so he can call her and have phone sex and he’s not afraid to admit it.

I may or may not have considered sending him one. #JEAH

Well that’s a wrap. #TGIF and happy tweeting, everyone! And if you want to follow me, I’m @AshHess. Although I can’t guarantee I have anything half as awesome to say as Miley or Kim K….

#LYLAS,
@AshHess

The post The Friday 15: Best & Worst Celebrities on Twitter appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

Remember a few weeks ago when we were on Q100’s The Bert Show women’s panel answering all the burning questions guys wanted to know about sex, self-sex, and more sex? Well (shockingly) they asked us back. The same crew—me, Cara (W+P health/fitness expert), reality show star Nikky, and that wild card Toni. This week, we delved into some more hot topics like dick pics, fantasies, why women go to bathroom in groups, and how shit hits the fan when dudes aren’t in the mood.

We chat about some other (more tame) topics, but the juicy stuff is broken up in the last two clips HERE and it’s worth the listen for the laughs (make sure you have headphones if you’re listening at work, friends). But I decided to discuss these issues in a little more depth…

1. What happens when a dude isn’t in the mood?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve been working all day, you’re stressed, you just got fired, you’re wasted, your fantasy team shit the bed, your cat died, you have a broken leg…WHATEVER. If the lady in your life wants to bone down and you even SLIGHTLY turn her away, it will hurt her feelings and her mind will start wandering to deep, dark places like, “What if he’s not attracted to me anymore?” or “Is he getting it from somewhere else?” That’s not to say there aren’t rational females out there who understand all men aren’t trying to tap it 24/7, but the initial rejection always stings.

But like anything else, communication is key, as is a healthy sex life. If you’re getting busy on the reg, but she gets offended on that rare occasion when you’re not feeling it, you have two options: 1) Go Nike and Just Do It anyway, or 2) Pick a time when “the deed” isn’t lurking in the air (like during breakfast or when you’re hanging out watching Duck Dynasty) to say, “Listen babe, you know I think you’re the hottest thing ever and I fantasize about putting my P in your V, like 90% of the time, so if there’s that one time when I’m just SO exhausted or stressed and I don’t know if I’ll be able to perform, please don’t hold it against me.” Then give her a present like shoes or oral sex.

Also, here’s my GOLDEN RULE, boys: For every time you deny your gal, make up for it by jumping her bones when she’s least expecting it. Problem: SOLVED. Wham, bam, you can thank this ma’am.

2. Have most girls hooked up with girls and do they fantasize about hooking up with girls?
Most all-American, alcohol-loving females have kissed another girl at some point; in most cases, in college, and/or drunkenly, and/or for attention. For example, on Spring Break ’04, one of my college girlfriends and I became big fans of the triple kiss, and the hotties staying in our resort reaped the benefits. (Jon, if you’re reading this, call me!). Some girls go farther, of course, but anything more than a heavy makeout that’s not for show might mean she swings both ways, so just keep that in mind. As for fantasizing about other girls, we do that, too.

Oh you want to know more? To hear how my (and others’) fantasy threesomes plays out, listen to the fourth clip.

3. Why do girls go to the bathroom in groups?I’ll be honest; I don’t always do this. If it’s a crowded bar and we’re all standing around, maybe I’ll grab a friend to come with, especially if there’s a line I’d get bored standing in, but if we’re at a group dinner, I’m sure as hell not going to tear a pal away from her Pinot to escort me to the restroom. But when we ARE peeing in packs, yes, we’re probably gossiping chatting about boys and/or the “date” our guy friend brought to dinner in the skanky Herve Leger knockoff with the tanning bed glow and acrylic nails. (Seriously, where the F*CK did he find her?)

Oh, and I’m always trying to use someone else’s lipstick. Which Nikky says makes me sound like a kinky lesbian. (But a lipstick lesbian at least.)

4. What body part turns women on/What should men work out at the gym?There were mixed answers to this one, but let’s be honest: What girl has ever said, “I love it when he wraps his skinny arms around me.” BARF. I almost couldn’t type that. Guys, we want to feel protected because you’re bigger and stronger than us, and (almost) all ladies love muscle definition in the arms, shoulders, chest, and back region. You will notice that we touch/grab those areas during sex. We’re not grabbing your calves (unless we’re trying out the advanced Kama Sutra). So hit the weights.

5. Do girls want dick pics (AKA #dictures)?
BOYS. Listen to me. For the love of God, do not send a girl a dick pic she didn’t request, especially if you aren’t in a serious relationship with her. She will show all her friends over brunch, and they will then refer to you with a nickname like Rapture Claw, which is what we call the dude who sent my friend Lauren an unsolicited #dicture with his crooked toe (and dingy bathmat) in the background. If she actually asks for one, then by all means. If you’re sexting with a chick and she’s sending pics and eluding that she wants to see what you’re working with, I guess it’s ok, but at least make it somewhat humorous (you’ll have to listen to the clip for more hilarious explanation on that), and use a filter for God’s sake (click HERE for more X-rated textiquette).

And know this: Words turn a girl on more than anything, so if you really want to get her thinking about your rock hard you-know-what, step up your sexting game. NEWSFLASH: Girls don’t browse the Internet looking at dudes’ junk all day; they read Fifty Shades of Grey. Learn it, live it.

And thank me later.

LYLAB,
Ashley

The post The Friday 5: Things Men Need to Know About Women appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

(Although I did lose a few shreds of it when I dressed up as Honey Boo Boo for my CBS Better Mornings segment this week. Click HERE to watch that disaster.)

ANYway, without further adieu, here are some ‘stume inspirations that are SEXY, too:

1. Taco Bell sauce packets. Find a hottie and ask him if he’s craving fifth meal.

2. Sexy ghosts. Hilarious and so easy to do. Plus, it’s perfect if you have a giant zit on your face/bad haircut/adult braces or are feeling fat.

3.  Beastie Boys Sabotage. I am REALLY upset I didn’t think of this earlier and recruit two of my friends to go in on it. You can totally sexify these ‘stumes with short shorts, plus you get to carry guns and wear old-school aviators and badass ‘staches and wigs. RIP Adam Yauch.

4. Sexy Big Bird. Thanks to ol’ Mitt, the Sesame Street celeb is quite a hot costume this year. And because there is nothing erotic about a giant, pear-shaped canary, a sexy Big Bird is pretty amazing. I’ve seen some online, but I also think you could easily whip this up with a yellow dress, yellow feathers (or feather boas), a Big Bird mask (that will be most difficult to find, but they are out there online and in costume stores), and orange and/or pink tights (if you’re crafty, you can attempt the stripes). But can we all agree that a sexy Snuffleupagus would be even better?

5. High school wrestlers. My friend Andrea and I had this idea a few years back and never went with it, but I still love it because of its total randomness. You get to rock a skintight singlet (wear a bandeau to avoid nip slips) and then you just have to pick up wrestling shoes and headgear, all of which can be found at your local sporting goods store. Get some friends to go in on it and you have a whole team! Add medals and/or trophies for extra flair! The best part: You get to ask hot dudes if they want to wrestle. DONE and DONE.

You could be doing that exact Kama Sutra position if you play your cards costume right.

*Atlantans, I hope to see you at the wildest, most fun Halloween party of all time tomorrow night at The Buckhead Theatre: BOOnanza 3. Click HERE for more info and promo code HESS gets you $3 off tickets when you buy them in advance online.*

Happy Haunting, tricks (and treats)!

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post The Friday 5: Fun (AND Sexy!) Costume Ideas appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

And now, it’s totally acceptable if…

1. You see a girl at the gym with her hair down, full makeup, and a teeny tiny outfit and think she should be asked to leave.

2. You wonder why after one really sweaty, kickass workout, you’re not slipping right into your skinny jeans. And get pissed.

3. You literally want to punch girls in the face who have perfect bodies and say they “don’t really work out.” Then ask God why?

4. You don’t make it to a fitness class on time due to traffic/unforeseen circumstances, so you call your friend…and see if she wants to go eat.

5. You’re scared of hot yoga, because no matter what people say, you WILL be that person to pass out.

6. After you retrieve your car on a hungover Saturday or Sunday morning and all you can think about is getting home and back into bed, you see people running…and think about swerving to teach them a lesson.

7. You consider sex with a partner a workout. (It legitimately is, by the way.)

8. You consider sex with yourself a workout just because you get a little hot. (It’s not, by the way.)

9. You have never done a 6 a.m. workout in your entire life and probably never will.

10. There’s a puddle under your bike at Flywheel/spinning on Saturday or Sunday morning…and you know it’s all vodka.

11. You go straight from the gym to happy hour and start boozing. It cancels out, duh. And if someone dares to tell you otherwise, they’re getting a margarita on the crotch.

12. You think it’s a little ridiculous when people say they’re training for a walk. Like, you’re always training for a walk. It’s called life.

13. You put on workout clothes to wear for the day even if you know you’re not going to make it to the gym. It’s called wishful thinking. Plus…your workout clothes are cute.

14. You’re still not quite sure why people pay for Zumba. Like, can’t you just put on your booty shaking playlist and do that at home…for free?

15. If any guy you date ever references, points to, or grabs your problem area(s), he will get a totally justified knee in the balls.

Am I right or am I right just a bitch? And of course, no offense to Susan G. and all those serious walkers out there.

Happy weekend (and working out), everyone!

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post The Friday 5 (+10): Workout Edition appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

5. Long toenails: I don’t know if this is a fashion statement or survival adaptation, but it sucks. If a fella catches one of those bad boys on the shin during missionary intercourse, he will need a Tetanus shot. WTF is Tetanus by the way? Tip: Cut those death daggers. They are not “cute.”

4. Perfume: Ladies, you have a 50/50 chance of a dude liking your perfume. You have a 85/15 chance of the last chick he dated wearing the same scent because you both shop at Macy’s. Therefore, you have a 12.5% chance of said fella not suffering involuntary reflux when he is around you. Tip: If you must, go very light with the Vanilla Fields.

3. Spray tans: Easy now, I know you are chewing my ass through the interweb as we speak, but hang on a tic. Spray tans are nasty. None nastier than the first 48 hours you have to let it set by not showering. Furthermore, three days post-paint job, your hands and feet look like a muddy parking lot as it wears and tears. Not to mention your neck and underarms. Now don’t preach the cancer thing to me because I am not a biologist. Tip: Don’t freak on any dudes during the “let it set before I shower” phase, and wear gloves and socks at all times.

2. Heels in the wrong places: Strippers and Victoria’s Secret models wear high heels. At work. However, they don’t wear them at the pool, beach, or three-day music festival in the woods. Even if you’re hot, guys recognize you are a douchebag if you’re wearing heels around large bodies of water or fields.

1. Fart: Not the act of farting, but the use of fart jokes. Chicks that tell fart jokes are a turn-off and probably have yellow, 4-inch toenails. Don’t talk about feces either. Ever.

Lucky in love,
Tom

*
W+P rebuttal: He’s extreme, but some gals need tough love! As for perfume, yeah…don’t douse yourself with a hardcore scent on a first date (ease in slowly until he gives you the “You smell good” compliment) and if you’re wearing Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue, Theirry Mugler Angel, or Chanel Chance, it’s likely he dated a girl with the same signature fragrance, so be aware. As for tans, Trey has obviously been scarred by a 22-year-old (or five) he hooked up when she came straight from the Palm Beach Tan spray chamber or had a bad DIY job. Follow the rules of hooking up with a spray tan (and visit a professional so you never get those “muddy parking lot” limbs he so eloquently referenced), and you’ll be good to go. Other than that, solid advice from our first dude (ish). Except for the farting thing. So we CAN pass gas, but just not joke about it? Not that I was going to, but just to um, clear the air for future reference. I’ll find out and report back. And if any of you guys out there have an interest in contributing (and think you can do better than this guy), email me at ashley@witty.gilliansarah.com!

The post The Friday 5: Things Girls Do That Turn Guys Off (From a Real Dude) appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

We sent him a drink and he (amazingly) came over to our table. Here’s proof (and Provision):

And now for the five things.

1. We debated on what to send him. At first we thought Hennessey. Then I suggested a blunt (not that I would know where to get one of those). Finally, we told our server to bring him whatever he was already drinking. And ladies and gents, Mr. Cube was drinking…wait for it…mojitos. With ice. Duh.

2. He was incredibly nice and told us about the movie he’s filming in Atlanta with Kevin Hart called Ride Along. When we asked about the release date (and if we could attend the premiere with him, obvi), he basically told us that how soon it’s released depends on how good it is/how much the production company likes it. Turns out, it’s going to be January 2014. But as Ellen put it so eloquently, “True art takes years to cultivate.”

3. He was totally cool taking a photo with us and the girls swear he said, “Just don’t put it on Facebook.” But I didn’t hear that. So I put it on Facebook. (And hey, while you’re on Facebook…..)

4. Ellen told Mr. Cube that he was in the presence of two famous Atlanta bloggers (ha) – Lauren Kraselsky Cohen of The Quick + Dirty Dirty and myself. Not that it mattered.

5. He’s throwing up a W in the picture. Obviously that can only stand for one thing given the circumstances…

White girls.

But seriously, Today Last Night Was a Good Day Night. Cube was great and it was an awesome celeb experience. Enjoy your FRIDAY, everyone!

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post The Friday 5: An Encounter with Ice Cube appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

But it does mean that SPRING IS ALMOST HERE (thank the Lawd), which means there is so much to look forward to. Like so…

1. The Dresses! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am so ready to take my pants off and…

2. You get one more hour of daylight, which means you’re supposed to listen to Maroon 5’s “Daylight” and look at the picture below and pretend Adam Levine is singing to you.

No, seriously. Just do it.

3. When else is a full-on textual assault of all the moon cycles and weird clock Emojis semi-appropriate?

4. That spring/summer vacay is finally within reach! You can almost smell the suntan lotion, taste the cabana boys margaritas, and see the Instagram/Facebook pics now…

#LivingTheDream

#Reflection #SoBlessed

#GirlsLoveJumpingPics  #AwkwardWhenYouBarelyGetAnyAir
#FamilyFirst #KhakisOnTheBeach

5. You’re skinnier than you were over the holidays (unless you’re pregnant). And now you have an extra hour of safe, outdoor running/biking/brisk walking/rollerblading to get in even better bikini shape.

Bring it, Daylight Savings Time.

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post The Friday 5: Reasons to Get Super Excited to Spring Forward! appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

1. The fashion. I die. You die. We all die and want to time travel back to the Roaring Twenties and wear those amazing outfits, jewelry, and head pieces. The fashion in this movie just makes everything we wear look freaking stupid. I hate my clothes now.

Courtesy of WhoWhatWear:

2. Leo. Duh. I’m not a hardcore Leo obsessor, but I do think he’s hot and I ALSO think this is the hottest we will ever see him. The whole mysterious, intelligent, powerful, party-throwing guy is just beyond sexy. And from the previews, I think we’re going to get a soaking-wet-makeout-scene a la The Notebook…

3. The rap album. Er, I mean soundtrack. I kid; it does have some rap jams on it (hello, Jay Z), but it’s a killer mix of badass tunes. I especially love Lana Del Rey’s “Young and Beautiful” (listen on Spotify here), Emeli Sande covering “Crazy In Love,” and Jack White’s “Love is Blindness.” You can find it on iTunes; not on Spotify….yet.

4. The parties. I’ve never been to a bash like the ones in this movie and neither have you because like, they don’t exist (if they ever really did). But at the very least, seeing this movie will get you in the spirit to go out and enjoy a cocktail (or seven) and party like it’s 1922 (except boozing will be legal).

And the last but certainly not least reason to see The Great Gatsby movie is….

5. You actually read the book!

If you haven’t, that’s just embarrassing. I wouldn’t admit that to anyone. And you should also question your so-called “education.”

Now get ye to the theater and feel free to sneak in booze, Prohibition-style. It’s totally allowed for this flick…

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post The Friday 5: Why You Need to See The Great Gatsby appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

1. This breaking story from The Onion nails it: “Man Puts Glass Of Water On Bedside Table In Case He Needs To Make Huge Mess In Middle Of Night.”
This happened to me just last Saturday night; I didn’t clean it up in the middle of the night (duh), then woke up Sunday morning and stepped into a puddle of water when I got out of bed. Nothing starts your day on a better foot.

2. So there’s a tiger with Down’s Syndrome…and his name is Kenny Rogers (seriously). Apparently, lots of white tigers have issues because they’re inbred, but Kenny is the first one with such a multitude of conditions. Okay, breeders, that’s enough. If we only see orange tigers for the rest of our lives, I’m sure most of us will live. End the inbreeding.

3. Our male blogger Tough Love Tom comes up with a Syria solution.

Sounds like a plan to me.

4. The angriest customer service meltdown of all time. This tape leaked (unless it’s another Jimmy Kimmel prank), and it’s a doozy for sure. You may even start to feel a little uncomfortable (or scared) at how crazy angry this dude gets (NSFW).

Although my favorite customer service call is still (and always will be) this one:

5. Mumford & Sons got kicked out of a strip club.
That’s right. After their show on Tuesday night (which was amazing, btw), the folk-crooning, seemingly sweet band responsible for amazing videos like this got kicked out of Atlanta’s Clermont Lounge for knife fighting and trying to snort Molly off dancer Blondie’s famous, beer-crushing breasts.

Or something like that.

Cheers to the freakin’ weekend!

LYLAS,
Ashley

The post The Friday 5: Pop Culture Week in Review appeared first on Witty + Pretty.

But, NEWSFLASH: Most guys aren’t. The thing about Valentine’s Day is that it’s truly a girl’s holiday, designated and designed for guys to put forth some effort into being romantic, but most of them would rather skip from February 13 to the 15. I decided to conduct some serious research and find out what guys really want for Valentine’s Day, just in case any of you ladies want to please him for this Hallmark holiday…

The names have been changed, but these 10 fine fellas are attractive, successful, real dudes ranging from married to perpetual player, ages 27-40. (I promise.) Take a look at what they have to say:

Mark, single: 1. NOT to have to go to some prix fixe, multi-course, overpriced dinner with amateurs who seem surprised that something so exotic as ceviche could taste good. Losers. 2. Hilarious/sentimental trumps practical. Not the case for say, birthdays, but again, Valentine’s is a stupid, sentimental holiday and its gifts should reflect that. And handwritten cards mean more than a signature.

3. Dinner is great. Preferably one cooked at home with little cleanup so you have time to relax, drink wine, laugh/reminisce over said gift and perhaps have a first-word-rhymes-with-slow-second-word-rhymes-with-Bob. ALL guys want one. Always. Also, all guys love a well-groomed woman so clean it up so there can be some enjoyable reciprocation.

Ned, in a relationship:
I would love a sensual massage and a movie on the couch.

Travis, married: 1. Something sentimental that brings back the nostalgia. [My wife] bought me a bottle of wine from a vineyard we visited in Napa that we both loved. It brought back a lot of memories of the time we were there and was fun to talk about. Even the sommelier at Rathbun’s loved it.  Short Answer:  Alcohol. 2. Electronics! We love them! Beats by Dre headphones, iPad mini, Jambox, all are welcome.

3. Something sexy. Lotiony hand job while wearing a Mila Kunis mask and speaking broken Portuguese. Don’t judge.

Joel, in a relationship:
Sex. Guys want sex and beer. That is all.

Matt, in a relationship: 1. No preconceived notions of what I’m “supposed” to get her for V-Day. Screw roses, screw candy, screw expensive dinner. 2. Something she created.

3. Something to do with our history. A little slice of our story.

Trent, single:
I would want something out of the box. I feel like there are always those traditional gifts. “Dinner and a movie…roses…cologne…perfume…chocolates…blah.” I think it would be cool to see some creativity and plan a date like dinner on a blanket under where planes fly in at an airport or a hot air balloon. Something new and different because you can do dinner at the nicest restaurant in town, but it’s still just eating out.

Gene, in a relationship:
I’d like a basket filled with cheeseburgers and Wes Anderson movies. And for her to take out the trash for that entire week.

Toby, in a relationship:
Personally, the perfect gift would be my gf telling me she doesn’t want to celebrate Valentine’s.

Jay, in a relationship:
A really great massage. A couples massage would be cool.

TJ, in a relationship: Guys want to not have to do anything on Valentine’s Day. Guys hate Valentine’s Day.  I would say what guys want is: 1) To have a low key night–no fancy reservations, fancy candies, or stuffed animals. 2) A blow job.

3) A blow job.

Well damn, ladies. You can handle the massage and fellatio without spending a dime (SCORE!). But honestly, I hear time and time again that guys want to forego the fancy restaurant for dinner (and dessert, wink wink) at home. I say if you really want to make his night, cook a meal (whilst wearing something sexy – click HERE for inspiration), move into massage territory or present him with a sentimental and/or funny gift, then start stretching your jaw. (Did I really just say that?).

The post The Friday 5 (+5): What Guys REALLY Want for Valentine’s Day appeared first on Witty + Pretty.